I’m in love, what was I so afraid of?

I am in love for the first time in my life, and believe me when I say I have waited a long ass time. I’m in my 40’s, Damn did I really say that?! Well, it’s the truth, and I’m no longer afraid.

How did I conquer this fear? Actually I have no idea. What it something I did, something he did. A combination of sorts,perhaps.

All I know, is I’m honest about how I feel, honest about what I want. I’ve heard from girlfriends you aren’t allowed to that, at risk of scaring the guy off. My first thought about that, is that if he’s the right guy for me, then he should feel the same, and not want to runaway, he should know how i feel, why should i hide it.

I always thought I could hide from love. I realize now ,you can’t.  It finds you, it works at bringing the two together, someone you belong with. How am I so sure this is different?  For me, it’s because I miss him when he’s gone, I actually want to say those’ 3 little words’! ( I was married, and hardly said them over many years). I don’t even remember saying them to the man who fathered my daughter, I have no feelings for him ,except thankful I have my daughter. There was no real intimacy with either of my exes. I didn’t cry when it was over. I was glad I got to move on, I didn’t need them in my life.

So, here I am. In love, my heart full of feelings , something new to me♡. I don’t know the right thing to do, or say. But I do tell him how I feel about him, what I want from him, from us. How I see long term. If it’s meant to be, it will be. If not, then I opened my heart, and for the first time, and I have no regrets. If I get hurt, I get hurt. If this becomes a memory,  it will be my favorite one. I can at say, I finally fell in love!!

It hit me recently, I’m not worried about where this is going. I’m not putting pressure on this relationship.  I want it to last which for me means you hang on, but you don’t smother the person, they let you breathe too. I don’t worry about the future, it should just happen. How will this go? I don’t define it, nor do I ask how he sees it going. I find to many people do that.

What I am doing,  well I am thankful that I have him! Each day I wake up feeling thankful that he’s in my life. I see obstacles in our life, it will take time to see how we handle those. I know I need him. I have never needed anybody, Miss independent. But that has changed in me.

How will two people who came out of divorce pull a relationship together? Carefully.  Don’t be in a hurry. Talk about things. Don’t be afraid to say anything. Spend time together. Have fun together. Cherish the arguments, yes even those are good moments too. It’s ok to disagree, it’s ok to not always see eye to eye on everything, it’s how you handle AFTER the argument/disagreement. 

I’m in love for the first time in my life. It’s the most beautiful thing, and scary thing, at the same time.

So, why had I not fallen in love before? I mean I know people who fall in love over and over. That’s not me. I always knew it had to be right before I ever gave my whole heart away. I’m glad I waited,  he showed me why it never worked with anybody else, they weren’t him. His smile makes me smile. His voice makes me long to listen to him. His blue eyes make me want to get lost in them. His strong hands make me feel safe. His strong body makes me quiver when he’s on top of me. When he holds me, I still melt into him, as I have since we met. I have felt this way from day one, all the months we’ve known each other, it’s still there! To be honest, I never want this to end, but let’s play ‘devil’s advocate’, if he let me go, I would cry, wish him the best, but live with a broken heart for the rest of my life. I can only hope he feels the same, the fact that he’s still here with me, gives me a clue that he’s staying.

Why do I feel like he’s the right guy. Because when he found me the first time, my life was a mess, a complete mess. I liked him, so much that I didn’t know how to dump my life in his lap and see if he could fix me. So I walked away, fixed my life, then came back nearly a year later. He was still there, still interested. Yet, I was wrong. I thought I fixed myself and my life, he showed me I was wrong. He has been breaking me down to make me stronger in certain areas. I won’t walk away again, I fully submit to him, on my knees, and I am so thankful he opened his life to me again. That he wants to change me. That he wants to be my Master. I adore him for this. There is no man on earth more important than Him. There is no man alive to take my eyes off Him. He’s all I want, all I need. There is no one else that can have me the way he does. I have never opened myself to another man this way, never will for anyone but Him.

Yes, I’m in love♡









2 thoughts on “I’m in love, what was I so afraid of?

  1. missagathaarmstrong says:

    I LOVE THIS – so beautifully said darling one – x

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