Is the past really the past?

Does the past dictate the future. Does the past ever stay in the past?

I had nothing else to do so I watched this movie, wow did it bring up a lot of old feelings, and bad times in my mind. Maybe you never get to fully forget. But I don’t live there anymore.


I was in porn, but I will back up and start from the beginning. 

It started when I was young, sex was forced on me when I was 6 yrs old. My mother was a druggy/alcoholic and partied a lot, so she would just hire anyone to watch my brother and i. Once she showed up 3 days later, I told her what the male babysitter and his uncle did to me. I didn’t get medical attention, but yelled at and then told to forget it and tell no one. I was 6, I did as I was told.  By the time I was 9 my mom married again, and once I turned 11 yrs old this man treated me like I was his girlfriend. My mom found out by the time I was 13. She again yelled at me , said let’s pretend it’s not happening,  no medical attention. This time we started going to church.

As I got older I would find boyfriends who had anger problems, and would beat me. My mom wanted me out of the house by 18. She didn’t care how, so I found guys who would live with me, but the one I settled on wanted to marry me. I was against this. We weren’t in love, it was more a religious thing from our parents. It was the worst decision. We separated a few times, couldn’t afford divorce. I will admit my life has been a series of bad choices. But you can change it, I finally doing that now.

Once I wanted a divorce from the man who pretty much destroyed my self esteem, and tried killing me , I knew I was in for a tough time. I just had no idea how bad it would get before it was over, and even after it was over it didn’t just end. He stopped me from getting any money, figured I couldn’t get the divorce so he thought he could still control me. I had news for him. I found an ad online, started doing porn. I had no education ,ex never allowed me to go to college, and I never was allowed to work all the time, just off and on. I never knew this was a plan to keep me down. All I had was my body. I knew how to flirt, and I knew how to fuck.

My ex and I were ordered to split the cost of the divorce. 48 hours before it should be paid off , he let me know he wasn’t paying a damn dime. So I asked the court for a 3 day extension to pay his half, I was granted the 3 days. This would be my first porn video.  My adult child knew where I was since he watched his siblings. I got a good amount ,paid off my divorce, and I was on my way to getting divorced, and yes porn paid for it. My son did let my ex know how I paid for the divorce, my ex had taken all my self esteem in years of marriage so this was not going to do more damage. He let me know I was a filthy whore, didn’t deserve my kids. But through divorce he didn’t want the kids. So I became a full time parent , alone, broke. The courts did give very little in child support cuz ex lied that I made money so court took his word. I did get some spousal but ex dictated to court how much and how long he would pay. After divorce I didn’t get the spousal from him, I actually had to go to court, where I got screwed again, and he owed thousands. He has stalked me, threatened me, broke into my home, true to kill me several times. Police did nothing. Child protective service did nothing to help my kids. He was out of control.

I needed protection, and fast. I entered the world of porn to feed my kids, pay bills, keep a roof over our heads. I survived. I had a few doms that watched me and kept me safe, so did bikers. I found a way to make more money, I started escorting. Escorting takes a while to build a clientele.  So I was up at 5am, I would go clean houses for $400/wk. Do porn shoots 2-3days out of the week, I worked with a company in Scottsdale that lined up jobs for escorting. I was smart enough to figure out this business to cut out the middle man. I started online marketing myself and got to keep 100% of my money. My night job was working at an adult, It’s a dark and vile world. The things you will do for money, are just not worth it. It’s embarrassing that it’s me I’m talking about.

My self esteem was at an all time low, and I never thought I could feel worse than my ex made me feel, but I did. My guy bff would come over and just hold me while I cried all night. He reminded me I’m not a whore, just a business woman who needed to take care of herself. He saw something in me that wasn’t dirty, or disgusting. I always needed that. I was raped one day, I couldn’t even fathom what happened, I didn’t tell anyone, but I finally told one of the doms who was trusted to protect me. He made me agree to let him come over to help me. Once he was in my home, my kids were asleep down the hall. I started to cry and tell him what happened,  and he attacked me and fucked me. It was a fantasy of his. Once he was done he was talking, I don’t recollect anything he said, but I do remember him tossing a big wad of cash at me, then he was gone.

My personal life was falling apart. I was not a great mom at this point.  My kids remind me, I don’t really remember it all. Probably a good thing. But one of my kids was suicidal and I needed to make a choice, stand by my child, or not care. I had just started talking to this great guy, the Master I have now, but I was not able to really appreciate him at this point in my life. I made the toughest call ever and I had to let him go and He have his life.

I put my kid into the hospital,  so she could get help. I got myself and my other kids into counseling. I even took my ex to court over money owed. I stopped escorting,porn, no dating,no sex til I knew I was ok again.8 months of no sex, dating. I even pushed my friends away, except those who needed to be in my life, very few people. I did take a long hard look at myself. Started putting weight on.

Once I felt like I knew myself again. I had respect for myself again. I finally moved to a nice area, and went back to I’m not vanilla , vanilla men are boring, I knew I needed a man in the lifestyle.  A few weeks of talking to some men, and here comes one from the past. The one that was hardest to let go as my life was falling apart. I was so excited to be able to talk to him. I wasn’t going to waste this chance to get to know him. Once He knew all this stuff, He refused to let me back into porn, or escorting. Which meant there was no easy way out. I would have to work hard. He treated me with respect. He cares and loves me the way I am.

It felt like for the first time I was safe. He didn’t care that porn/escorting got me lots of money, sex, or famous people in my life. That kind of life looks like it had perks, but the price you pay just isn’t worth it. I wasn’t interested in just fucking every guy. When I started dating my Daddy/Master we were monogamous from the start. Sexual attention meant love to me, my Daddy had to show me a different way. I had only been fucked my whole life, He makes love to me. I have to deal with my pics and videos are up online for the rest of my life. I did try to contact most ,see if they would take my stuff down, and very few did.

My kids are older now, they knew I did porn, they don’t know about the escorting, one does. They do remind me that I was not a good mother at this point. I felt I put them first cuz I was paying for everything, food,clothes,home. It was embarrassing to think that men saw my kids pictures and offered me lots of money for my daughter. I never took it. She’s my world.  It’s hard to remember how badly I’ve been treated by men. Like I was just nothing. I did date a few times, but it was only about the sex. I love sex, the dirtier the better. Once they were done with me I was tossed aside like I was nothing.

If someone had a crystal ball, could show me how my life would go by entering porn and escorting, I would never do it now. But I can’t take it back. My pics and videos, like I said, are out there forever. I was never bored, I had fake friends everywhere, famous ones, rich ones, kinky ones. But no one really cared about me. When I was falling apart, they all left.  Ok, a few stayed, and not for sex. Now life is so different, I have a Master who loves me, we’ve been together for a while now. We do talk about the future, but I’m in no hurry. I like taking my life one day at a time. No more of the past.  My Master doesn’t let me drink either, every once in a while I can have alittle. When I need money He expects me to do like everyone else, work hard for very little money, save, I can shop a bit, not much, but I feel better about myself. 

I’m also heading to school. My Master is setting me up for great things in my life. I feel better about me all the time, I still struggle a little taking off more weight, but I’m doing my best, and I will get there. Even though I feel sometimes as I’ve ruined my life by my old activity, my Master has a way of bringing me to the present moment and reminding me that I’m only His dirty girl now!!! How I got so lucky with this man, I never know. But I’m looking forward to a long time with Him. The older I get I want to make better choices, it’s hard to live with the things I’ve done, but I try to not beat myself up, just remind myself that it’s a new day and I can choose how I spend it! Living in the present, or visiting the past.

-babygirl.      Happy Easter to all.

This is my story, my past from just like the last six years, some from my childhood. If you take away anything , I hope you know that no matter how low you feel, you can still find the man of your dreams, and gain self esteem,  and just pull your life together and make it good.

2 thoughts on “Is the past really the past?

  1. shortstuff63 says:

    I thank you for your post. I too have lived through part of your story. I was raped at the age of 10 . It was hell trying to tell her what had happened. Here I was thinking that she was supposed to love and protect me. But what I got instead was told that it was my fault. Then anytime something went wrong in her life it was my fault. The day before I left her house at 13, I was beat because her boyfriend did not want to be with a woman that had a teenage daughter. For many years I put myself in positions that were not good for me. I was blessed to have good people placed in my life. These people loved me inspite of my past. It has taken some 30 years to learn my worth. I am very happy that you are learning to love yourself. May you continue to grow stronger and to love yourself.
    Your past is a part of the journey to be learned from not to hold you captive. I am also happy to know that I am not alone in the journey to love me and grow stronger.
    You are a blessed lady.

    • stacieinaz says:

      Thank you for sharing your story. It’s not a pretty one, but it’s honest and powerful for us. We are headed in a great direction! Keep up the good work. I’m so proud of both of us!

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