Seems like old times

Today was great. It reminded me of the old us! It was fantastic! I enjoyed every minute with Him. Time with no kids- miracle!

When i had to get to work I hated leaving. I missed Him the moment i left. The sex was hot, conversation was great, just us together. Time together that reminded me of the old us, priceless.


Still get butterflies

We are getting closer to our anniversary. Things are going great! I’m so excited to look at the man in my life and say, ” We made it!” I can say we have been through things that could tear weaker couples apart. But we are right here, hand in hand, getting through shit TOGETHER. It will take time to get through it all, but one thing for sure is that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt i belong by His side. Its my safe place, it’s just where I belong.

Granted I’ve been working on me before He got home. Trying to process shit i had no idea what the hell to do. He wasn’t able to help me, He did as much as He could though. The rest would be up to me.

I was standing there by the street, His breakfast in my hands. I’m just watching Him do His thing, fix big trucks. He gives 100% of himself to His job. He gives even more to us, to me! He works hard, He plays hard. I am just smiling because for the first time i realize i have everything i have ever wanted in my life. The love of a great man, great kids, a home. What more could anyone ask for? Lottery! Yeah hitting the lotto would be nice. This man is standing nearby and says, ” So, you must be his other half?” I say with a big grin on my face, “Yes I am!”

I love my life. In that moment of watching Him it hits me,I loved our life before all of this but, i used to feel like something was missing, that feeling is gone now. On my drive home i went over the past, what used to go on in my head… Oh yeah, i hated that we slept in the same bed only 1-2 nights a week. I hated other nights when it was such a great night, but here it comes… ” i have to go home babygirl”. I would get teary or sometimes they would fall. I just always wanted more with Him. It didn’t seem like it would ever work out, He would ask me to be patient a while longer. I felt if He said ‘soon’ one more time i might strangle Him. I didn’t. But i thought about it.

But now, everything is different. We finally live together! I wake up every morning to my Daddy beside me. If we are horny, usually we both are, we are right there and can fuck or play! Omg! It’s hot! I was so scared about living together at first, but now i can tell i had nothing to fear.

Yesterday He cooked! Do you have any idea how much i love that? Oh yeah , you don’t. Lol. Well i fucking love it! He helped clean before guests arrived. I have never had help before, but god damn it was sexy! A man put me first. Wow. Hold on, I’ve got to repeat that! MY man , my Daddy put me first! Now all i can think of is Daddy in very sexy scenarios with me, and other women! My mind is dirty AF! And sex in a truck!

Life is good. Sex is great! Daddy and i recently had clothes flying everywhere, pillows being tossed, we were all over that bed, mmmmmm. It got so physical and so hot thst we actually accidentally hit a glass cup and as it hit the ground it shattered, we looked at each other , giggled, went right back to fucking! It was so hot! Sex was always great between us, but before it always felt like something was off for me. But now, nope, not getting those old geelings anymore. I thought about this to on the way home. What changed? We live together, under one roof, i dont have to wait for Him. Ok, well i still wait, but now He will text and say, “coming home”. I love that!

So, as I’m watching Him work I’m feeling some of the same things i used to. I still get butterflies. I still get turned on. I still get images going through my mind of SEX! Things He and I could do, hope we get to do! We’re busy… I get it… But i feel closer to Him now than i ever have before. Maybe because we had to be more determined to get through much hsrder shit, together? I really don’t know, all i can say is I’m the luckiest babygirl in the world.

Even when He works into the night, i get a text saying He will be home when He can. I feel so important to Him. But we know life kicked us in the balls , we are trying to get back to where we were, or some version of that. We have a ways to go, but I’m sure we will get there TOGETHER!!

One day we will get to say it was worth every struggle, every tear, every worry, every fear. Why? Because I’m in love and live with my best friend. He just happens to also be: my Master, my Daddy, my rock, my King, my everything!

The forest through the trees

Hes been home fulltime, 24/7 for alittle over a month. Life is settling down, we are figuring out our routine in daily life. This was more difficult than expected. We moved right in together in the middle of a storm, emotional storm. I was worried if this was gonna work. I wanted it to, i know He did to.

Life together was way different than sweet songs on the radio, or some cute lil couple meme. It was so much more. Reality slapped you right across the face. There was so much new stuff at one time. I had slept in a bed with Him a million times, but once we were officially moved in together it was somehow different. He has always been my Master, my Daddy, but something was deeper now. Its forever… Its hard work…

He hasn’t put a lot of rules on me. He knew i was in pain so hitting my ass was going to have to wait. He did take charge from the first day. It was quite an adjustment for me. I was the head of my home, my kids, Daddy was over my life but i was in charge of everything else. I hadn’t had to share that position in a long time. There were times i could tell He wanted me to just give Him the lead. It was so hard. I would have to trust that He could lead this family.

I got frustrated a few times, so i would need some time to think. I would leave so i could figure out all that was in my head, how do i do this? How do we do this together?It was tough. For the first time ever we felt rocky. That was not a great feeling, especially since all time we spent together, before all that has happened, was fantastic. I wondered if we would get back to the way we were, or was this it?

I called my girlfriends. They told me they could tell that all was not perfect in relationshipland. I needed help. How did it go off track? Both of my girls told me it was all me. Thanks for the support girls. They reminded me how much He has on His plate. I know. So, lifestyle isn’t first right now, but He still needs reassurance from me. After listening to them, i had a new reality to process.

My friends said nothing was new except the situation we were currently in. Which was: that He is home, we are all under one roof, He is needing me to pull close to Him. As much as He is my safe place, I am His safe place,and i was defying authority. My friends were trying to be supportive, but it hit me hard. I didn’t know how to go to Him and ask what was going on. I probably should have in retrospect, but i was going through so much in a very short time frame, but so is He, He wanted me to yield to His authority. I wanted to know if He was staying, but i didn’t ask. I wanted to know if I could trust Him, but i didn’t ask. I did argue, a lot. I wanted Him to know that He hurt me, He left me, I had felt so alone. There was no bdsm class on ‘ what to do when your Master is gone, and you are lost’. Although in hindsight there should be contingency plans for real life when you are in the lifestyle.

The thoughts i clung to let me keep my anger and bitterness. He left a slave all alone, in charge, with no idea how He wanted it all taken care of. A 15 minute call each day wasn’t much to go on. Once He was home i think He could tell i was barely hanging on. I needed direction, but then i fought Him. He was gracious enough to realize i shouldn’t keep it all in. He wanted me to talk so I’d just yell at Him. It hurt me to yell at Him, but once i said what i needed to say i could let it go. Then i was worried I’d pay for it later. Only He seemed gracious enough to realize i was raw inside, i needed to heal. His way is to let’s get this out in the open and then it’s done. I could only do pieces at a time. I finally heard Him, i listen,but i actually needed to hear Him, i knew He was listening to me. He told me to get all the crap out and stop holding it in. But it wasn’t all about Him. I was mad at myself for plenty of things, like i felt like i failed because it was so hard on me during this time. Was i being a good slave, i had no idea. He never said, “good girl” anymore. Which was a way He let me know He was proud of me. I lost my job, i felt like i failed again. Then my mother somehow worked her way back into my life. I hadn’t seen or heard from her in over 10 years. That was a sore subject, i had no idea how to feel. He wanted me to figure it out, sooner rather than later.

He pushed me hard. I pushed right back. I had never done that before. It felt wrong, but i wasn’t ready to let go of my feelings and emotions yet. He had other ideas, like always. He wanted the balance back. I was scared, stressed and i felt very alone at the moment. Like we were strangers for the moment, only i know Him and everything about Him.

Talking to my girls helped. One of them reminded me that i wasn’t just His girlfriend, i was first and foremost His slave. Only we are adjusting to so much that the slave part of me wasn’t coming out. I knew what i had to do. Yield to Him. It had always been my safe place. It was ‘Ours’. The first thing He did when He saw me in slave position was make me feel safe again. I felt love pouring out of Him. I felt like His again. There was balance. I felt so much better. My anger melted away, i realized in that moment i could keep my anger and push Him away and lose everything I’ve wanted, or let Him show me the way, He has already said He will fix all of this between us. I’m giving Him that trust that He can process all He’s going through ,and pull He and i together, and make this into a family. Even though a part of all of us will always be missing.

I can finally see the forest through the trees. That doesn’t mean i haven’t lost my path, but He’s right there reminding me to trust Him, trust His way. He puts me back on the path. He still has just let us remain mostly vanilla for now, not much pressure. I think He sees the bigger picture. I don’t really ask. I’m trying to become more verbal, trust more, really listen.

Things are so much better without my anger! I love you Daddy

Honey, I’m home…

It was a long wait til he got home, felt like forever in babygirl timeframe. I was trying my hardest to listen we spoke, which wasn’t as often as I needed, but we tried hard to make it work, stay connected. There were plenty of times I had to make decisions without him, this was always the hardest. I have loved Him since the first time we met, I have never wanted anyone like this so much in my life. But now I was angry, bitter and had no idea how to let those feelings go. I wondered if we’d be like strangers next time we were together.

When our moment finally happened, we would be together again, I was scared to death, but then nothing was gonna stop me from getting to him.

Once I saw Him, I threw the car in park and ran into His arms. It felt so good to have His arms around me again, smell him, taste His kiss. I was in heaven. We were finally home, about to walk thru the door i knew this would never be the same again for him. He is definitely the strong one. All that we have been through, him way more than me, and He is able to pull himself together, and the rest of our family as well.

I was keeping my anger for to long. It can and will destroy anything in it’s path, and I was set on being right that He abandoned me. He expected me to pull our lives together and carry on in His place. He wanted communication from me so He knew all going on at home, and Him help with everything. I felt He expected to much from me, more than I could do. I would break down, He would expect me to pull it together and break down at a better time. He would be there from a distance and finally let me break down. He’d put me back together in the only way He could, thru words, and listening. I felt like He let me get hurt, only He tried everything to not let that happen before our lives were turned upside down. I think I just wanted to be angry and bitter, so He let me. He refused to give me my way, which gave me more temper tantrums. He was as patient as a saint since He got home. It’s only been a month, my trust needed to build. I needed to get laid,plenty. I wanted food, His attention, Him to talk to me I just refused to budge on letting my anger go. He knew it, He’s smarter than me. He’s always one step ahead. I couldn’t handle the thought of being spanked by Him, not yet. I had so much pain in my heart, in my soul, He needed to help me before I needed the full lifestyle. He knew it. He let me have space to come to Him slowly. I did. He’s not happy that my communication is way off,but I’m working on it and fast! Why? Because Daddy is back home. He gave me time, but time is almost up.

I had a test recently, I passed with 95%, only 1 question wrong, best grade in my class! Was that good enough for Him? Probably, but I opened my big mouth. He used to tell me I better pass my tests at 100%, or I’m in trouble. He was being sweet on the phone, I thought ” He must have forgotten that I was always under rules about this”. I was wrong,He didn’t forget. In fact I have spankings coming, yeah me? Not. But in that moment He seemed more Daddy like. I couldn’t have my way. He had been letting me have my way, til things seemed normal again.

What does normal look like now? It’s definitely different. There is some of us from the past that was brought through to the present, and then the rest we figure out as we go. So, the lifestyle will be something we figure out too. He deserves my respect, and I need His too. We both need to trust again. We need to feel connected all the time like we used to. Sex, sex, and more sex! Cuz I’m the horniest babygirl, and months of Him long distance was more than I could do.

I did have to be honest with myself, I was fucking things up. Ok, so He let me hold on tight to being angry, but do I really want it to drive Him away? Fuck no. He’s all I want, ever wanted, In this big world He’s all I’ve got too. We have future plans! I want them all. I want to get back to 3somes, I have a few fears here but I’m sure He will help me find my way, He always did before.

See, I’m starting to feel normal again too. I knew I did when I felt so strongly about being in slave position for Him. I adore Him, He’s my one true love, My King, My Master, My Daddy, my best friend, my everything! For He and I there was only one way to convey that message with no words, let the slave in me show the way!

I can now see a great future ahead of us. I’m still afraid of will He have to leave again. We have lots to let heal, we will always miss “B”. She’s never off my mind. I want our future plans, now more than ever! I’m a strong believer that we have been through everything now, and still we are doing this together. That has always been a promise we made each other that we will get through everything and anything TOGETHER! Some things have been easier than others, But that’s life. The fact that we have been through so much and we’re still standing is a miracle in itself, one I’m thankful for and I won’t take my life for granted.

Life is getting back to normal. My anger has subsided. Daddy is back to himself! That’s a good and bad thing, He’s just itching to beat my ass. Now that we live together I’ve got no way to save it. He used to go If I was a praying person I’d ask for some kind of miracle there too, like my ass fall off, his hand can’t hit my ass for a good reason, can’t think of one. How the fuck does He always know what I need. I think everything is gonna be good!

I love you Daddy❤️

Holidays are coming

This will be our first major holiday without our lil cookie. The house is looking festive, tree up, stockings hung with care, yummy goodness baking in the kitchen, but you get that something is missing. 

We have had (almost) six months to grieve the loss of our lil one. Some of us are doing better than others, but getting the kids through this became priority one. 

Visiting Santa recently, was supposed to be fun, but she was missing. So I quickly made an excuse to get away from happy people. 

We went through her room, packed most of her things. We kept certain things out so as we walk past her room we see the happy stuff we loved. We are smiling a little. We are releasing balloons on Christmas so we can give her something to. We found all these toys, outfits, just fun things she would have loved, but the only thing we bought was a bear in her memory. 

The pain hasn’t quite subsided, but you finally learn how to hide it, and get through the day. 

As far as our lifestyle, well it’s been on hold. He’s still the head of our home, and due that respect, but we are just like everyone else right now. Don’t get me wrong, somedays the slave in me wants to kneel. I cannot ask for pain anymore as I think it would kill me, as pain used to get my head clear and help me not struggle. But the pain that’s in me now is awful, it’s like I’m bleeding inside and no one can see it or feel it. Months later I’m still asking myself, ” how did this happen, how did we get here?” 

In a few words, I guess I’m lost. I’m trying to be a good mom to our other children, a good woman to my man, and good slave to my Master. As we are going through such a tough time I find myself angry, most with my Master. Everything feels like it’s in my lap , at the moment. He wants to know how I’m doing (same as every other day, next question), I used to trust blindy, as we slaves are supposed to do. But in the face of tragedy I am filled with questions. I serve, but not with my whole heart at this moment. I have even yelled at him, much to his chagrin, but it just came out. It was more about Him causing me more pain, He didn’t know.

I needed Him to stop pushing me so hard, that wasn’t helping. Stop asking me to do more than I can. I even lost a really good job since I wasn’t holding it together as well as I hoped. Now I’ve tried a few jobs only to quit after a few weeks. What is my direction, what am I supposed to be doing… Yet, I don’t want Him to answer these questions, apparently I want to struggle. I absolutely have no idea what I want right now. I just know I don’t want to be pushed to hard, I feel as I could break, or leave. 

I’m working on as many things as I can in my head, but pain from Him would kill me, plus my trust has been shaken. He needs to do much work before I can be where I was before, and if He cannot understand this then I may have lost Him. 

Reality has been a butter sweet pill that I don’t enjoy. I ask myself that after all that has happened, is this truly where I belong. Only one person can answer that question, me. I am searching for the answer, more than anyone knows. It used to be so clear, now it’s not. Can it all be fixed? Hope is all I have. Will He feel my heart and show me that I still belong here. Will He make a life for us that is even more wonderful than we can both imagine.

Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. Thank you for being so kind. My Master, and I and our children hope you have the happiest holidays this season. 

Happy 4th of July

Our family hopes you have a wonderful day to today celebrating Americas freedom.

Our family is having a rough time. Once she was gone, we were broken. Coming to terms with she won’t be back, has been a thought that doesn’t want to process.

We are trying to get back to normal, only for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was. What was I doing before all of this? Was I thankful everyday that I had such a great life? I find myself waking each morning I’m already in tears. If I close my eyes I see her, so why close my eyes…

I’m having a hard time eating. I go to the fridge and look around, my thoughts are “what do I want?” I know what I want, to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. She’s not in the fridge, so I close the door. I realize I’m not eating much. Food lost it’s flavor. Except BBQ.

My house is staying clean. I actually hate it now. I used to gripe each day. Toys everywhere, piles of stuff, looked like the Tasmanian devil went thru our home. If I could just have that one more day, I promise I won’t be irritated by it anymore, ever again. 

All the challenges of toddlerhood, learning to potty, the accidents, baths cuz that baby is a mess, will you please just eat, no you’re not getting candy, taking my iced tea, bedtime! You’re exhausted at the end of the day, but you smile cuz Mini me is so much fun. Damn that energy is definitely wasted on the youth!

No more seeing her dad be the human jungle gym. No more her sit by dad, put her legs up for him, say”get’em”wanting him to grab her legs, and pick her up and toss her around. When she’s sick or can’t sleep wants to snuggle up to her dad, cause she’s a total Daddy’s girl!

No more build a bear, celebrating holidays, birthdays with her. How do we get thru them? 

What’s the timeframe for moving on…I don’t want her forget her, but I’d the pain in my heart to calm down. 

I went to the store the other day, Everytime I heard a little girl laugh or cry, I had to look. What if it was her? What if this never really happened, we wake up it just felt real. 

What happens when this happens and you don’t get to say goodbye? Does she know how much we love and miss her? Does she feel gone, wonder where we are? It feels so final, it’s just over. Why couldn’t I be warned that it was coming and I needed to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her one more time. Do I have enough pictures in my phone of her.

I feel now all things we will miss. First day of school. Missing teeth. Babydolls and Barbie’s. Learning to ride a bike. Makeup. Girls night with both my daughters. Sleepovers with friends. Driving. College. Day she gets married. It’s just all gone. What would she look like? Would she still be a Daddy’s girl? 

I know I’m rambling here, but I don’t know how to say these things. We have other kids to get thru this time. Wow is this tough. People keep asking me how I’m doing, I’m numb. I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I just want to stay in bed. I have to work, the bills didn’t stop. 

I miss her ❤️

A moment of silence

I needed a moment of silence, to clear my thoughts, concentrate on whats important here.

What’s important? Well, I am first and foremost His slave. I will find a way to be of use at this time. I will grieve but not let it stop me. That’s not what He would want. He would want us to not stuff our feelings, but also not let it stop our life. Balance.

Emotions are a tricky thing. We tend to not let go of them, let them control us.

How will I do my day in His absence… Like I always do. Kids will have their list of chores to get done. I will be at work. I will find out what my Master needs from me, and get it done quickly as I can. Be His strength right now. He will need me in this very rough time. I know my place. By His side.

I will fight my inner urge to stay in bed and be depressed, as it will not help anyone right now. And at some point He will bring it up and I would have to pay for that. This is not the time to push my own agenda.

Doesn’t all of this affect me to? Of course it does, I’m only human. But perspective is key. As I needed to talk to a friend of mine, she’s a wonderful slave, she gave me that moment, and then put things in perspective for me. She walked me thru some things, showed me the slave that I am. What really matters here. I love her dearly, as most don’t know the life of a slave.

There are no books written,’how a slaves to behave in the face of tragedy’. If you’re a slave have some slave friends, so when you go thru the hardest time of your life,you can draw on their strength to renew your own. I have needed her so much. In the one small moment she helped me! I’m so grateful.

I have some great friends, but they are not slaves, that was obvious. I have been confused with Him not right here to guide me, comfort me, give me strength. Yet, I know deep down He will need me to be fine right now, His plate is so full. We will get thru this to, together. Be stronger than ever.

It will take lots of time to move on from this. It has been horrific. One thing will always remain our love for each other, and our children.
My Master has my heart, He knows that. I’m His forever 💓
I love you Daddy. Now, more than ever!

As I take this moment of silence, I realize it’s really happening, it wasn’t a bad dream, it’s completely real. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. She was just gone. Now to get Him back on track to.
Life finds a way..