Honey, I’m home…

It was a long wait til he got home, felt like forever in babygirl timeframe. I was trying my hardest to listen we spoke, which wasn’t as often as I needed, but we tried hard to make it work, stay connected. There were plenty of times I had to make decisions without him, this was always the hardest. I have loved Him since the first time we met, I have never wanted anyone like this so much in my life. But now I was angry, bitter and had no idea how to let those feelings go. I wondered if we’d be like strangers next time we were together.

When our moment finally happened, we would be together again, I was scared to death, but then nothing was gonna stop me from getting to him.

Once I saw Him, I threw the car in park and ran into His arms. It felt so good to have His arms around me again, smell him, taste His kiss. I was in heaven. We were finally home, about to walk thru the door i knew this would never be the same again for him. He is definitely the strong one. All that we have been through, him way more than me, and He is able to pull himself together, and the rest of our family as well.

I was keeping my anger for to long. It can and will destroy anything in it’s path, and I was set on being right that He abandoned me. He expected me to pull our lives together and carry on in His place. He wanted communication from me so He knew all going on at home, and Him help with everything. I felt He expected to much from me, more than I could do. I would break down, He would expect me to pull it together and break down at a better time. He would be there from a distance and finally let me break down. He’d put me back together in the only way He could, thru words, and listening. I felt like He let me get hurt, only He tried everything to not let that happen before our lives were turned upside down. I think I just wanted to be angry and bitter, so He let me. He refused to give me my way, which gave me more temper tantrums. He was as patient as a saint since He got home. It’s only been a month, my trust needed to build. I needed to get laid,plenty. I wanted food, His attention, Him to talk to me I just refused to budge on letting my anger go. He knew it, He’s smarter than me. He’s always one step ahead. I couldn’t handle the thought of being spanked by Him, not yet. I had so much pain in my heart, in my soul, He needed to help me before I needed the full lifestyle. He knew it. He let me have space to come to Him slowly. I did. He’s not happy that my communication is way off,but I’m working on it and fast! Why? Because Daddy is back home. He gave me time, but time is almost up.

I had a test recently, I passed with 95%, only 1 question wrong, best grade in my class! Was that good enough for Him? Probably, but I opened my big mouth. He used to tell me I better pass my tests at 100%, or I’m in trouble. He was being sweet on the phone, I thought ” He must have forgotten that I was always under rules about this”. I was wrong,He didn’t forget. In fact I have spankings coming, yeah me? Not. But in that moment He seemed more Daddy like. I couldn’t have my way. He had been letting me have my way, til things seemed normal again.

What does normal look like now? It’s definitely different. There is some of us from the past that was brought through to the present, and then the rest we figure out as we go. So, the lifestyle will be something we figure out too. He deserves my respect, and I need His too. We both need to trust again. We need to feel connected all the time like we used to. Sex, sex, and more sex! Cuz I’m the horniest babygirl, and months of Him long distance was more than I could do.

I did have to be honest with myself, I was fucking things up. Ok, so He let me hold on tight to being angry, but do I really want it to drive Him away? Fuck no. He’s all I want, ever wanted, In this big world He’s all I’ve got too. We have future plans! I want them all. I want to get back to 3somes, I have a few fears here but I’m sure He will help me find my way, He always did before.

See, I’m starting to feel normal again too. I knew I did when I felt so strongly about being in slave position for Him. I adore Him, He’s my one true love, My King, My Master, My Daddy, my best friend, my everything! For He and I there was only one way to convey that message with no words, let the slave in me show the way!

I can now see a great future ahead of us. I’m still afraid of will He have to leave again. We have lots to let heal, we will always miss “B”. She’s never off my mind. I want our future plans, now more than ever! I’m a strong believer that we have been through everything now, and still we are doing this together. That has always been a promise we made each other that we will get through everything and anything TOGETHER! Some things have been easier than others, But that’s life. The fact that we have been through so much and we’re still standing is a miracle in itself, one I’m thankful for and I won’t take my life for granted.

Life is getting back to normal. My anger has subsided. Daddy is back to himself! That’s a good and bad thing, He’s just itching to beat my ass. Now that we live together I’ve got no way to save it. He used to go home.lol. If I was a praying person I’d ask for some kind of miracle there too, like my ass fall off, his hand can’t hit my ass for a good reason, can’t think of one. How the fuck does He always know what I need. I think everything is gonna be good!

I love you Daddy❤️

Advertisements

Holidays are coming

This will be our first major holiday without our lil cookie. The house is looking festive, tree up, stockings hung with care, yummy goodness baking in the kitchen, but you get that something is missing. 

We have had (almost) six months to grieve the loss of our lil one. Some of us are doing better than others, but getting the kids through this became priority one. 

Visiting Santa recently, was supposed to be fun, but she was missing. So I quickly made an excuse to get away from happy people. 

We went through her room, packed most of her things. We kept certain things out so as we walk past her room we see the happy stuff we loved. We are smiling a little. We are releasing balloons on Christmas so we can give her something to. We found all these toys, outfits, just fun things she would have loved, but the only thing we bought was a bear in her memory. 

The pain hasn’t quite subsided, but you finally learn how to hide it, and get through the day. 

As far as our lifestyle, well it’s been on hold. He’s still the head of our home, and due that respect, but we are just like everyone else right now. Don’t get me wrong, somedays the slave in me wants to kneel. I cannot ask for pain anymore as I think it would kill me, as pain used to get my head clear and help me not struggle. But the pain that’s in me now is awful, it’s like I’m bleeding inside and no one can see it or feel it. Months later I’m still asking myself, ” how did this happen, how did we get here?” 

In a few words, I guess I’m lost. I’m trying to be a good mom to our other children, a good woman to my man, and good slave to my Master. As we are going through such a tough time I find myself angry, most with my Master. Everything feels like it’s in my lap , at the moment. He wants to know how I’m doing (same as every other day, next question), I used to trust blindy, as we slaves are supposed to do. But in the face of tragedy I am filled with questions. I serve, but not with my whole heart at this moment. I have even yelled at him, much to his chagrin, but it just came out. It was more about Him causing me more pain, He didn’t know.

I needed Him to stop pushing me so hard, that wasn’t helping. Stop asking me to do more than I can. I even lost a really good job since I wasn’t holding it together as well as I hoped. Now I’ve tried a few jobs only to quit after a few weeks. What is my direction, what am I supposed to be doing… Yet, I don’t want Him to answer these questions, apparently I want to struggle. I absolutely have no idea what I want right now. I just know I don’t want to be pushed to hard, I feel as I could break, or leave. 

I’m working on as many things as I can in my head, but pain from Him would kill me, plus my trust has been shaken. He needs to do much work before I can be where I was before, and if He cannot understand this then I may have lost Him. 

Reality has been a butter sweet pill that I don’t enjoy. I ask myself that after all that has happened, is this truly where I belong. Only one person can answer that question, me. I am searching for the answer, more than anyone knows. It used to be so clear, now it’s not. Can it all be fixed? Hope is all I have. Will He feel my heart and show me that I still belong here. Will He make a life for us that is even more wonderful than we can both imagine.

Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. Thank you for being so kind. My Master, and I and our children hope you have the happiest holidays this season. 

Happy 4th of July

Our family hopes you have a wonderful day to today celebrating Americas freedom.

Our family is having a rough time. Once she was gone, we were broken. Coming to terms with she won’t be back, has been a thought that doesn’t want to process.

We are trying to get back to normal, only for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was. What was I doing before all of this? Was I thankful everyday that I had such a great life? I find myself waking each morning I’m already in tears. If I close my eyes I see her, so why close my eyes…

I’m having a hard time eating. I go to the fridge and look around, my thoughts are “what do I want?” I know what I want, to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. She’s not in the fridge, so I close the door. I realize I’m not eating much. Food lost it’s flavor. Except BBQ.

My house is staying clean. I actually hate it now. I used to gripe each day. Toys everywhere, piles of stuff, looked like the Tasmanian devil went thru our home. If I could just have that one more day, I promise I won’t be irritated by it anymore, ever again. 

All the challenges of toddlerhood, learning to potty, the accidents, baths cuz that baby is a mess, will you please just eat, no you’re not getting candy, taking my iced tea, bedtime! You’re exhausted at the end of the day, but you smile cuz Mini me is so much fun. Damn that energy is definitely wasted on the youth!

No more seeing her dad be the human jungle gym. No more her sit by dad, put her legs up for him, say”get’em”wanting him to grab her legs, and pick her up and toss her around. When she’s sick or can’t sleep wants to snuggle up to her dad, cause she’s a total Daddy’s girl!

No more build a bear, celebrating holidays, birthdays with her. How do we get thru them? 

What’s the timeframe for moving on…I don’t want her forget her, but I’d the pain in my heart to calm down. 

I went to the store the other day, Everytime I heard a little girl laugh or cry, I had to look. What if it was her? What if this never really happened, we wake up it just felt real. 

What happens when this happens and you don’t get to say goodbye? Does she know how much we love and miss her? Does she feel gone, wonder where we are? It feels so final, it’s just over. Why couldn’t I be warned that it was coming and I needed to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her one more time. Do I have enough pictures in my phone of her.

I feel now all things we will miss. First day of school. Missing teeth. Babydolls and Barbie’s. Learning to ride a bike. Makeup. Girls night with both my daughters. Sleepovers with friends. Driving. College. Day she gets married. It’s just all gone. What would she look like? Would she still be a Daddy’s girl? 

I know I’m rambling here, but I don’t know how to say these things. We have other kids to get thru this time. Wow is this tough. People keep asking me how I’m doing, I’m numb. I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I just want to stay in bed. I have to work, the bills didn’t stop. 

I miss her ❤️

A moment of silence

I needed a moment of silence, to clear my thoughts, concentrate on whats important here.

What’s important? Well, I am first and foremost His slave. I will find a way to be of use at this time. I will grieve but not let it stop me. That’s not what He would want. He would want us to not stuff our feelings, but also not let it stop our life. Balance.

Emotions are a tricky thing. We tend to not let go of them, let them control us.

How will I do my day in His absence… Like I always do. Kids will have their list of chores to get done. I will be at work. I will find out what my Master needs from me, and get it done quickly as I can. Be His strength right now. He will need me in this very rough time. I know my place. By His side.

I will fight my inner urge to stay in bed and be depressed, as it will not help anyone right now. And at some point He will bring it up and I would have to pay for that. This is not the time to push my own agenda.

Doesn’t all of this affect me to? Of course it does, I’m only human. But perspective is key. As I needed to talk to a friend of mine, she’s a wonderful slave, she gave me that moment, and then put things in perspective for me. She walked me thru some things, showed me the slave that I am. What really matters here. I love her dearly, as most don’t know the life of a slave.

There are no books written,’how a slaves to behave in the face of tragedy’. If you’re a slave have some slave friends, so when you go thru the hardest time of your life,you can draw on their strength to renew your own. I have needed her so much. In the one small moment she helped me! I’m so grateful.

I have some great friends, but they are not slaves, that was obvious. I have been confused with Him not right here to guide me, comfort me, give me strength. Yet, I know deep down He will need me to be fine right now, His plate is so full. We will get thru this to, together. Be stronger than ever.

It will take lots of time to move on from this. It has been horrific. One thing will always remain our love for each other, and our children.
My Master has my heart, He knows that. I’m His forever 💓
I love you Daddy. Now, more than ever!

As I take this moment of silence, I realize it’s really happening, it wasn’t a bad dream, it’s completely real. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. She was just gone. Now to get Him back on track to.
Life finds a way..

RIP our little cookie

She was only 3, cutest lil thing you’ve ever seen. I adored her the moment I saw her. How could I not, she’s just like him.

I’ll always remember her making goofy faces with her dad, and her sister. Just being her very busy self. Putting on tons of lip gloss or chapstick,she looked beautiful! No matter what she was doing she involved you. Whether coloring, trying to read, loved stuffed animals.

My heart aches, I seek for an answer I’ll never find. Why did she have to go so soon. We will all miss you 🍪 cookie. We love you so much! We know you are in heaven playing up there. Eating all the food, playing with balls and swim noodles,and babies.

We have all cried and cried tonight, it just doesn’t feel real yet. We love you cookie, and no matter how much we miss you, your daddy misses you like a bajillion times over. We will never forget you. We will never be the same without you babygirl.

He’s a worthy King indeed

How in the world,in our lifestyle can you tell when one has earned the title, ‘King’?

First of all, I’m not new. Any man in the lifestyle, that refers to himself as royalty, is usually one I don’t give the time of day to, never have. A dominant should exude confidence, not arrogance. There’s a huge difference. 

The dominant who can juggle all aspects of His life (work,family,play) has my respect. Pay attention to the wording, I said juggle , not has all the answers. He’s still human. 

If He is kind to children, and animals, except snakes hates those. Can He be gallant? We all know that men want a lady on their arm in public, and a freak in the sheets. No problem there. But I want the same from my dominant. Will He be the gentleman who opens the car door, and grabs my ass too?! He does!

I want a man who worries about me, will be funny and silly with me. Who can make it a night of bdsm, or just something sexy and hot, Both make me cum, it’s about effort. Can He cook? Cuz I will clean. When I’m sick, am I a priority.

I see Him, as He is. He’s strong, but He needs a woman by His side with strength too, a partner in His life. Someone He can talk to, share His secrets with and knows that no one will ever hear it. 

He needs to know that she has His back. That she’s close to Him, clings to Him but that they can go there own ways and still be 100% committed. She His ‘ ride or die’, cuz He would be hers if He has to. Care for Him when He’s sick. His goals are her goals, and vice versa. He can make someone else a priority at times, she doesn’t blink, she knows it’s for the moment. 

She can tell when He just needs some time to Himself, she doesn’t take it personal, but pushes Him to rest and put Himself first every now and then. They make their relationship a priority, but know it takes both to work at it. Any holidays and she will go pick a gift, she knows He has more important things to do. 

If He’s off with friends, family, or His club she knows she is still on His mind. And He’s on hers!

He makes her talk so He knows what’s on her mind, what she’s stressing about. He wants to guide her, encourage her, help her. They are always there for each other.

They know the goals they have set for themselves,kids, etc… And they both work together as a team. When one succeeds, they both do! 

This is how I know He’s my king. He never insisted I call Him that, He’s to humble. But He deserves the title, it’s been earned a million times over. 

When I look at Him, really look. I see a man with lots of friends, family, and His club but still really lonely. My job is to fill that void, to become everything He needs. Be His partner, His lover, His babygirl, His slave. Cuz I’m just like Him! We have all the stuff ( job, family, friends, kids) but to grow old with someone, cherish the love they give you, take care of their heart. Then you have found someone worthy , someone who should be treated like a king, called ‘ My King’. For He is everything to me! 

In need of my Master

Yesterday He had enough of my attitude, I heard every word He said. I was listening. I had been preoccupied with my life, and I had not been putting Him first. I was guilty. We both knew it. As He beat my ass, with every hit, the pain felt cleansing. He knows how to put me back to square one,peg one. It’s very humbling. I hadn’t realized how far I’d fallen. After He was done, it was very clear.

The tears that flowed were all about how I must have hurt Him, by not trusting Him. I do trust Him, but actions speak louder than words. Where did I lose my way?

I realized all the time we have together, things were starting to change, we have plans, we talk about the future. So, I decided, on my own, to just come up with a backup plan , but I felt I had good reason. Ill be sharing it. I didn’t say anything to my Master. I was wrong. On the other hand I felt like I needed to stop bothering Him, He’s been so busy. I can deal with my life and get my direction, on my own.

Where did this come from? For me, I  go back a few weeks. First part of the  month. Granted some things had been going on for months. Recently I asked Him, ” what do you want me to write in the card?”  He let me know, so I asked Him if He was really ready for this. He replied with, ” No, but I guess I will have to be”. This crushed me, and all my confidence in the future plans we had. In my mind I felt like I needed a plan B.  So, without asking Him any questions, I came up with plan B. It was not meant to hurt Him. But I’d been afraid of what His words meant. I wanted to believe everything He’s planned for our future, but now I was scared. What if His words meant He didn’t want anything between us to change. Did He change His mind? Did He want anything in the future? 

I’m guilty, I never asked for clarification. My reason was because if He really changed His mind about me, us, I would be devastated. I wasn’t ready to hear it. 

This only happened a few weeks ago. I started feeling like,’ get a plan together for your life, kids lives’. 

I felt very lost, not like a slave at all. I felt lonely in my thoughts, I wanted to talk to Him. I kept up making sure I was serving Him His breakfast, it makes me happy. 

Then some health problems rose up, I didn’t tell Him again, how scared I was. How much I didn’t want to feel lonely. I kept it all to myself.

I met with a lawyer so I could look into a bankruptcy. I need a break from the mounting debt. All this I shared with Him. I am more scared than ever.

I have an ex I need to ask for some help with our son. I’m to afraid to ask. I’m already stuck in my head that my ex will say ‘no’. Master did discuss this issue with me. I feel less alone, I felt better. I need direction, I need Him. 

I’ve had plenty on my plate, as per usual. He hasn’t made me feel alone, He’s just had plenty on His own plate. But as He was beating my ass, telling me what He expects from me. I felt love in that moment. His words a few weeks ago made me feel a million miles away from Him. It wasn’t until that moment that I realize I only want what He wants. I do want a life with Him. I can and will discuss everything with Him.

I love being His slave, I need Him, His guidance. I need to talk with Him, make sure I understand. We are both only human. No one is perfect. In our lifestyle communication is key. I will need Him to show me the way. 

I love you my sweet Master. I hope we can talk about all this stuff. I cherish my Masters time. I needed what He gave me. I lost my way, and lost my place. I’ve been scared.  Plus my list seems to be growing. I need direction, and care from only one person, Him.