For some reason I always think I can fool Him. He knows. He somehow just knows how I’m thinking, feeling, doing in life from day to day. I hate the holidays, so Him being busy has been great for me, I can hide from the world. I can smile when I need to.
So, the most honest thing I can do is to say what’s going on with me. He will read it, I don’t know you who read my blog so it won’t feel like it should hurt, I can just say what I need to say. At this time of the year all the emotions I stuffed all year come out all at once. I was taught to stuff them, in my defense. From my ex and and old dom, both wanted me to just shut up, and I could feel just don’t bother anyone else with it. That is pretty much word for word. So I don’t bother anyone else with it. But Daddy will ask, I’m to afraid to tell Him, just incase He says I never shut up. I don’t want to hate Him or resent Him, that’s exactly what will happen. I like my life with Daddy, but I know I can’t go on forever not letting Him in 100%.
Daddy is smarter than me. He knows there is this struggle in me it has nothing to do with Him. He reads me, can see the situation better than I can, but waits for me to come go Him.Hes not fooled, can’t be lied to, not surprised by my actions, yet He still waits patiently for me to let it go. He doesn’t force me, doesn’t beat it out of me. He let’s me do this on my own, I know He sitting there quietly thinking ‘if she would just give up, I can and will help her’. I’m afraid of being abandoned, of losing His love. I guess I hadn’t really thought about it before to much, but the closer Daddy and I get, the more all of this comes up. I want it gone which is why I’m dealing with it now, right here.
Talking to Daddy, He’s reminded me that not telling Him stuff is the same as lying to Him, I don’t want to hurt my Daddy so it’s time. I’m just afraid. Will Daddy stay by my side for a long time? I don’t want Him to go, ever. Will He find out how fucked I am, but aren’t we all, and just say ‘fuck it’. I don’t think He will, He could have already, I trust He’s capable to take all of me on at this point. Hey look at that, I trust Daddy! I don’t think He will go out of His way to hurt me, sometimes I’m just a female and take things the wrong way. There have been a few times I’ve been pissed, always the same reason, but He will not let me speak to Him with that tone. If I’m mad, He let’s me be mad, but it will be respectful. That I can do. I love and care about Daddy, and submission doesn’t say all the time unless I’m pissed off then I will speak however I want to. It doesn’t work that way. He knows I’m a pain in the ass, but all females are, it’s which one is worth it.
The things going on inside me are deep. The last few times we have been together I’ve wound up crying when He beats my ass. I try hard to hold it in, but doesnt happen. He let’s me cry. He does ask if I’m ok. I really have no idea what’s it about. Ok, I do, but I dont want to tell Him. That I love Him more than words , more than I have ever loved anyone, and I’m scared to death of that feeling because I don’t know how to yield to it, completely give up. I may need someone, Daddy, to show me the way. I only trust my Daddy.
The last few days, I have slept nearly all day long. That’s how I know what’s going on is a big deal. I was offered chocolate and I didn’t take any, but then I don’t want Daddy to think He can’t trust me even when I’m not in His presence. Once He took full and complete control, just a few weeks ago ,something happened to me. I have this last little bit to surrender to Him and I’m trying to keep it, I know I cant. The more I hold on to it, the more it’s like sand falling through my fingers. I want to keep each piece of the old me, but I see Daddy standing in front me, finding it ridiculous that I would hold on to the old me, when Daddy see’s this potential of a new me emerging. What if I don’t like her? What if I’m scared? I don’t think He’s going to stop pushing. Just the other day He told me He thinks I could start a business. I was so scared, why does He have so much faith in me. Letting Daddy mold my life, I want to see myself through His eyes. He believes in me so much. Who will I be when He’s done. I’m scared, but I haven’t let fear stop me before, I don’t want to start now. I love you Daddy, I might need your help to let the last little bit of me go. I want to move on, I want what you want for me Sir. I love being your slave, kneeling before you, following your commands. Thank you for letting me cry, even if I don’t know the words to go with it, or I just can’t say them, I’m not sure which. Thank you for your mercy, you could have demanded but you did not. You only ask that I take your feelings into consideration, to do that Sir is to be completely honest with you. I love you, and I’m afraid. What if I can’t be a great slave again. What if I’m just to lost, and no one can find me, not even you Sir. Please show me the way. I want what you want for us. I am already all yours. I don’t know what the next step is, but do it with me Daddy, not for me, please.