Journaling 1-11-16. The sub is strong in this one

Well, an eye opening thing happened to me recently. Seeing my sub side on the attack against my slave side, was more than I can handle. Daddy told me to do something, downsize my closet. He gave no reason why, He just wanted it done,  I put it off since the thought of giving away MY stuff from His command didn’t seem logical or like He should even ask such a thing from me. How does MY stuff bother Him. I could have handled a reason to make the thoughts better. Did He do this to see if I would follow direction from Him, no matter what. Did I do as expected. Will more be coming. Will He require me to downsize more of My stuff to make Him happy, and I really am curious to why I need to downsize (He sees weakness in me? He plans on being around for a long time and I need to prove I will obey, no matter what the request is?)

The slave side of me says, ‘Daddy should be obeyed, Daddy is the one in charge, I am to follow without question. He is the Master, I am the slave.

The sub side of me said one thing, one thing only. “Fuck that “.

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But the longer I took, the more He hasn’t allowed me to shop. I love to shop. I have even had my sub side seem to not care if I ever shop again, as long as I don’t have to follow a command that makes no sense. While the slave understands that some things don’t make sense, but the He would never harm me, He wants the best for me, what if He can see this war going on inside me, and He’s trying to help me ,help the slave win. I really don’t know. I would ask for clarification and to speak with Him, but my fear is that the sub will come out, not the slave. Even recently we were supposed to talk about some issues. The sub wanted to fully come out, point out all things I have been irritated about. There was no respectful tone in my thoughts, so letting that come out of my mouth, wow, there was no way to really talk to Him. I let it go. The slave part of me tried hard as hell to takeover and remain calm.

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Am I the only one with this struggle? I hope not, but then this struggle is awful, so I hope I’m the only one. As you can tell I was less than happy giving away all those clothes. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Without even knowing why, just trusting Him. As you can tell from His message it could turn into more. The sub in me wanted to argue that point,  but the slave says, He must have a great reason. And would not ask me to do something that could make me to angry, or cause me to push Him away. My example of obeying shows Him that I will do as I’m asked.

Recently, I was very happy knowing that certain things in His life were about over, but are on hold til He has a chance to deal with the subject at hand. Daddy knows it’s my least favorite subject. My sub side wants this breakthrough, show me I’m important,  that I am all yours. The slave side says be quiet, be still, He can be trusted, It will be in the right time. He loves me, He cares about me, now let Him lead, and just watch. But I was very happy by Him letting me know that this is done.

I really do want Him in my life, long term. Anything worth having, cant be rushed, and He doesn’t rush. I know He shows me all the time how much He cares about me. This was a tough thing to do. I’m sure He understood that, as He knows how much I love to shop, how much I love clothes. I could definitely use some time with Him, just a conversation to know I have made Him happy by obeying, even with the struggle inside me. Maybe someday He can show me , how He see’s all of it, someday.

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One thought on “Journaling 1-11-16. The sub is strong in this one

  1. pet090915 says:

    I know exactly how that feels hun. stay strong, and if you trust you’re in the right hands, there will be better coming out of this. Much love!

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