This is sort of like a UFC match. For me it is, I decided to be a sub in my 30’s, the babygirl is just fun! But I started as a slave. I know how to serve, how to address someone properly. I thought I left it behind me years ago.
Now, it appears, it’s back. And with a vengeance, that I ignored it for so long. I am still not quite sure how He brought it out? Or even how I embraced it.
The conflict inside is that my sub side, wants to serve too. But being a sub I can say what I need to say, address him respectfully, I’m good to go. Yet, the slave side , wants me to do better, longs for it. I say something in sub talk, my slave side says, ” this is how you should have said that”. I never thought I would be a slave ever again. But it just comes naturally to me.
Asking for sex:
Sub says: Sir can we do that again, it was most fun! I want to enjoy time with you and make you happy Sir.
Slave says: How may I be of use to you Master? The slave is just happy to be of service and be of use, whether she has sex or not
Sub says: Sir, is there anything you need?
Slave says: How may I serve you Master? Do you require anything of me at this time Master?
All responses are correct in their respective places. But there is still this conflict in me. Which side does He wish to be there. I thought ,months ago, that I could just do both, side by side. But the longer this goes, the more conflict inside. Which does He want? well I think I know, but I haven’t been there in so long that I am fighting giving over to that part of me. I should want what He wants, how He wants it. Nothing should pull me off task of pleasing Him. But the conflict does.
Sorry subs, but we do think about ourselves more than we should. While the slave longs to serve, she’s not a doormat, never would be, but if you have never known the pleasure of a truly happy Master, then don’t knock it til you’ve tried it. To see that look of pure love on your Masters face when you put Him first, there is nothing like that in the world. The sub , however, does serve but not in the same capacity. The sub is allowed to keep her mind on herself, she’s not selfish but her own needs are as important as her Doms. She may express herself as she likes. I know how this goes, I have been both.
My only fear is that now, that my Daddy knows about my internal struggle, He will pick for me. As He should , since I belong to Him, I’m fully His, I’m His property. I have been having this conflict for a few months now. I need the war in me to stop. See, now I’m nervous, I know Daddy will be reading this, and who knows what kind of text will come through my phone. I guess I knew the whole time that at some point, I would need to pick a side. Daddy and I had noticed a while ago that we were D/s, M/s,Dd/bg. Part of me wondered if this is where Daddy already knew that, as we evolved as a couple, the dynamic is shifting. He’s so smart, I will bet He already saw this conflict before I actually brought it to anyone’s attention.