Something is on my mind

I am the kind of person to stuff as much crap as I can. I will deal with it later, if later ever comes. Usually some stuff comes out in my dreams. Or I just won’t sleep, I really can’t sleep. I always know the reason why. I will have alittle alcohol to wear off the affects from feeling so deeply, but You has taken that from me. I understand why, but I need a release, an outlet. I’m an overthinker, that is not good. It means I can create a problem where there are none. I wasn’t always this way, but I’ve changed. My past cannot be changed, only accepted and move on. I live with the effects of my choices each day. Since He has been kept in the dark about one thing, I can only assume, that for us to grow, or be stronger together, He may need to know. I’m just not a big talker. I won’t throw my life in your lap, I need to feel safe, comfortable to be able to talk.

Although I did try a few times , in the past, to open up. It didn’t go so well. I know He is not the person who damaged me, but He is the person who will have to guide me, help me change. I guess from talking to a close friend, that He can see potential in me. I look in the mirror , I don’t see a damn thing, other than evil, ugly, a person not worth anyone’s time. If you think you can change that , more power to you. I don’t know how much time you want to put into me. Will it be worth your time, or will you feel it was wasted. 

You remind me all the time, I’m yours. Which I love, I do need the reminder. What happens if you see the real problems in me, will you feel the same. What if you don’t like my evil past, will you stay. How much is to much to handle?

I truly didn’t think this was a problem. I could keep it locked away deep inside. My plan didn’t go as I wanted. I feel to much. Here is the crazy part, I haven’t shared it before. With a close person to me, it came out, slipped through my lips but not so easily. Now I’m left with revealing this deepest, darkest secret to you. Will you handle it the same way as the other person. Shock and awe, then acceptance, move right into it will be ok. This close person didn’t think less of me, I’m glad. But what you think and feel about me can either move me to change things for the better, or crush me like a tidal wave releasing it’s power on me. You have the power with few words as possible to make me, or break me.

The thought runs through my head, what if what I think is a big deal, just isnt. But what if it is. I never saw myself revealing this chapter in my life, to anyone. As of recently it was like a barren land. No man had set forth in that part of my mind. Now the fact that there are footsteps, makes me uneasy,  I want to retreat to my quietness before I need to ever say the words. How will you view that. How will you see me. How will you look at me. Will this part answer questions that we don’t talk of. Will this give some explanation as to whom you picked to own. Will you regret owning me.

I still want you in my life. I still want what we have. I am very happy. Will that matter. I am a libra, I need my balance back. I need my life to have color. I guess I needed to reveal everything to you at once, but I couldn’t.  I really did push this out of my mind. But with you changing things recently, emotions keep coming to the surface. Tears have found me, for no reason. Well no reason I agree with. I’m stronger than that.  I didn’t know this needed to come out to be broken, I thought I could hide it forever. Now I feel I must come to you one last time to give over another piece of me. I have nothing left inside. This eats at me, I am empty. I’m scared,I’m unsure of myself.  I need you to know, I need you to handle this in me. Break this in me, take its power over me.

I think this is why you require me to keep writing, I reveal more here than I do with words when we are together. I don’t know to say these things. But I know that you noticed the change in me. I tried stuffing back down, but it won’t stay. The tears keep coming. I try block it from my mind, but it keeps rushing back.

Help me Daddy,  show me I don’t have to be strong on my own, that you are strong enough for the both of us.

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