Happy 4th of July

Our family hopes you have a wonderful day to today celebrating Americas freedom.

Our family is having a rough time. Once she was gone, we were broken. Coming to terms with she won’t be back, has been a thought that doesn’t want to process.

We are trying to get back to normal, only for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was. What was I doing before all of this? Was I thankful everyday that I had such a great life? I find myself waking each morning I’m already in tears. If I close my eyes I see her, so why close my eyes…

I’m having a hard time eating. I go to the fridge and look around, my thoughts are “what do I want?” I know what I want, to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. She’s not in the fridge, so I close the door. I realize I’m not eating much. Food lost it’s flavor. Except BBQ.

My house is staying clean. I actually hate it now. I used to gripe each day. Toys everywhere, piles of stuff, looked like the Tasmanian devil went thru our home. If I could just have that one more day, I promise I won’t be irritated by it anymore, ever again. 

All the challenges of toddlerhood, learning to potty, the accidents, baths cuz that baby is a mess, will you please just eat, no you’re not getting candy, taking my iced tea, bedtime! You’re exhausted at the end of the day, but you smile cuz Mini me is so much fun. Damn that energy is definitely wasted on the youth!

No more seeing her dad be the human jungle gym. No more her sit by dad, put her legs up for him, say”get’em”wanting him to grab her legs, and pick her up and toss her around. When she’s sick or can’t sleep wants to snuggle up to her dad, cause she’s a total Daddy’s girl!

No more build a bear, celebrating holidays, birthdays with her. How do we get thru them? 

What’s the timeframe for moving on…I don’t want her forget her, but I’d the pain in my heart to calm down. 

I went to the store the other day, Everytime I heard a little girl laugh or cry, I had to look. What if it was her? What if this never really happened, we wake up it just felt real. 

What happens when this happens and you don’t get to say goodbye? Does she know how much we love and miss her? Does she feel gone, wonder where we are? It feels so final, it’s just over. Why couldn’t I be warned that it was coming and I needed to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her one more time. Do I have enough pictures in my phone of her.

I feel now all things we will miss. First day of school. Missing teeth. Babydolls and Barbie’s. Learning to ride a bike. Makeup. Girls night with both my daughters. Sleepovers with friends. Driving. College. Day she gets married. It’s just all gone. What would she look like? Would she still be a Daddy’s girl? 

I know I’m rambling here, but I don’t know how to say these things. We have other kids to get thru this time. Wow is this tough. People keep asking me how I’m doing, I’m numb. I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I just want to stay in bed. I have to work, the bills didn’t stop. 

I miss her ❤️

A moment of silence

I needed a moment of silence, to clear my thoughts, concentrate on whats important here. 

What’s important? Well, I am first and foremost His slave. I will find a way to be of use at this time. I will grieve but not let it stop me. That’s not what He would want. He would want us to not stuff our feelings, but also not let it stop our life. Balance.

Emotions are a tricky thing. We tend to not let go of them, let them control us. 

How will I do my day in His absence… Like I always do. Kids will have their list of chores to get done. I will be at work. I will find out what my Master needs from me, and get it done quickly as I can. Be His strength right now. He will need me in this very rough time. I know my place. By His side. 

I will fight my inner urge to stay in bed and be depressed, as it will not help anyone right now. And at some point He will bring it up and I would have to pay for that. This is not the time to push my own agenda. 

Doesn’t all of this affect me to? Of course it does, I’m only human. But perspective is key. As I needed to talk to a friend of mine, she’s a wonderful slave, she gave me that moment, and then put things in perspective for me. She walked me thru some things, showed me the slave that I am. What really matters here. I love her dearly, as most don’t know the life of a slave. 

There are no books written,’how a slaves to behave in the face of tragedy’.  If you’re a slave have some slave friends, so when you go thru the hardest time of your life,you can draw on their strength to renew your own. I have needed her so much. In the one small moment she helped me! I’m so grateful.

I have some great friends, but they are not slaves, that was obvious. I have been confused with Him not right here to guide me, comfort me, give me strength. Yet, I know deep down He will need me to be fine right now, His plate is so full. We will get thru this to, together. Be stronger than ever. 

It will take lots of time to move on from this. It has been horrific. One thing will always remain our love for each other, and our children. 
My Master has my heart, He knows that. I’m His forever 💓
I love you Daddy. Now, more than ever!

As I take this moment of silence, I realize it’s really happening, it wasn’t a bad dream, it’s completely real. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. She was just gone. Now to get Him back on track to. 
Life finds a way.. 

RIP our little cookie

She was only 3, cutest lil thing you’ve ever seen. I adored her the moment I saw her. How could I not, she’s just like him. 

I’ll always remember her making goofy faces with her dad, and her sister. Just being her very busy self. Putting on tons of lip gloss or chapstick,she looked beautiful! No matter what she was doing she involved you. Whether coloring, trying to read, loved stuffed animals. 

My heart aches, I seek for an answer I’ll never find. Why did she have to go so soon. We will all miss you 🍪 cookie. We love you so much! We know you are in heaven playing up there. Eating all the food, playing with balls and swim noodles,and babies.

We have all cried and cried tonight, it just doesn’t feel real yet. We love you cookie, and no matter how much we miss you, your daddy misses you like a bajillion times over. We will never forget you. We will never be the same without you babygirl. 

He’s a worthy King indeed

How in the world,in our lifestyle can you tell when one has earned the title, ‘King’?

First of all, I’m not new. Any man in the lifestyle, that refers to himself as royalty, is usually one I don’t give the time of day to, never have. A dominant should exude confidence, not arrogance. There’s a huge difference. 

The dominant who can juggle all aspects of His life (work,family,play) has my respect. Pay attention to the wording, I said juggle , not has all the answers. He’s still human. 

If He is kind to children, and animals, except snakes hates those. Can He be gallant? We all know that men want a lady on their arm in public, and a freak in the sheets. No problem there. But I want the same from my dominant. Will He be the gentleman who opens the car door, and grabs my ass too?! He does!

I want a man who worries about me, will be funny and silly with me. Who can make it a night of bdsm, or just something sexy and hot, Both make me cum, it’s about effort. Can He cook? Cuz I will clean. When I’m sick, am I a priority.

I see Him, as He is. He’s strong, but He needs a woman by His side with strength too, a partner in His life. Someone He can talk to, share His secrets with and knows that no one will ever hear it. 

He needs to know that she has His back. That she’s close to Him, clings to Him but that they can go there own ways and still be 100% committed. She His ‘ ride or die’, cuz He would be hers if He has to. Care for Him when He’s sick. His goals are her goals, and vice versa. He can make someone else a priority at times, she doesn’t blink, she knows it’s for the moment. 

She can tell when He just needs some time to Himself, she doesn’t take it personal, but pushes Him to rest and put Himself first every now and then. They make their relationship a priority, but know it takes both to work at it. Any holidays and she will go pick a gift, she knows He has more important things to do. 

If He’s off with friends, family, or His club she knows she is still on His mind. And He’s on hers!

He makes her talk so He knows what’s on her mind, what she’s stressing about. He wants to guide her, encourage her, help her. They are always there for each other.

They know the goals they have set for themselves,kids, etc… And they both work together as a team. When one succeeds, they both do! 

This is how I know He’s my king. He never insisted I call Him that, He’s to humble. But He deserves the title, it’s been earned a million times over. 

When I look at Him, really look. I see a man with lots of friends, family, and His club but still really lonely. My job is to fill that void, to become everything He needs. Be His partner, His lover, His babygirl, His slave. Cuz I’m just like Him! We have all the stuff ( job, family, friends, kids) but to grow old with someone, cherish the love they give you, take care of their heart. Then you have found someone worthy , someone who should be treated like a king, called ‘ My King’. For He is everything to me! 

In need of my Master

Yesterday He had enough of my attitude, I heard every word He said. I was listening. I had been preoccupied with my life, and I had not been putting Him first. I was guilty. We both knew it. As He beat my ass, with every hit, the pain felt cleansing. He knows how to put me back to square one,peg one. It’s very humbling. I hadn’t realized how far I’d fallen. After He was done, it was very clear.

The tears that flowed were all about how I must have hurt Him, by not trusting Him. I do trust Him, but actions speak louder than words. Where did I lose my way?

I realized all the time we have together, things were starting to change, we have plans, we talk about the future. So, I decided, on my own, to just come up with a backup plan , but I felt I had good reason. Ill be sharing it. I didn’t say anything to my Master. I was wrong. On the other hand I felt like I needed to stop bothering Him, He’s been so busy. I can deal with my life and get my direction, on my own.

Where did this come from? For me, I  go back a few weeks. First part of the  month. Granted some things had been going on for months. Recently I asked Him, ” what do you want me to write in the card?”  He let me know, so I asked Him if He was really ready for this. He replied with, ” No, but I guess I will have to be”. This crushed me, and all my confidence in the future plans we had. In my mind I felt like I needed a plan B.  So, without asking Him any questions, I came up with plan B. It was not meant to hurt Him. But I’d been afraid of what His words meant. I wanted to believe everything He’s planned for our future, but now I was scared. What if His words meant He didn’t want anything between us to change. Did He change His mind? Did He want anything in the future? 

I’m guilty, I never asked for clarification. My reason was because if He really changed His mind about me, us, I would be devastated. I wasn’t ready to hear it. 

This only happened a few weeks ago. I started feeling like,’ get a plan together for your life, kids lives’. 

I felt very lost, not like a slave at all. I felt lonely in my thoughts, I wanted to talk to Him. I kept up making sure I was serving Him His breakfast, it makes me happy. 

Then some health problems rose up, I didn’t tell Him again, how scared I was. How much I didn’t want to feel lonely. I kept it all to myself.

I met with a lawyer so I could look into a bankruptcy. I need a break from the mounting debt. All this I shared with Him. I am more scared than ever.

I have an ex I need to ask for some help with our son. I’m to afraid to ask. I’m already stuck in my head that my ex will say ‘no’. Master did discuss this issue with me. I feel less alone, I felt better. I need direction, I need Him. 

I’ve had plenty on my plate, as per usual. He hasn’t made me feel alone, He’s just had plenty on His own plate. But as He was beating my ass, telling me what He expects from me. I felt love in that moment. His words a few weeks ago made me feel a million miles away from Him. It wasn’t until that moment that I realize I only want what He wants. I do want a life with Him. I can and will discuss everything with Him.

I love being His slave, I need Him, His guidance. I need to talk with Him, make sure I understand. We are both only human. No one is perfect. In our lifestyle communication is key. I will need Him to show me the way. 

I love you my sweet Master. I hope we can talk about all this stuff. I cherish my Masters time. I needed what He gave me. I lost my way, and lost my place. I’ve been scared.  Plus my list seems to be growing. I need direction, and care from only one person, Him.

The fucking Brady bunch

Here’s the story,  of a tattooed lady, with 3 very lovely kiddos of her own. Each of them was searching for something better, that’s when He came along.

Here’s the story , of a tattooed man who seemed crazy. He was busy with 3 kids of His own. The four of them,  living altogether. Yet they were all alone. 

Then this one day the lady met this Master,

 they just knew it clicked, it was much more than a hunch. That this group will somehow form a dysfunctional family, that’s the way they all became the fucking Brady bunch! 

How did He know…

One thing I’m not is a great communicator. I can write, text, but talk… Not really. I’m just not a big talker. 

Even though I’m like this, He makes me talk. It’s been a long road together, He says “what’s wrong?”, ” What’s on your mind?” Sometimes, honestly I’m not ready to talk, or I’m trying to figure out on my own thoughts ,if this is a big deal or not, what made me change? However, if He’s nearby He notices right away and wants me back to my happy self. I’m usually thinking, ‘ please give me a minute’. With Him, there are no minutes, it’s now. Wow, that’s hard. I have to quickly figure out what changed, why it changed. Some things in my head make no sense to me, so why share them. But I had no idea He was at work! Within me! He knows the abuse I suffered with my ex, thru my childhood. I didn’t even know He was paying attention. He’s been helping me this whole time. Wow. I respect Him so much for that, which adds to the love I feel for Him.

I can’t see the bigger picture here. I never do. Where I think I’m doing fine, He is trying to do His job as my Master. To be perfectly honest, no one before Him ever gave a shit that I was so quiet. In fact, I was judging my exes and past Dom’s for that, now that I think about it. It’s really the reason I knew it was never going to work with any of them. They only wanted sex, not the real me. How can you base any relationship on just sex, not even great sex. Well it wasn’t for me. Daddy will tell me it’s ok if I cared for them, or loved them ,it’s in the past. But to me those feelings weren’t there. I didn’t respect them, they didn’t respect me. I didn’t love them, none treated me with love. They cheated on me, I was crushed one more time and thinking there was something wrong with me. So, how could I ever love any of them. Love is something that I’ve been searching for , and didn’t seem to find. I didn’t tell these men that I loved them, it would have been a lie. I slightly cared about a few, but I knew in my heart it was nothing that was going to last forever. How did I know? I didn’t think about them all day, I didn’t miss them, barely texted, never called them. I didn’t even take any pics with them.  All of these things were different with Daddy! I know myself, I’m real with myself. I hope Daddy understands this better. 

I love sex, but if you can really reach me on a personal level, most haven’t, then what’s the point of having them in my life. I never understood how any of them thought I was enjoying the relationship. They knew nothing about me, nor cared to learn. What’s my favorite color, car, movie,etc… Daddy knows these answers! 

Right off the bat, my Daddy was different. He’s fun, adventurous, and expected me to talk. Now I was alert, omg, I have to talk finally. This has been so different, scary even. What if He doesn’t like what I have to say, or how I think. This kind of connection with Him made things very different between us from the start, and the sex has been mind blowing for me. I even have my orgasms back! I am multi orgasmic, always have been. But once I was married it disappeared in the first few months. Neither separation, nor divorce, or dating brought it back. But this one morning with Daddy OMG! It just happened! He stopped what He was doing, looked at me and said, ” Are you ok? What was that?” I politely smiled at Him, let Him know I was fine and that I’m multi orgasmic and hadn’t done that in a very loooooong time. It was true! I didn’t think I could do that anymore. I remember after Daddy left that morning, thinking to myself, ” I’m back, I’m me again!” I was hooked. I had no idea how this man brought that out in me again, but something was different and I was on a quest to figure it out. 

2 years later, I still can’t tell you why or how my body responds to Him, it just does! And damn it feels good! He loves it! I’m truly with the right person. I get to be with Him forever, I think my body enjoys that as well. Life is Good! And this is exactly how I judge men from my past.