I really couldn’t say, not for lack of words, but no sleep for days, no food, a crazy dream, reality set in. Where is my Daddy? I didn’t know. FEAR.
After days of no sleep, wondering what happened to Him, stepping over a boundary I would never cross, taking anxiety pills to calm down, the brat came out in full force, I was anxious, frustrated, scared, and in a stubborn mood. When I’m at my peak of stress I start throwing up, so add in days of that.
When I finally hear from him, He has news of being in the hospital for days, completely out of it, He wasn’t sure what happened to Him, He had a sound of fear in His voice that, at one point, He thought He could die. We have such a strong connection, I knew something was wrong, I didn’t know how to find Him. How to help Him. I had no peace, I only wanted Him.
On top of this I refused to eat. I didn’t go about my day as I normally would. I didn’t follow my rules. Then add in it is the holiday and I was already not in the mood for Christmas, missing my forever child, then having to drive my kids to their other parent, made me feel like a chauffeur. Then it hits me, I need Him, can’t reach Him. I was more upset about how I felt ,then what He might be going through.
A text appears on my phone, it’s been 2 days. I was finally going to know what happened, you think I would feel relief, I did some, but I’m exhausted,hungry, scared, stubborn,bratty, anxious, and frustrated, throwing up , and I was not about to let it go, I couldn’t. I am actually clearly upset with Him. I find my mind is saying ‘ I’m so glad He’s ok’ but the rest of me wanted to unleash my fury. Rather then pick a better moment to quietly discuss a few issues, I pick this moment. That was a smart move. Immediately He’s not feeling like His sweet babygirl cares for Him, she’s on the attack. He goes from being sweet and trying to help me understand what He’s been through, to full on sadist. He’s just met His match. He didn’t miss a beat, and I was not about to back down. I didn’t give any thought to what could happen if I didn’t, I was feeling brave. At least until the next day, I got a little bit of sleep, the med I was given made it all a huge blur, reality was sinking in. It really did happen, it wasn’t a bad dream, it was on my phone. He is always wanting me to say what I’m thinking, but I dont think this is what He meant.
I wasn’t sure what could happen at this point. This has never happened between us. We have had some small arguments, 20 mins later it’s over. But this was tougher,more emotional for me, I was clearly a very stubborn babygirl, now facing a very pissed off sadist Daddy. Who will win? Plus we are not just in the lifestyle, we are in a relationship. Is this how something should be handled? No. It went bad, very fast. I could have done better. Let Him know how happy I was that He is alive, because I was/am. I love this man beyond words. But I could have calmly said I needed to speak to Him, I have some concerns, some issues, plz lets talk when you are feeling better. I know He would have listened and we would have figured out how to handle things. We usually do. We work together that well.
This is the reason I’m afraid to be near him at all right now. Maybe if I wait til the new year,or longer. I know I will have to face Him eventually. I know the sadist in Him has already been filling His head with ideas of suffering, and pain. All the punishments I just took off ‘the list’, are probably all back on, and He may have even added more. I don’t take any of this lightly. I really don’t know how to be in His presence right now. I have screwed up before, but I have never been so scared that I just lost it, and clearly I lost it. We have slowly opened up to each other, a good thing, there is much to talk about. See where this all went wrong so quickly.
Now it’s time to face my Daddy. I don’t know how to do that just yet. I’m nervous, and quite frankly scared, different kind of scared (not abuse scared). If you don’t understand our lifestyle, then you have no idea that what I have done, is a cardinal sin. To push Him the way I did, to show Him disrespect as I did. I am being honest, in a public forum. Maybe you can learn from my mistake. Even being a long time slave, I am not perfect, or flawless. I know He loves me, I love Him. Now to see what will happen… can we move past this? Will we be able to face the issues at hand and move past them? There’s always hope.