The sub in me is impossible.

In this beautiful lifestyle I actually started as a slave, at about 17 yrs old. That continued even after marrying a vanilla guy, granted he never appreciated me, but did love being served. About 5 yrs ago I brought out of me the sub side. I was never big on arguing, I could but didn’t like it much. And being with a vanilla man for so long, well I was never going to serve again. Hide my slave side from the world. I couldn’t let her be hurt or used any longer. Once I was separated , dating Doms , they could tell quickly that I had been a slave. So pushing them all away made sense.

For a long time after marriage, 5 yrs now. I knew I was still that slave, but I brought out the sub more and more. Granted into the last so many years of being married the sub was showing up, but not enough. Divorce/separation really brought it out full force.

Once I met my Daddy, last year, I was a sub, slave, and a babygirl.  Daddy seemed fine that we were a little of each , but the power exchange was still good, and worked well.  But quickly, as our relationship progressed, He was not happy with the sub. The sub in me doesn’t hold back, she’s all about protecting me. And I have let the sub just go off and yell at Him, or just say all the things that the slave in me will not say. The babygirl doesn’t want to fight, she’s just a damn sex kitten.

It does sound terribly hard to be me. No, it’s not multiple personalities. But these different parts of me act differently in any given situation. The sub will say and do what she thinks is best, will question everything, if she doesnt want to serve she wont. The slave wants to ask for clarification, but it’s usually to late, wants to serve, wants to trust.  The babygirl,  well she doesn’t care.

The sub side of me wants to come out right now. I’m fighting to keep her down. Like there’s a hungry wolf inside of me. I am doing my best. I need His strength, especially to know how to get the sub to back down and obey. I feel kind of alone this moment. I sort of feel, if He is wanting my slave side to prevail, then I’m gonna need His help to know how to do that.

Recently, He has required me to downsize things. Starting with my closet. Now the slave in me really wants to obey. The slave part of me did obey. Once I bagged the clothes, I took them quickly to a thrift store and gave them away. The reason being, my sub side started going a mile a minute, and all I could think of was how much I needed that stuff He us making me give away.  The sub side wants answers as to why this is so important to Him. The slave side trusts Him to make decisions for me/for us. As we progress in our relationship, and get closer, things are so beautiful.  The sub just wants what the sub wants. How on earth do I get her to release. I have no idea. When I should see Him, the slave side says ‘something came up, I know He loves me’. The sub side says, ‘it should be a damn good reason for doing that to me. I should be worth a text/call’. I think He can see the war inside. But I have no idea how to make it stop. This is not being a brat,  this is like a full on war. 

Anytime the slave side wants to do as I should, as I’m expected to do. The sub wants to do the opposite. In the past I have done whatever I wanted, I made damn sure no man, no Dom could tame me. But I really do care about my Daddy.
Recently, after a fight, yes my sub side came right out ,and tried to get her point across. He shut it down quickly. Even with a punishment coming, the sub wasn’t about to care. But I fought for my slave side to come out and takeover. Swallow my pride, be a good slave, i want this Master in my life. I’m sure this is how He knows that silence from Him is killer to the sub side. But when does the war end? I can’t keep it up. After a day together last week, I felt so close to Him. He shared so much about himself with me, I felt honored. I felt His trust. I felt special to Him. After sharing a very intimate time together, and it was incredible, just euphoric.  I had never had a time that with anyone in my life, I felt closer to Him then ever before. It really felt like we are moving forward and getting even closer. The sub part of me is still there. I don’t know how to extinguish her. The only reason I ever feel a disconnect to Him, is because of my sub side, and yes He has said He feels it to. So part of me thinks He can feel this too. I haven’t let the sub come out to destroy my thoughts of Him, or to make that disconnect feeling happen. No way.

I need His guidance, I need His care. I need His instructions.  Am I fighting that part the correct way.  Is there something I could do better. I need to know. I guess part of me wonders if He can see this going on inside me, and He handles me accordingly . Maybe He can tell, but nothing He can do til I was ready? I’m fully ready. The slave needs a quiet mind. A serene place to just be in front of Him. I don’t have that this moment. I need His help, His answers. 

Feeling lost, confused, upset, irritated.
The slave wants what Master wants, but that sub side doesn’t care.. It all started late Saturday night, with cleaning out my closet. I have noticed He doesn’t give the sub side anything, as not to feed that, not even beating my ass. He hasn’t touched me in months like that, the sub likes it to much. He’s smart. The slave however, doesn’t want to be beat, she wants to serve, to love, to care for Him. But this hunger,  this awful hunger. How and when does it go.

I need you Daddy,very soon.

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