I knew if I put sex in the title it would get your attention. So, my thoughts today are about my relationship. Its going great, but I then realize , I have never had a real one of these thingys! I’m not making light of it, I’m trying to think my way through it. Which doesn’t really work. This is unpredictable, which makes me nervous, I am used to looking at things,say to myself: he will do this, I’ll do that. But my Daddy, isn’t like that, not at all. Which is how I know this is different, finally have the answer as to why this relationship is different, that took me 3 months to come up with that, no I’m not ‘special’, but I have never been in a real relationship. I finally got closure on an old Domme that I had just stuffed for 3 years. I go from relationship to relationship, because… I have never found what I’m looking for. That took 3 months as well, OK now I’m starting to think I’m ‘special’. But these are easy questions, but not this time. I’m highly analytical, I can think through anything, I’m not overly emotional which was one of my favorite things about me. Except for lately, I can’t think through this relationship, and I’m emotional. Wtf??
When I talk to my girls about things in my brain, they all have the same advice, take it to your Dom. Now, I have done this lifestyle for quite a while, with amnesia, I can’t really remember everything about past relationships, but the more recent ones I do remember, and the one thing I did know was that I wasn’t about to let anyone in that far, be that vulnerable. Until now, so I did take my girls advice ,and I let my Dom know I need to talk. Here’s my dilemma, he’s has his own life, then there’s part of one with me, how do I know he wants to know all of this crap, be in charge of more crap, and guide me through my life. I’m a hot mess somedays. I have an ex who acts like he’s 5, an ex boyfriend ( we have a kid) who is not much better, he might be like 6 years old. Kids who cant get through the day without my input, ok this one I can deal with since that part is serious stuff I’ve been dealing with their whole lives, my Dom may not know how much there is to deal with, I am not one to explain to anyone, and I don’t ever feel sorry for myself. I’m not depressed, I try not to hold onto things, but I guess after recently it showed me I don’t deal with things, I stuff it and … Well that’s it, I stuff it. Now things are coming to the surface, I need guidance. According to my girls, I need this Dom more than I will admit, they all agree I’m wild, I need rules and structure. Someone who knows how to take control, who isn’t frightened by me, I can and will try to get my way at any point in the day, not think of the damage path. But I did recently hear my children , they wanted to talk to me. They both like the guy I’m dating ( their words) I don’t drink, that scares them after the accident, they don’t like it when I do, had no idea. I am more mellow. They had other things to say, but ended it with , keep this guy in your life, and don’t fuck it up. Pffht, well what if the ‘guy’ fucks it up, they both smiled at me, said he won’t, he likes you. Just don’t fuck it up mom.
Then I realize everyone around me sees that this really is the best relationship I have ever had, ever been in. Now I’m scared that I will fuck it up, thanks to all my friends and my children. They didn’t put any pressure on me, no not at all. Fuckers. I am trying to think it through, but it doesn’t work that way, how do you do relationships? Especially if you’ve never had one. I have no idea, I even went to the library, I realize that my Dom wasn’t in any book. I am the kind of person who likes to be prepared, I’m a Libra, so sue me. We don’t do surprises. EVER. Ask one of us. If you were to throw me a surprise party, I have had one my whole life, tell me first, I need a plan. I need balance. Then it hit me, this Dom ,there is no structure, no plan, I am completely off here. I can’t predict how this will go, how long it will last, what I should say or do. I finally took a deep breath and decided to let it happen. That scares me, I have never done that before. I’m a Libra, we don’t work this way. But its OK to do new things, try to let it all go out of my mind and just stay in the moment. This is hard, he’s worth it, doesn’t make it any easier for me ! Plus, I have never gotten this far, I usually end any relationship very quickly. I think my Dom thinks I’m crazy, or he gets I’m struggling. Either way, I do look ‘special’.