After some recent events, i was able to process a lot of pain from my past. Which i so desperately needed to do. After countless hours of counseling, it was time to move on.
I can honestly say, all the pain that my ex caused was easy to finally let go. Start moving on. He will never victimize me again, i wont allow it. I refuse to be stuck in the past. No matter how scary it was. That man put me through the worst shit, and i am free now.
I feel the only thing i cannot forgive or walk away from, is my feeling about what happened with our son. We were having twin boys, Jay and Jordan.
One afternoon, i started to have this incredible pain, then blood was present. My biggest fear was upon me. I was losing my babies. I kept feeling contractions and wanted them to stop, but your body does as it wants. I called to my ex ( at the time husband) he came into the room, saw the blood, saw the pain i was in. Refused to call 911, or even take me to the hospital. He flat out told me in a cold voice,
” we just dont need one more fucking bill”
We both noticed this small body. It could fit in the palm of your hand, it was lifeless, he scooped it up, and flushed our son.
I screamed ‘ no’
But nothing stopped him. He did it anyway. If you ever want to hate someone to your very core, let them flush the child that was just in your body. I lost all respect for him. I absolutely hated him with everything in me. He still did not get me medical attention, i was still bleeding. He hardly checked on me at all that night. After that night i stopped crying, i didnt cry again. Fuck the man i shared my life with, fuck the world. Where was my son? My tiny son. I needed to hold him. I needed to name him. He was a person, if only to me. Yes, i have tears as I’m writing, this pain is still very real. My son is still gone, and i miss him. I was dead inside, barely existing, i became that mans victim. My life is now new, they way i want it to be. Divorce was a sweet thing.
What happened: i did have to wait 2 days before seeing a Dr. That Dr told me how close i came to death. My body wasn’t stopping the bleeding. Because i bled for so long, it made me anemic. I did still have the other twin inside me, his heart beat was low, and dropping. I had no more tears in me. I went home, and prayed like i had never prayed before. Two days went by, my doctors were keeping a close eye on me now. I didn’t lose the second baby. They said it was a miracle. But he would be what they refer to as a ‘twinless twin’. I at least got one of my boys! Every birthday, every holiday, is sweet to celebrate, but then painful, i know someone is missing. We, still to this day, release balloons .My sweet forever child ( J.E.B)
The pain of losing a child is gut wrenching. That loss never goes away, it will get easier with time. Everytime my one twin did anything ( walked, talked, rode his bike, drove a car, graduated, had a child, getting married) my mind goes to what would my other son be like? They would have been identical. I will never have a photo of my baby with his siblings, or with me.
My sweet son, you took a piece of my heart with you. Keep it safe for me, one day i will hold you, kiss you, tell you how much i have always loved you!
I can forgive a lot of things, but this pain… I just don’t see how? That man will always be a piece of human shit to me. And how fucking dare you put a tattoo on yourself, in his remembrance, go fuck yourself. Don’t ever say his name to me, don’t act innocent, just leave me alone, i know who and what you are, you miserable , worthless piece of crap.