I do have some Dom friends, 2 to be exact. One is going through lots of stuff right now, the other was very helpful. Our conversation was helpful, very insightful. I was so thankful.
So over the last few days, I have gotten my closet cleaned out, or downsized as Daddy wanted it. This was a tough thing, my friend knew this as I was talking to him. He offered some insight. I really wanted to see this from a dom point of view. I got to a little bit.
My friend listened intently. How difficult this task was before me. How it was requested a while ago, and I finally got it done. Not for lack of trying, but lack of wanting to give in.
My friend stopped me right there.
Dom: “How long this has been, that Daddy was waiting for this task.
Me:” little over a moth I think. But I tried twice, but would put it all back, hope that He would forget about it, but then He will check my closet, make comments about it. He just had no idea I was trying my hardest to comply, but I put it all back, twice.”
Dom: “Why do you put it all back in?”
Me: “I think because of my ex, I was never allowed to shop. Now I’m free to shop, well sort of. But I want stuff, I never had stuff. My ex bought himself and the kids everything, in the divorce I got literally nothing. Kitchen stuff, kids stuff plus the kids, and my clothes and personal items, that was it”.
Dom: “So, you’re afraid that Daddy is taking your stuff, maybe won’t let you have stuff?”
Me: “No, well maybe. He said when I downsize I could shop again, but I can’t fill it back up”.
Dom: “So, what’s the problem?”.
Me: “I don’t know, except this side of me , my sub side, didn’t want to comply. I’m not being bratty, I’m irritated. He didn’t say why this was such a big deal. He didn’t explain”.
Dom: “Does He know this?”
Me:” I don’t think so, I don’t think anyone knows I am struggling with my sub side, as the slave is coming out. He wants me to be the slave side, but not a side, completely.”
Me: “I swore to myself, that I would never let her out again, she couldn’t get hurt, or taken for granted, ever again.”
Dom: ” Do you think your Daddy is gonna hurt you?”
Me: ” Actually, no. Recently we had a fight, and He was mad, very mad. But He was kind , He was great really. I did more damage to myself psychologically then He did when He was near me. He smacked my ass maybe a total of 4 times. But hurting Him by my sub side, was awful. I didn’t run away though, that felt good. It wasn’t even on my mind. I feel so close to Him now, I don’t want to run away. But then I cried a lot. He did talk to me. But when we were intimate, He changed that. It was beautiful, I have never had that in my life, not ever. Not with a vanilla guy, not a Dom, not any Master. Only Daddy.
Dom: “You said He didn’t explain why He was requesting you to downsize, why should He have to, are you His property? Does He care about you, love you.”
Dom: ” Then what’s the problem?”.
Me: “I guess I don’t know. But my sub part of me doesn’t want to go away. It’s hard to let it go, I wanted Him to just say why He made this request . It seems unfair.”
Dom: “Do you trust Him?”
Me: “Yes, I would just like to know why this is so important. There was no explanation.”
Dom:”Are you sure?”
Me: “I don’t remember one.”
Dom: “Well, have you gone back over His messages? Really searched?”
Dom:”Maybe that’s the key here. I remember the last time you were upset , we looked through your messages and it was there in black and white.”
Me: “I remember. That helped me immensely “.
Dom: “Then why didn’t you ask Him for clarification or go through your messages?”
Me: “I felt He wasn’t going to clarify, because He keeps saying , He’s Master, I’m slave, I will do as He says everytime, without question. I’m trying to, but this was hard. Ohh, He keeps reminding me, in subtle ways, He is waiting for compliance. Does He know that my sub side is so strong, that it’s like a fight in me?”
Dom:”Did you let Him know you were struggling?”
Me:”No, I sort of felt like He knew. He has said our relationship can’t go to the next phase, because I wasn’t ready, is that what He was talking about? And a few times we both felt a disconnect from each other.”
Dom: “Maybe, you should consider asking Him, not struggling so much”.
Me:”Yeah, I guess I should. I have never found that in anyone. There are times He hasn’t explained. ”
Dom:”Did you get hurt by compying?”
Me: “No , but I want so badly to hear Him explain, but to ask for that means I don’t trust Him. I know how the M/s works. I blindly follow His lead.
Dom: “Can you do that?”
Me:” I think so, I’ve done it before, but not with someone I cared about.”
Dom:”What do you think will happen?”
Me: “I’m not sure. I very much want to comply. But this side of me just says no. I’m fighting that side. I did comply.”
Dom:”Yes you did. That part is good, but it could have been faster”.
Me:”He never gave me a timeframe. When He has commented on it, I have let Him I’m working on it. He still didn’t put a time limit”.
Dom:”Then you answered your own question”.
Me:” I did?”
Dom: “The questions you have are the wrong questions anyway. You should be asking ‘What is He showing me by having me downsize?”, “There is some reason here for me to downsize, has He shared it with me but I glossed over it?” You keep asking why, Does He know I’m struggling. These are the wrong questions. He is moving you past where you are. He’s teaching you something, He already knows you struggle. He’s smart. He’s a very good Master for you.”
I walked away from my friend feeling crushed, just plain stupid. I had been asking all the wrong questions. I have been fighting an invisible fight, mostly with myself, but He feels it too. He can see it. As I did go back over messages, the one thing that came through loud and clear, was Daddy has seen the struggle. He took full control so my sub side could be choked out. I didn’t even know there was a struggle. I get it now. I still never got the answer as to why I am downsizing. I guess if I’m quiet , He will reveal that to me. One thing I do know, is we have been getting closer. I really like that. He hasn’t hurt me. He can be trusted. Does the lesson have to be so brutal? But then again He knows how stubborn I am, and the both of sitting down to an afternoon tea and sharing pleasantries wasn’t going to cut it. You work with what you’ve got. I’m a tough little bitch, and complying hasn’t been my strong suit over the last 5 yrs. He’s the Daddy who is smarter then me, and He’s here to clean up the mess others have left behind. He does have His work cut out for Him. I do think I found even more reasons to fall deeper in love with Him.
I love you Daddy, thank you that you see me, the ‘real ‘ me, and how to fix it. No wonder you are tired, so much of the time. I’m a full time job.