At war within myself

The war within myself started Saturday . Friday i was just being selfish, did as i pleased. No care to the outcome, well i did think about my Dom , a lot. I missed him so much, later that night feeling physically sick. After talking to long time friends i finally had this epiphany, i wasn’t looking to be released, i needed a day off. So, on this day off that i assumed i wanted. I thought i was having a great time. I ate junk food, had playtime , no texting about where i was going or being on task, drank pop, i hadn’t been allowed on fet for over a month and put myself back up. I did accept old friend requests, but i wasn’t happy about it. I did realize that the people i talk to all the time are the ones closest to me, and i already talk to them. I didn’t even talk to anyone. A few mssgs came through from men, but it  made me angry , because I knew someone actually cared for me, and for more than just sex. They weren’t worth my reply. All the things my Dom kept me from, i actually thought i was missing something. About the only thing i really missed was my Dom. In that moment i loved my rules, my structure,  my protocols. I only wanted Him. I was feeling so sick to my stomach from when reality had just set in, i kept throwing up . I asked to be released, what was i thinking? I wasn’t thinking. That was apparent. Why didn’t i ask for a day off? I’m not sure he would have given that, but you never know. I finally stopped throwing up, i really stressed myself. I realized too that everything i want, i just let go of. How did i do that, i should be banned from my phone sometimes. Someone take my phone away when I’m about to do something so stupid and completely regrettable.  Now i may have sealed my own fate. It took me over a year to find this Dom. Now to figure out how i got here.  I don’t see anything out there that i wanted. I don’t want to start over with someone new. Learn all the stuff about someone. I was already happy and comfortable.  I drove my Dom crazy , but at least i had Him.  I don’t like being alone.

So i spent the day cleaning, taking fet back down, i will miss the readings of friends pages, but not enough. I just let Him go , He was the best sex i have ever had. Am i out of my fucking mind? Obviously. May i plead temporary insanity.

Now, to wait and see what His decision is. Only He can let me know if i am  worth another chance. I have nothing to offer but a heartfelt apology and my body to use as He pleases, and of course take any punishment that i would clearly earn. I have never felt so foolish in all my life. I really needed the day off to be able to look at my life, and appreciate that i had everything i was looking for, and treated it like it was nothing.  I couldn’t be more serious. My stomach is in knots.

Here’s how much fun i had, i ate what i wanted, I’m still not sure if that helped with the throwing up. Drank pop, after a while you lose the taste for that crap. Being on fet, it sucked, except for
readings from old friends. Later in the evening, it did make me cry so hard , like i haven’t done in quite sometime.  I had the worst time, and for what? Nothing.
My life changed in the blink of an eye, and i am so terrified of His answer.  How did i get here?

Do i expect Him to read this and have mercy me? No, i don’t. I just cant stop thinking about it, feeling so upset with myself. I just miss him so much. His blue eyes, his great smile, his muscular chest, his strong masculine voice, my favorite part of him ( down south between his legs, that huge cock!), fantastic ass, strong arms. They way He looked at me. Winked at me, smiled at me, cuddled me. Took me for His pleasure, made me orgasm over and over, listened to me, could fuck my ass so well, and could make me cum from it. Saw my weaknesses and wanted to make them strengths. There is so much on my mind. It will be hard to let go. I can hardly breathe just writing this.

12 thoughts on “At war within myself

  1. TheLifeBot says:

    We sometimes forget how good we have it. The grass is always greener till you realise it is astroturf. Plastic and artificial.

  2. I learned this the hard way too…I used to unilaterally “cancel” our D/s in my moments of weakness, and this frustrated and upset Sir to no end. He felt it was another way for me to run away when the going got tough and that I was not respecting our dynamic. Now, we have a special clause in our contract that sets out a multi-step process if I want to “cancel.” The few days without His presence were very difficult and the few moments of purported “freedom” were miserable. I sincerely hope he gives you another chance.

  3. Shalom says:

    i hope your Dom does show you mercy. This past spring, i betrayed my Master so completely by shattering His trust that i thought i had not only destroyed O/our D’s, but our friendship as well. It’s taken time, but He helped me to understand my mistake, trust Him more deeply and rest in His Dominance. Thankfully, W/we are stronger than ever. Please don’t give up hope 💜

  4. I hope it works well for you.

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