More than words



This has been one of my favorite songs for so long. Heard it today, I still love it.



Training in the arena, are you ready …


I have heard it said by many subs/slaves that training is so hard for them. The tasks, the quiet times, how hard you are pushed. It’s like any other training to me, long hours/demanding mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually. How many times you want to give up, but you must have your eye on the bdsm prize. Remind yourself why we are even put through training. You wanted this lifestyle,  this is how it goes. If you can’t handle the heat, go back to vanilla. You won’t know when His training ends, til He is done. But that part is none of your business anyway, stay focused. Keep your eyes on Him.  Make sure He’s a  happy Daddy/Master/Dom. Trust the process.

It’s a fact , that in bdsm the average relationship fails around 7 months or so. Why? because subs/slaves will accept training without thinking of the long term commitment to it. It’s more then giving submission or control over to a dominant. It’s actual hard work. I won’t feel sorry for you, nor for myself. Anything worth having, is hard work. To learn full servitude, it won’t be easy. With all things any dominant can throw at you, at a moments notice. Well, it’s down right hard work. Are you cut out for it? He thought so, but the choice is ultimately yours. He’s not setting you up for failure, but your loyalty will be put to the test many times. Once He has an idea of who you are,  how strong you are. Well, let the relationship begin, training not far behind. You lucky girl! There is where the non-fun begins. There will be days you just feel done, you can’t give more, you will want out. You might even want to tell Him off, or you do. Be careful what you ask for, and how you behave, you will be learning your place.

Keep in mind, it’s not just your relationship,  and you aren’t the dominant. The training commences. You are in the arena, you must do all that is asked of you, or perish. If only you could see how much He loves you, cares for you, the importance of your training, as each sub/slave are different,  so no training is alike. He’s looking at your weakness, your strengths, your attitude. He will either be cheering you on in some areas, or letting you know what He sees and what will need work. This is where you listen, don’t criticize,  or complain about Him, or to Him. Don’t be foolish and think it will all go your way. If that is your thought maybe you aren’t cut out for this lifestyle,  or you are not a sub/slave.

I have heard subs recently, they talk about being disrespected. It’s not that, it’s training. With all the attitude that we throw at them, they have more than earned down time. I hear subs say ‘that
don’t work for me’. Really? Remember your place. Remember who you are talking to.

Here’s the line of respect you just crossed.  Pay attention .
Dominants plan discipline, they are your mentor, friend, lover, person you can trust with any and everything.  They set up dates for time with you. Talk time so they know how you are doing, hear it, and keep communication open. Have you yet stopped to see it from the dominant point of view? Probably not.
Let’s keep going…How about His needs,  thought about those yet? No. All the whining , complaining,  and criticizing trying to get your own way that  you do, have you given thought to whom you are doing that to? Your dominant.  Have you ever given thought to how long He studied so He may do this long term?
How long He looked for a His own sub/slave,  and picked you. Hoping you would be the one. A dominant even knows how to stay strong in the face of your doubts and criticism. They deal with setbacks in real life, scenes,  the relationship.  How many hours goes into creating a fun time for you both, so you feel special.  This is like another job, but it does have its perks. Are you worthy though?

Then with training,  they watch your progress. If it’s great He’s proud of you, if not so great He’s still proud, but now He must come up with ways to work on your strengths and weaknesses.  That requires more time and patience,  a true Master will give His all to you, for He finds you worthy. Still feeling under appreciated?

This is reality,He’s not playing with you. He genuinely cares about you, more than just sex. He knows when to give tough love, and when to hold back. He will give you tasks, plan for you to become stronger in all areas. He’s cheering you on, He believes in you. Have you shown Him the same courtesy? 

Learn to take His criticism, ask yourself what you can learn from it. He gets it from the world, and you. Yet He still has confidence to face Himself. He shows that to you. He will delight in you doing a job well done for Him. Even things He may not have asked for. He’s not a doormat either. Learn respect and loyalty, remember who you are speaking to, who is training you. That is your dominant. If you can’t appreciate Him or His time, move aside someone will.

Show Him the highest respect at all times. Follow the rules He has given to you, or any commands. For their is no higher honor than His praise. To Him there’s nothing better than your respect, obedience,  loyalty, and servitude.

Now who has it tougher? I do think it is the trainer, the dominant . Keep in mind His life has challenges : a job, kids, your submission,  friends/family.  He will take it all on,  for you!  Is it sinking in yet? Be grateful, thank Him often. Let Him know how proud you are of Him. For He has strength to carry the mountain. He’s not asking you to, He only wants your heart, love, care, honor Him, respect Him, stay loyal.

I find it my ultimate pleasure to be able to serve my Master, even in the smallest capacity. To show Him that love, He shows me. I do find it my highest honor that I gave Him my submission  and control over me. The Master I write about is my own. I have had my moments of forgetting my place, complaining,  being a brat. None of which He deserved. I am granted His forgiveness when I have forgotten my place. Thank you Master. I love you so much♡

Soon you will be completely broken, training will be a distant memory. You will be His treasure set apart from the world,  serving Him to the fullest capacity. In a real relationship,  just stay focused and humble. Good luck!

A glimpse into the real me, 7 months today!

I knew when we met, that you would find my slave side, release her from her prison, deep inside of me. She has waited so long to serve a true Master.

I never let  the slave out anymore, I haven’t for quite sometime.  But I gave you a glimpse into that side, only a true Master would know how to find it, and how to get thru. I saw you searching diligently. You knew what you wanted, you didn’t stop til the slave was found, and then you brought her out. 

That’s the scary part for me, that the slave has been hurt so many times, so to lock her away,  and wait for a true Master who could be patient and know how to get to that slave side within me. It was worth the wait.

I am not surprised that you were so patient,  I knew the moment you had a glimpse into me, that you seemed hungry, ravenous to pull out that slave side, and bare my soul and my slave heart.  Just don’t let that slave side get hurt, to many had wanted that too, but they don’t respect it, treasure it. But I saw something in you the moment we met. You were going to reach deep down, give the slave an enticing reason to come out. Then you would expect her to stay for you.

The slave is here, Master. Ready and willing to serve you Sir, only you. For no other could make her feel so safe, so exposed, but protected.

Thank you Master, it is an honor and a privilege to be able to celebrate 7 months with you today.  I know it won’t seem like a big thing , but to me it is. I’m excited to feel like the real me again. I’m happy to have my slave heart back. I love you so much Sir♡. Thank you for taking the time. I knew you saw that part of me! And would know how to reach it. If this makes you unhappy momentarily with me, then I would gladly take any punishment you see fit to give me, for making you work so hard. This was not a game to me, but I did hide this for so long,  I forgot how to bring her out. I really am not a brat, it was more of a defense mechanism. 

Only now the walls are gone, the brat is trembling, as  I stand before you. It feels brand new to me, to be able to stand here and show you the real me. Like we have only just gotten started.

I love you Daddy! Thank you , i knew you were the one. I am so excited and happy to see where we will go together, and to be able to be the real me!! You have given me quite a gift. Only I feel so unworthy at times, teach my slave side how to serve you properly, that is my hearts desire Master.

Thank you Sir, I love you Master, it has been such a wonderful 7 months.

Getting thru the holidays

This will be tough, just writing this post, the tears are in my eyes, but I’m strong enough to fight them back, at least til I go to bed then let them silently fall from my eyes,  as I miss everyone in my world, no matter how small my personal world is, it’s all mine. I hold everyone I love so close to my heart. It’s just how I am. If I love you, you get all of me.

First off, I lost my fluffy this year in Feb. It just happened so fast, her going down hill. She was 14 yrs old, would have been 15 a few months after her death.


Here is my babygirl with my cat. She was the best cat. When I was sick, she didn’t leave my side. When the kids were gone,after divorce,  she didn’t leave me alone. Now when they go I am completely alone. I miss her. I could tell her all my secrets. She loved me without question. I miss you fluffy.


I lost my son years ago, but the heart wrenching pain is still there. Whoever said time heals all wounds lied. It doesn’t heal all pain, you just manage it. I still long to hold him, kiss him, talk to him, know how he is doing. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. You are always in my thoughts babyboy, I miss you all the time. How many times I have wished for death to make the pain stop.




This loss here was of my own choosing, all the people in my family are quite dysfunctional.  Being a part of their lives, well just wasn’t an option. I do miss them,  especially around holidays. The loneliest time of year.


My cookie face! My favorite little man. How I love you so much! I will miss my sweet boy when he’s not living near me. I can’t see him when I want. This little one means so much to me.

I am not sure how this year will go. Although my Master put me on task the last time I started crying over all of these people in my life. The memories  they have given me, I hope I remember them! LoL. I have just started this Hanukkah /Christmas season and already I want to pack the tree up, dive under the covers of my bed, just get thru the holiday quietly. If I font think about the pain , then it isn’t real, right? Wrong,  it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to miss them, it’s ok to feel lonely. I just need balance. The libra in me needs balance. I did get to share my heart. My Master will probably have ideas of how to help me get thru this time, but I really want to go hibernate and hope everyone goes away. There is still a Master to care for, and more children who need me.

Daddy knows best

When He found me, i was broken , He picked up all my pieces. He put them in a safe place while He finished gaining my trust, and broke off  more pieces , til I  was broken completely.  No one has ever taken such great care of me. How do you say ‘thank you’. As a Master/Daddy He’s just doing His job. He’s very good at it.

Yet He has been delicate at times, I had no idea I was in the process, there are days when it hurts like hell. He is truly wise to know when I’m ready. One true Master, like none I’ve ever seen. It is one of my favorite things about Him, believe me there are many.  I do thank the universe that I got lucky , blessed,  fate stepped in. Whatever you want to call it.

Have you ever felt like the baggage inside was in suitcases, like you can just pick them up and keep carrying  them with you. Well, I used to do that. I have decided to unpack. I completely and utterly gave all of me over to my Master. I seriously didn’t know He was going to be my Master. I knew He was a great Daddy,  my Daddy! But I thought we were mostly Dom/sub. I guess that is why I’m confused. I’m not quite sure how He did it, but He found my slave side, and dusted her off and put her back in position. She had been left behind so long ago. I was never going to display that side of me again. Yet He found it, breathed life into it. She is starting to shine again, wow it has been so long. But Daddy knows best.

I sleep like a baby, when He has His arms wrapped around me. That too, hasn’t happened for a long time. There are so many things that I’m thankful for.

Such as, I know I have exhausted Him and He has the patience of a saint. Hopefully He could tell that’s how hurt I have been. I am ready for anything that we will go through, with Him by my side, I can face it. I don’t have to he alone. I recently had to deal with ‘her’. This was my hardest struggle yet, she never takes no for an answer, always gets her way. For me to not back down took everything,  I wanted Daddy to bail me out. But I think we both knew I needed to this , no matter what. The end result was her blessing. Only 3 people know what this means, but the fact that she listened, was priceless to me.  I think Daddy knew I had it in me to do the iob. Now, I do. I see that Daddy has been giving  me strength. I have even faced a few enemies along the way.

I would love to see where I will be at 3 months from now, 6 months . Wherever I am, I know Daddy will be there! Guiding me, being my anchor, my confidant, and as long as I don’t talk to Him with a smart mouth,  I hope to avoid the disciplinarian in Him. I need to not push like I have. I don’t want Daddy to think I’m not happy, I’m very happy. The bratty ways are coming undone little by little. They need to go for me to be able to give  myself over completely.  There is no room for a brat, when you serve Master. Him having me on a short leash also means He is done with the brat. Now to show Him I’m really trying my best.

I stopped biting my nails. I am trying to not complain over the changes, I still am not loving the cooking nearly every night, but my kids do. I was on task, and it was fun!  I go to the gym before I start acting lazy, better choice. I am nicer to my enemies. I am getting more into grooming, for Daddy. I have a ring and a slave day collar to wear, to show the world I belong to Daddy, I have remembered them most of the time.  I am working on the not shopping thing, Daddy won’t let me fail. I can trust Him.  Thank you Daddy for seeing my strengths and weaknesses, and helping me to change things. There are still more areas that need improvement,  but now that I am not allowed choices. Daddy  makes them all. That was hard at first, I wanted to fight Him, I embraced it, like I had a choice, and now I am more quiet in my mind. I feel free. That is hard to explain, if you have never been a sub/slave.

Daddy and I have not had the official talk, as of yet. But I think He’s done with my sub side too. It feels as if I may have moved to a full on slave. I am allowed thoughts and opinions, my only answer to what He says is “Yes Sir”.  He does not treat me like a doormat. He listens, but ultimately chooses for me. I thought maybe He hated me since He took over everything,  but He has been more loving. I think He knew my world sort of caved in when He took over.  Everything in my world became His recently. My friends looked puzzled, their big complaint was ” but you were only joking around”. They only heard one side, my side defending myself. When I told the whole story they were actually on His side, and said, “wow, you are a brat. Why are you a brat? You are lucky He’s been so lenient with you”. Trust me, I know. The only reason I mention this, is that some of you are new and I get questions. Not every Dom/Master needs to take that kind of control. It was a bad week, I was spiraling out of control, plus the brat part of me showed up. What else could Daddy do? To let me continue would have been wrong, I was on a mission to take over, He had enough. I’m sorry it had to come to.a showdown.

** picture it**An old Arizona town, dirt streets. The showdown would be at day break. Daddy vs. Babygirl.  The crowds gathered round to see the scene in this dusty little town. The babygirl  had run this whole town, for a while. But there was a new sheriff in town, Daddy. As day breaks, there are two shadows standing on a long ,dusty road. One side a man, Daddy, standing tall, arms crossed. No look of fear, it’s not in His vocabulary. The other side the most adorable babygirl you have ever seen, skipping closer to Daddy, running her smart mouth. Daddy, standing there making demands , ” this town ain’t big enough for the two of us babygirl”, and letting her know who is boss now. While she smiles sweetly,  those big brown eyes that pull you in. She felt like she could win. The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, “wanna bet” . The whole townsfolk gasped in horror. They had never seen a babygirl  try to win before, but had she really? Once Daddy and babygirl were face to face, He reached for her, had a good grip and pulled her close to Him. She fought her hardest. But in the end, that little lady was over His knee, willing to give up and promised she had. Daddy didn’t want to do this showdown again. So He took over the town, the people cheered, they had lived with the cute tyrant for far to long. As He was congratulated by all, she walked two steps behind Him, with tied hands that He held onto, He  gagged that babygirl so He didn’t have to listen to her smart mouth, and He was sure her sore, red ass would remind her not to mess with Him again, it was His town now. **

Now each day, as I give Him his morning text. Daddy knows my itinerary for the Day, I must ask permission to get my Day started, a picture of how I’m dressed. Then I may move through my
day. This has kept me humbled ,as I don’t want to push Daddy. I find when I’m writing, my smart mouth goes to my thoughts. Should I let those come out here, I doubt it. Daddy see’s all, He hears all, He knows all. He still knows I’m not perfect, but never asked me to be. He knows I might screw up, but when you are genuinely trying there should be a result. I’m there.

Thank you Daddy, I feel the love you have for me, it’s evident. I love you Sir. More each day!


Babygirl /slave training 101. Pt2

I know I want this dynamic. Now that I have found the man who is my Daddy/my Master. It just feels like it has fallen into place.

I know who I am as a person, as a mother, a friend, a girlfriend. I know how to take care of my home, I can build an actual home, I have been a party planner, a photographer.  But as His slave/babygirl  I find this freedom, a happiness that mere words cannot describe. My kids and friends say they have seen true love when they see Master and I together. I like hearing that, but the fact that I feel it is just everything to me.

I want to be His fully,  in any capacity  that will make Him happy.  I want to show the world that He is a great Master, that will happen by my example I show to the world. I will seek only His approval. I will never be perfect, but He will get my best. In my giving up all control to Him, I will find the true freedom I desire. I need to focus on Him alone. Never question myself of why I chose this path. No second guessing.  I know I was born to serve. I feel I have my true Master , whom I look forward to long term with, as He trains me. I feel excited as we have already entered a new phase, I want more with Him, as He directs our path.

I never want to go back to where I was, or to whom I was. I want Master to push me, I want His change for me. Please Master show me who I really am. I want to grow more each day. Give more of myself. I want Masters training. I wish to feel centered.

I am wanting to know where we will wind up. I am a libra, we don’t like surprises. I can wait to see the direction Master takes us , but patience isn’t my strong suit. I know I can trust Him. My love for Him gets stronger all the time.
Show me the way Master.

**for K. I might not do Journaling, the one thing you don’t like, try blogging!
I know why He requires for me to write as this is ,in a way, Journaling!
I know why He reads them. He is exposed to my feelings, and psyche , just me the person. See, I told you He was smart!!**

I love you Master♡

Babygirl/slave training 101 ,part 1

It’s been a while since I’ve been trained. Whether as a sub or a slave. I know I can trust Him to be my guide, my friend, my confidant, my disciplinarian, my teacher, my mentor, my sweet sadist, my Master.  He’s my Daddy as well, but I don’t know that I have ever seen Daddy/babygirls last very long, but I think we have staying power since we have a stronger dynamic going on.

In my training, as the real me is coming to the surface, surrender is inevitable, and accomplishing that means I cannot just snatch it back when I’m uncomfortable with training.

Now my life can actually get started. I may have been with my Master for 7 months (on Saturday), but it feels like we are just starting out. This new phase has been eye opening. The honesty you have to face, how you must really look at yourself, show Master all of me so He can change things as He sees fit. No more playing , no more giving myself to Him just to take 2 steps back. That is not what I want . The honeymoon phase of this relationship is over, now stepping into a new light, a new time, our shared experience of the past 7 months.

For training , I must understand,  that it won’t matter what training I have been through with any other, this is us now. How Master desires me to be, to fully serve and keep Him happy. To never speak badly about Him, to not complain about Him. I’m to be careful who I talk to about our relationship,  as one never knows that the advice comes from a pure heart. Only go to Master.  I understand that we do things our way, our own dynamic, He has chosen our path and our destination,  I have had time to realize if this is where I want to be, yes it is Master.

As I feel more exposed, naked,  vulnerable,  it can be painful ,but He will be happier as I give this up to Him. He needs to know everything about me as He has to know so He can address all change He will make in me. He has my best interest at heart. I need to give Him ALLof me( grief,sadness,anger.

As He helps me, I will release the past. Start feeling that freedom that comes with being His. Complete surrender, ownership of me, that seems to be His goal. Something He has already, but deeper. So I may serve Him without distraction,  I can trust His intentions, He will bring me to new phases as He knows when it’s time.

The freedom I crave, didn’t come easy. I had to get divorced, to find me. To get that physical freedom. So that at the point where I am now, before the Master I trust and love, He will take me, break me, mold me, and build me up to be what He sees for me. That healing I need from the past. He will have control, I have no desire to go back. I need His rules, His structure, His direction. Before Him as He looks upon me ,He sees a smart, strong woman, but I know He has a plan for me.

He may even ask me why I desire to give my life/mind/body/soul over to Him.  I will kneel before Him, ask for permission to answer and let Him know that I cannot go back,  there is nothing for me there, it’s empty. I want a future, I want care, His care. I want love, His love. I want trust, His trust. I need  and desire Him. I breathe for Him. I want all that He will give to me in my surrender. I wish only to serve Him. I want only Him.

To be continued…