Exhausted doesn’t begin to cover it…

Life can take strange paths, new directions at any time. How you roll with the punches says a lot about your strength of character, lifestyle or not. So, how strong are you?

Me, I figure I’m made of steel about now. I have 4 kids, 3 are with me. With these children of mine, I’ve had my hands full. I am a trained first responder,  CPR/First aid certified. I have used my training many times. Also, when younger, I was in a nursing program to become an LPN (76 hours left of training), I quit.  While I was wanting nursing,  I became a certified nurse aide. I worked with geriatric patients, my specialty with all my training was heart, blind,  or stroke victims. I didnt care how old you were, my job was to train you to be independent and make sure you had a reason to live. As a trained CNA I took care of all dead bodies on 2 different shifts, and when anyone was about to die , well I was on call. I had to train all new CNA’s. The fun part of that was most had never been around a dead body, and if you have, then you know it can freak you out sometimes. Brain activity is prevalent for many hours, I have had ppl sit up, move body parts, open their eyes. You wanna have some fun with new aides, have them help you prepare a dead body for coroner pickup. They will run screaming from the room! It’s a tough job to do, but someone had to do it. I’m a hard worker, always have been, so once I had children they became my priority. 

I didn’t ever want to do pediatrics, I can’t handle children dying on my clock. I guess it was to personal for me. As my children  grew, one thing was for sure, my kids were all sick. My first has heart problems,asthma, blindness], He was hooked up to a pulse ox machine for quite a while. My job was to get him breathing again once the alarm went off. Any time, day or night, my job was to get his heart moving again.  Make sure his oxygen saturation was efficient.  Several times he stopped breathing on me. It took everything I had in me, to not break down ,but get him going again. My son would not be dying if I have anything to do with it.I didnt feel sorry for myself, this became normal to me. My middle child has 17 diagnosis. Some can be deadly, but just like with my oldest, I have had to let this child go through many procedures and most could have killed him, he has nearly died on me 3 times. But my baby is a fighter like me.  we don’t have time to feel sorry for ourselves, we have a life to live. My youngest has some diagnosis,  such connective tissue disease, mitochondria issues, epilepsy, asthma, To name a few. She is treated just like her brothers, we don’t have time to feel sorry for ourselves. She has died twice on me, both times i revived her. I will give her 5 minutes a week to feel sorry for herself, then we have better things to do. I have my hands full each day, as I have therapists who come into my home to help my children be independent.  I work with them each day too, plus I home school, its a better fit with sick kids. When my daughters’  seizures get the best of her, she’s full time care, that means it’s all me. I might be able to have a nurse watch her ,if I’m lucky, so I can food shop. All three kids have pain from connective tissue disease.  I am trained to do their physical therapy, and massages, middle son has hearing issues i had to learn sign language. I have been doing this since they were born. I don’t get days off, well sort of, my ex does get them but not for long, even in his care I’m on call. My ex never helped with the children, never gave me breaks, never could deal with any of it,never learned how to take care of the kids, would not learn how to save their lives, he wouldn’t even ask how they were because he couldn’t deal any of this.  I was angry for years. I had no life, no friends, no time to myself.

I have meds schedules,therapists, specialists, Dr visits, tests, x rays. My life is not my own. Two of my children will go on to have their own life, but one of them will have to live with me for the remainder of his life. I don’t have a problem with this, I’m His mother. I can’t handle the idea of anyone else taking care of him.

Now, I didn’t tell you all of this to complain, I’m actually just being informative. I’m showing what I go through on a daily basis, so you can understand how exhausted I really am. How i have a Master, and I put His needs before my own, as well. I’m always last on the list. I know how to take care of others real well. I have not had anyone ever take care of me, i suck at taking care of myself. I think my Master picked up on that, and took that part over. My friends tell me to slow down, do some things for myself, relax. I tried relaxing  before, it’s not really me. But it has affected my own health. I have to take care of me, no matter what. I have too many responsibilities to stop, or relax. It is nice when occasionally I can get some extra sleep. I tried all last week, only to have my kids need one thing after another, then calls from more ppl needing me.  Master was willing to let me sleep in, but every time I tried,  it wasn’t going to happen.

To be able to have my Master in my life, well let’s just say I make Him a priority. I juggle many things, all at once. So when things start to go wrong, I need that to stop asap, and I figure out how to get things to just flow. 

On top of all of this, I work. I have to try to get to school in the next year or two,  before my child support runs out. I have no sitters. I do get respite care since the kids can’t be alone. I cook meals, do all laundry,  yard work, clean the house, keep up my vehicle. Teach my kids. I also work with parents ,as a liason, when their children have been diagnosed with some serious health issues,i am their last chance of hope. I have to put the whole family back together again. I make time to be with my bff, I need my best friend, just to let my mind relax and have some fun. Even after all this I’m not prone to depression. But I did get stuck with elevated blood pressure. Keeping my kids alive, has taken its toll on me, but then I wouldn’t change a thing. These are my kids, they are fully,unconditionally loved. I would give my last breath if it meant they would stay alive.

A year and a half ago I got real sick, nearly died. An infection hit my bloodstream. I had no idea that I was that sick, I was working 3 jobs My kids stayed by my side, took care of me. I have the best kids! They made sure I ate, had meds, got to the drs. Because of how sick I got , my dr checks up on me. He even has his assistant call me to tell me to get into his office so they know how I’m doing. I’m a horrible patient. I don’t stay in bed. I would rather be up and busy. I don’t listen to drs orders. My Master will have his hands full on this part. I don’t get sick often. I try to do healthy things for me. My dr has his ideas of how to accomplish just that. Putting all this here, might not be wise, now my Master will know all this crap. He may use it against me. Plus I don’t think it’s as important as everyone else does.

Things I do know about myself. Once you have had to bring your own child back to life, it changes you. I’m a very strong woman, I can get through most things, but when my kids are in the ER, I still freak out. Daddy helped me calm down, no one had ever done that before, it was nice to not feel so alone when I was that scared. I need my Daddy. That is not easy for me to admit, that I need anybody,  I’m used to being disappointed or hurt, or abandoned. Someone sticking around and giving me strength is new for me. I also know, that if I fit you into my life, make you important,  a priority,  then you are special to me. I don’t have time for most things I want to do: hobbies, crafts,  decorating, photography.  Things I really care about.  I don’t even pamper myself. I do shop, but that is not helping, it’s more out of habit then fun for me.

I try to live each day, find the good stuff in each day. Some days that’s harder than others. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. In fact, as a single mom, I feel pretty good about my life. I afford a roof over our heads, food, clothing,  all my bills, can shop. But I don’t take my life for granted, ever. The last 3 years of marriage (before separartion/divorce)well we were homeless, my exes family took us in. It was the first time that we couldn’t keep a roof over our heads, no food, no clothing. I could only afford for my boys to get clothes, while my daughter and I wore their old stuff. It sucked for a while, but we got thru it ,but not fully together. The marriage had been over for quite sometime,so just me and my kids, yes me and my kids, this was the end of the marriage from hell, but we had to wait to do divorce, as we couldn’t afford much at all. 2012 was year of freedom. I am still a strong person. No family, but my kids. I have a few good friends,  but most importantly I have this man in my life! He makes me feel not so alone, like I can get through anything, like somebody cares about me, that I didn’t give birth to.  because He is with me, by my side, fighting for me/us, and not against . This is all new to me, very new. I’m always afraid I’ll screw it up. I haven’t been part of a couple in so long, I don’t know how to think that way yet. It is nice. I mean I only saw love at the movies, I’m smart enough to know that wasn’t real. But this feels very real, it has me in tears because it’s so beautiful.  I don’t want to lose it, it’s just so different from anything I’ve ever had.

Today is not a great day. I have my reasons, but I will figure out a way to get back to me. Get through my day, this I know how to do… survive.

-His babygirl


6 thoughts on “Exhausted doesn’t begin to cover it…

  1. MTRose says:

    Thank you for sharing your strength. Your dedication to your kids is incredible when so many give up because “it’s hard”.

  2. MTRose says:

    I’m a former teacher of kiddos with severe special needs. 24/7 is much harder than the few hours I had each day. I always admired the families that “fought” for their kids. Keep up the good work. You have support if you need it; it’s here anytime.

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