What’s on my mind?

I have a guy friend, 3 actually. Daddy knows them, let’s me have my friendship with them, He knows He is the only man I want.

For a while now Daddy keeps saying,
“What’s bothering you?  What is in your mind?    Talk to me, I know it’s something?” I am trying my best to just share it with Him ,the moment He asks.

I process slowly. And a few times when He says these things I didn’t have anything on my mind. But the times there is something on my mind I actually need to think clearly about it. I like to take my time with it, why is this even on my mind? What is so important about it?

Yet after talking my guy friends, I now get it. Daddy needs to know what’s on my mind, so He can understand me better, help me if He feels I’m struggling, or just know since men ,apparently,  think ‘girl thoughts’ means it’s about them, or the relationship.

Most times I consider these thoughts to be nothing more than a waste of my time, just really an imposition. Now this unimportant thought took moments from my life, and because my memory has been affected from amnesia ,a few years back, I don’t know if it’s really a big deal or something that goes with something from the past before losing my entire memory? While that is a good question, it doesn’t make old thoughts just appear in my head.  So I continue to have to sort through thoughts that I don’t know why it is in my head. With Daddy feeling the need to know what’s going through my brain , I guess just sharing this information with Him ,will help Him feel better. Then He can know for sure that His  babygirl doesn’t struggle about Him or our relationship,  but these random thoughts just pop in and out of my brain.

On any given day, I wonder about all the things I forgot. We’re they important, did I hide money anywhere (did it before!), how will I get to school/do work with only part of a memory, and a short term memory that doesn’t hold thoughts for long. I know the good part is, that I can’t stay mad . That is short term memory and within hours it fades of why I was upset. It’s a blessing, or a curse?  So I get to go back to being happy rather fast. It’s not for lack of trying, I can even write down why I’m upset, but the emotion has left the thought, so I’m already on my way to it being a distant memory. But that also means I can repeat the anger/upset too.

My kids have tested this more than enough. I have to write it down when I’m upset, but once the emotion has left the building, uh my brain, it’s done. My kids have a note that reminds them to stop doing something,  questioning me is futile. Same goes with my Daddy if I’m upset. We had a fight last week, I sort remember wanting to talk to Him, felt it was of great importance,  but now it’s all done, on my part. I have gone over it, and over it, I only remember one small little piece of it ( that I would like more time with Him ,I don’t like seeing Him only once a week,it’s hard to feel connected to Him). This was all I remember. I tried writing it down but again,  once the emotion is gone so was the reason behind it, nothing made sense to me, so I must move on.

It never seems fair that I must live this way, for the rest of my life. Doesn’t seem like it will be changing anytime soon. I don’t remember how long it’s been this way, only that it’s stuck here. I don’t carry resentment because of it. It does affect punishment though, when Daddy starts to question me, there are things I have already forgotten, my brain dropped it. But with Daddy questioning me, I’m scrambling to try my hardest to remember, out of respect for Him. He is usually very good to remind me of things, start my thoughts down that path, see if I can grasp onto something. There are times it works and other times it just doesnt. I am never sure He believes me, but I hope it makes sense now.

Daddy can look at me, notice my demeanor has changed and ask why?
I will start the process of figuring out which thought in my head has my attention. This part isn’t easy. Once I’ve got it, I need to try to think about why it’s important. Then to try to share it with Him. I do process very slowly now, after having amnesia. I have noticed a few times that once I share with Him the thought that ran through my mind, He looks at me and will say;
“That’s all you were thinking about?”
Yeah, that’s all that went through my mind. It’s pretty simple up there anymore, if I had important thoughts, those are long gone, or I don’t remember them anyway. I figure I’m smart, even when I write ,these big impressive words pop into my head, and I use them.

So I can grasp I was smart at one time. I guess I am now, to a point. I can take care of mysekf, I pay my bills, take care of my kids, have a life. It’s not spectacular,  but it’s mine. I’m happy most days. I like to get through my day with as little struggle as possible, because I won’t know why I’m struggling in a few hours. If I’m not in the happiest mood that day, it’s either that time of the month, or something happened,  good luck me trying to remember what?!

I do remember a lot of times with Daddy, just not everything.  Not quite 50 first dates, I think I do better than that. Let’s just say since Daddy and I both want to be together long term, He wont have to worry about fighting with me. I can get upset ,20 mins later, I’m done. I can remember this one thought, ‘He’s mad at me’, or its in a text with that tone. But I won’t remember it all, or most.  After a few days it’s just gone, but I know He is still upset. This is the reason I keep texts in my phone. So I can scroll! See how things are going.

Guy talk with my guy friends, granted we were laughing about all of this, it does seem funny when they bring up scenarios that i need to remember, but I’m gonna forget. I know we were laughing a lot about this, but no memory of the exact things that were funny. My memory is just awful ,and that Daddy might not get just how bad my memory is. But hoping He can understand now. That there is not usually anything important in my brain, but if He needs to hear it ,then I will get used to sharing it with Him. I have thought about getting someone to come in , take notes when I’m upset, then present that to the person I’m upset with. They can hear my side of it and argue that for me. This way I could actually fight with someone/anyone.

I hope this helps Daddy. Yes, I have already forgotten what last week was about. I just know it was bad enough to tick you off really good, and I’m paying for it. You will remind me, I’m sure. Love you Daddy♡

-babygirl

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