He talks to himself, when He’s beating my ass, when He’s figuring out what to do with me next. He does have these light bulb moments. And then I’m nervous, but when He has a great idea ,oh my they really are a work of art.
He’s not so much into humiliation, I think because of my past. But there have been a few times when He knew I meant I was sorry, I put myself thru humiliation. I have only done this once in my whole life, for Him. There has yet to be a man on this big world that could ever put me on my knees and me stay there with complete respect and admiration, even though He was so mad at hurt by me. My heart was breaking as His words cut so deep.
Recently going through a bad subdrop, I was not lovely, but I had no way to control myself. I tried meditation, music, self talk, positive thought. My sister came over, my bff came over. Nothing worked, but the 3 days, of being so out of control, were gone the moment I heard Daddys voice. I was shocked, just completely dumbfounded that something so easy worked so quickly. It showed me that I must really have given myself to Him, it was not just words.
I know I am never allowed to talk to Him like that, but I have a history of being a brat, and Daddy has a history of beating my ass. Which I don’t like, but when it’s not fun, hurts for a while.
But there are things that just stop me dead in my tracks. Like His lectures, I absolutely hate them, it’s mindless. But I must listen, since He asks questions and He expects answers, He gives me no time to process what He just said, which is why I think I hate it so much.
When He stops all communication with me. Oh dear god, for me, its like world war III. I am just seething cuz He has decided to stop talking cuz I’m being a brat. Well, that’s how it was months ago, now when communication stops I know that it could be test. I calm myself, patiently do things I know I’m allowed to do, don’t push Him because it won’t go well. I hopefully have shown Daddy now that I turn the brat off when He goes silent with me. I wait for His lead, then He will let me know how to proceed.
BDSM is not hard to grasp, newbies I have talked to, are sure they cannot do what is asked of them 100% of the time. I don’t think they get it. The point is not He expects perfection, He expects to be in charge since He is the dominant one here. I chose to follow, He did not pick my path in the lifestyle, I did. So, He is doing His part, then I’m expected to do mine. He leads, I follow. He gives commands, I turn it into action. He tells me what to do, I do it, no questions. Ok, maybe a few times there have been questions, but only because the message did not seem entirely clear, so a repeat or clarification is needed, and He is quick to provide as He knows I long to serve Him.
As I was recently talking to some friends on fb. We were talking about which punishments works and which dont. The corner has never worked for me, it could being I don’t like humiliation ,but with neck/back pain it’s not conducive. He has never made a public display of me, and I hope He wont. He has put me on task before, that is effective as again He knows I will do as He asks to please Him. Lecturing, works,sigh… I hate it when He’s better at guilt trips than my jewish mother, my people invented guilt, yet a few words from Him cut me to the bone. Then when He’s done and waiting for my response, the tears are flowing, as I never meant for anything I said/did to hurt Him. He has of course has used instruments of torture on me, but once the pain has gone, I am forgetful.
A sub I met, said her Master cut her hair. I was speechless. She asked what I would do? I gave it some thought. Would I return the favor and cut His?
Would I just accept it and realize hair can grows back, but this would be a tough one as I hate short hair. She mentioned quarter punishment, killer. Most don’t know what it is, it’s that old. Benches, crosses, I have been strapped to them.
By far, for me, is when He says I hurt Him. I just want Him to stop speaking. The shame I feel,my tears, and then His eyes looking at me, are to much to bare. I usually at this point, what to pinky promise to never do it again. I will write 1000 times ,anything He asks me to. I hate it when I didn’t know I crossed that kind of line with Him. He doesnt put me task very often, yet it is effective. Then to make it all better, I need it to be better between He and I.
Then there’s my rules, some of which, he has never envoked the use of. I don’t dare remind Him which ones, just note I won’t like them, if He was to ever use them.
This is, of course, scary as hell to put up on my blog. He’s going to see it. Hopefully not be inspired, no light bulb moments. Just Daddy helping me make Him happy again, but a lot of times it’s gonna be me figuring out how to make it right. Sometimes being a ‘ middle’ isn’t easy.
But then, bdsm isn’t easy, it’s just worth it! Daddy is worth it!!♡