It’s been a while since I’ve been trained. Whether as a sub or a slave. I know I can trust Him to be my guide, my friend, my confidant, my disciplinarian, my teacher, my mentor, my sweet sadist, my Master. He’s my Daddy as well, but I don’t know that I have ever seen Daddy/babygirls last very long, but I think we have staying power since we have a stronger dynamic going on.
In my training, as the real me is coming to the surface, surrender is inevitable, and accomplishing that means I cannot just snatch it back when I’m uncomfortable with training.
Now my life can actually get started. I may have been with my Master for 7 months (on Saturday), but it feels like we are just starting out. This new phase has been eye opening. The honesty you have to face, how you must really look at yourself, show Master all of me so He can change things as He sees fit. No more playing , no more giving myself to Him just to take 2 steps back. That is not what I want . The honeymoon phase of this relationship is over, now stepping into a new light, a new time, our shared experience of the past 7 months.
For training , I must understand, that it won’t matter what training I have been through with any other, this is us now. How Master desires me to be, to fully serve and keep Him happy. To never speak badly about Him, to not complain about Him. I’m to be careful who I talk to about our relationship, as one never knows that the advice comes from a pure heart. Only go to Master. I understand that we do things our way, our own dynamic, He has chosen our path and our destination, I have had time to realize if this is where I want to be, yes it is Master.
As I feel more exposed, naked, vulnerable, it can be painful ,but He will be happier as I give this up to Him. He needs to know everything about me as He has to know so He can address all change He will make in me. He has my best interest at heart. I need to give Him ALLof me( grief,sadness,anger.
As He helps me, I will release the past. Start feeling that freedom that comes with being His. Complete surrender, ownership of me, that seems to be His goal. Something He has already, but deeper. So I may serve Him without distraction, I can trust His intentions, He will bring me to new phases as He knows when it’s time.
The freedom I crave, didn’t come easy. I had to get divorced, to find me. To get that physical freedom. So that at the point where I am now, before the Master I trust and love, He will take me, break me, mold me, and build me up to be what He sees for me. That healing I need from the past. He will have control, I have no desire to go back. I need His rules, His structure, His direction. Before Him as He looks upon me ,He sees a smart, strong woman, but I know He has a plan for me.
He may even ask me why I desire to give my life/mind/body/soul over to Him. I will kneel before Him, ask for permission to answer and let Him know that I cannot go back, there is nothing for me there, it’s empty. I want a future, I want care, His care. I want love, His love. I want trust, His trust. I need and desire Him. I breathe for Him. I want all that He will give to me in my surrender. I wish only to serve Him. I want only Him.
To be continued…