As the old saying goes, ‘Confession is good for the soul’, but how about my backside??
Things that Daddy didn’t know about the weekend, and things that happened during the week. Now, Daddy has said not telling Him stuff is the same as lying to Him. While I don’t see it that way, He does. I’m really hoping He will be so busy, or preoccupied that He forgets to read this and I get off Scott free. Because once He sees it , if I don’t get a little leniency, it’s gonna hurt.
My first thought going into such a rough weekend was not about how much trouble I might be in. It was an all out war going on inside. I had a tough week, tuesday started it off, it was a bad day even though I got to see the most important people to me, minus my sister, but I see her all the time so it was all good! By weds, Daddy and I had our first threesome planned, we thought we planned well for everything , but Daddy didn’t know it was stillborn/miscarriage week, and everybody and there dog sent me mssgs about my son who died yrs ago. They had good intentions, but it hit me hard. No matter how many years pass, I still miss my son. So, that didn’t help. Then after our threesome I couldn’t quite figure out wtf happened to me. I was on this high while the 3 of us were playing, omg!!! Daddy even gave me pain, I was so high that I couldn’t feel a lot of it, guess that was my first clue. Plus I was still so horny from our time together, my brain was somewhere, but my body was raring to go, like a crazed animal. I didn’t say a thing. Then a few hours later, I came crashing down from that elated high. Now I haven’t been in sub space in years, and sub drop for me was the same, it just didn’t happen anymore.
The reason I don’t go through subspacr/subdrop, was I had to teach my body not to. I did escorting and porn for a while and you cannot go through that kind of thing and stay safe, or expect anyone to care. Also, there was no real man in my life, only play partners and I had strict rules , no emotions expressed with them, it was just sex. So teaching myself to not go there was a tough and tedious task, but I did accomplish it, but I figure because it had been years of neither one was the reason it took me a while to pin point what happened. A gf of mine pointed out that it could be, but I blew it off thinking she was crazy. I guess I should have given it more thought, and maybe let Daddy know what was going on in my mind? But I didnt. I was the one girl that never really needed aftercare, it’s nice but unnecessary, I least I thought so. So, I processed all of this on my own. Which meant pushing everyone away, and pissing them off. We haven’t even touched the weekend yet. Oh boy.
Thursday my Dr’s office called with some news. I had a real bad cold. Would need antibiotics. Ok, not the worst news, but it was just one more thing.
Friday seemed like it was gonna be pretty quiet. As I got out of bed I had this weird headache, felt sick to my stomach and noticed this awful smell. Oh my god, the gas leaked into the house, all night long. The whole house smelled like rotten eggs and something had died. The CO2 alarm never went off. I was calling Daddy for advice, never been through that before. Also ,racing to the kids bedrooms to see if all was ok. Luckily, it was. They were like me, felt sick, had this weird headache. I had a dr appt to get to , hung up with Daddy, got out the door. I had to stop for gas ( great, more gas), and this time I am already on alert and had crashed a few days ago. I wound up in an argument with some man, and I was ready for a fight. My kids watched the whole thing. As we were done pumping gas, the man approached my vehicle, but now I was armed. He slowly backed away from my vehicle, and I was prepared to harm him if need be. Later spent time at home cleaning, got my son ready to take him to his dad’s for the weekend ,while planning a weekend with my teen daughter. Dropped son off. All was good, we went to the movies, walked around the mall. It was a decent night.
Saturday, woke up early to go hiking with my sister. That is always fun. But I was already in a mood, and ready for another fight. My mind just would not release any of that dark stuff , even with meditation. By Saturday night, my sister was hurting ( she’s not feeling g good) ,I was sort of taking care of her. So my sister, and my bff, were with me at home ,while we watched movies and Daddys text said I could drink, so I drank my ass off. All Daddy said was ‘don’t do anything stupid’. Well, I didn’t ask Him to define stupid. So, I figured I would do as I wanted, and I did. I even ordered my bff to take me to the store so I could buy more alcohol. He was not wanting to, and even suggested I ask Daddy. But it was late, and I didn’t want to bug Daddy. I still made bff go to the store, as I only had so much time til alcohol couldn’t be bought for hours, which meant I was going to sober up.
At the store…Vodka!!! My favorite, whipped creme flavor,yum. I can fool anyone when I’m drunk, so they can’t tell. I was such a great actress that she sold me the alcohol, but I barely remember it. Once home my bff left me alone with a big bottle of vodka. There was no one to stop me, Daddy said I could drink. I don’t feel I was doing anything stupid. But hey, it was such a great week, alcohol would definitely make it all better (sarcasm).
So, I drank some more. When I couldn’t stand to go get more more, I stopped. I passed the fuck out. Woke up still drunk, but headed to the bar near me for my steelers game.
At the bar, the guy next to me kept trying to get to know me. I didn’t answer one question. Even when He asked me what team I was there for, I just pointed to my shirt. You would think being silent, a man would get the drift, but not this one. I finally had to get nasty with him, ask him to leave me alone. That’s when bar staff seemed more mad at me that I just wanted to watch a damn football game, not deal with this guy’s crap. So since it didn’t stop, I did the next best thing, I left. It was either that, or start a fight. Hmm, that might qualify as something stupid. I went home, ate something ,hoping to sober up. My daughter wanted to go to the mall. So we did. We shared an ice cream, talked, and window shopped. I was still fuzzy in my head, and angry as fuck. We decided to go into some stores she liked, that’s when some guy walked near me ,wouldn’t stop staring at my boobs and wouldn’t get out of my way, we had a few words. My daughter saw the whole thing, his gf asked wtf was happening, he said I hit him on the ass. That never happened, even my daughter knew it. So, now here’s a fight coming! I was innocent, but I will finish some stupid fight. The girl and I had words, my daughter still watching it all, when the girl backed down. Now that brought on this attitude. We walked into more stores. Now, I really want a fight. The only person I could go after, Daddy. He was the only person who had nor seen the whole weekend play out. He had no idea how bad it had gotten.
By the time we were on the phone, I was yelling at Him. I was feeling very brave. He hung up. I called Him right back, still wanting to fight. I did ask to talk to Him, I was sure I needed Him for whatever happened, but He was busy all weekend. He did let me go for a bit, then stopped me dead in my tracks. The only one going to win was Him. I became very submissive at that very moment, where everyone else failed, Daddy did not. He took His control right back, and put me in my place. Told me to tell him wtf happened, that made me so bad off. I told Him a lot of it, but I kept out some stuff, like all the fights. I don’t think He really knew how drunk I got. He does now.
I hope to not repeat this week/end. It was very hard on me. To know that Daddy thought I was behaving myself, while He was having a rough weekend himself, was to much for me. I was finally my calm, sweet self. And very apologetic. All because Daddy took control over me. That was apparently all I needed. I went to bed/woke up, my mind was clear again. I’m not ready to fight everyone. I feel more like me! Ahhh that is good. But then how did Daddy do that? Just the sound of his strong, masculine voice? Just because He’s Daddy? I don’t really know, but I’m good now. Except I also realize I wrote some bad mssgs to people, mostly Him. I hope He wont read them. I should get to claim temporary insanity. This was a bad sub drop. 3 1/2 days of me being at my worst. Daddy and I need a plan before the next threesome, so we can prepare.
Now, to hope there will be no consequences, since no one was actually physically harmed… worried.