How do I love thee… let me count thy ways

We ,as a society, have lived by these words for many years.  But I decided to  talk to my 2 bff’s (N.& C.), here’s how it went.

My friend of nearly 5 yrs, N. Is a guy. He’s a dom, not my dom, he’s married, she’s a sweetheart. I like their relationship, it’s the best one he’s ever been in.  so I do ask questions. Whenever I bring up , what I think is a valid point, to the table N. Shoots it down. Bastard! I start with all men stick together. He calls bullshit,lol .

This time I made him explain. N. has been married a handful of times, dating life, much like my own.  so his help is why I ask. We both sucked at relationships, so how did he finally get it right?

N. knows that Daddy is the first man to keep me excited, happy, has my attention. N is right, it scares the shit out of me. I haven’t ever had this, so now that I do, how do you protect it.

So as N and I talk about relationships,  I like his wife’s input as well. She knew what I was trying to say. I have not experienced love before, for my kids yes, but for a man… no, not til Daddy. Something has just been different from the start.

N. Said; ” it’s all perception. You have to realize not everyone’s capacity to love is the same. Then you have to accept that while maybe I’m expecting my Daddy to be like A,B, and C. He might really be like X,Y, and Z.  Can we both handle that? Do i have expectations that no one could deal with?  Honestly, I never thought about it like that.

Then when I talked to C. (My girl bff) she made sense too. They both nearly said the same thing. But both know me really well, said this is the happiest I’ve ever been. This is the first time someone hasn’t just given me my way, but expects me to do my best in every part of my life. I do like that, but i hate it! I guess i really do like it. even told them that Daddy thinks I can be sort of lazy, I look at it more like laid back, or complacent, I do lots of stuff each day, but both N. and C. agreed. That I can get relaxed, but with all the pain I’m going through some of it is expected,  the rest is I have to get up, get shit done.

Ok, not lazy, highly unmotivated? N just laughed. “Call it what you want girl, but your Daddy is good for you, stop making excuses, see it thru to the end”. He says that everytime. He did say that with the situation that was not mine, I should have asked for lots of talking, even ask Daddy how He felt, so He could reassure me. But then N also knows I have triggers from my past. Asking for help is one of the things, I was taught by my ex, what ‘not’ to do. I learned to struggle on my own. Leave my feelings inside, wait til I can’t stand one more minute,then try to deal with things logically,  but i cant.

After  talking with someone who knows me well, I see where I went off track now. I had seen Daddy trying to take control of the situation,  twice. Both times it fell through, leaving me very sad, upset. Which i neglected to talk about. But as N explained, the situation was never mine to ever try to  take control of. I didn’t see that. I just knew it was hurting me, I didn’t think about how hard it has been for Daddy. I can see now, it was hard for both of us. But I never asked. I should have. But deeper than that, it was never my place to put myself in the situation, even though it affected me. It really has nothing to do with me. I hope Daddy can understand how sorry I am.

N. felt that I was trying my hardest to get through something very difficult. There was really no one to tell it to. I didn’t think I should keep going to Daddy.  Recently, Daddy said, that he thought the situation wouldn’t have lasted this long. That helped to hear that. I really needed to know that He understood how I was feeling.

I had 2 really good conversations,  with great friends.  They didn’t take any side.
They weren’t trying to tell me what to do. I respect that, I treat them the same way. They don’t judge me or anyone in my life. Just honest with me, whether I like it or not. Sometimes it hurts, but they care about me . Enough to tell me when I’m wrong. That’s does make for good friends .

So, how do I love Him… I counted the ways!

1. He calls me on my shit.
2. He knows everything about me and still cares about me.
3. He pushes me to try harder, do my best
4. He doesn’t put up with excuses
5. He is fair
6. He knows I have triggers from my past, and He helps me calm down.
7. He listens to me
8. He talks to me.
9. He trusts me
10.He doesn’t lie to me
11. He will not let me have my way
12. He’s smarter than me. I need that
13. He is tender when I need that, a tough when I need that. He just seems to know .

There are more ways, but most are private!

-babygirl

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