Today felt like someone opened the prison doors, and I was let out. I was found ‘not guilty’. I spent 24 years feeling guilty for a crime I didn’t commit, in my mind of course.
Let’s start at the very beginning, it’s a very good place to start. What was I guilty of: I don’t know exactly. My ex made me feel guilty from the moment I was I pregnant, til delivery, there were problems, and he was abusive. So, I lost one twin, kept one. I was supposed to lose both, but by some miracle/blessing, however you choose to word it, I got to keep one baby. There is a lot of info kept out of this, only because I don’t talk about this unless I need to. But my Daddy and my bff want me to feel better. I want to feel better too
I’m sad cuz I will always love my son. Even though I never got to feed, care for him. He’s still my forever child. He will always matter.
Why am I guilty? Well after today, I don’t think I am. My bff, Chanse, is a midwife. So she asked key questions, had me answer them and draw her own conclusions. If anyone ever asked me before, I don’t know I don’t remember.
So, she explained, very thoroughly how I’m not held responsible for my son’s death. Yet, my ex is. I knew I hated that man, always will. Her explanations made sense. It was things I didn’t really know about. I did nursing but I did pediatrics and geriatrics. It made sense, and she was quite helpful, so was Daddy.
Today made me feel like I was let out of prison. That after 24 long,hard years. I was found ‘not guilty ‘. Maybe if I had known sooner, I would have let it go. I don’t know. I do know it felt very good to not think that it was all my fault, like I had been told for years. I held onto this because I have tried to figure out what I did wrong. Did I forget my vitamins? What happened? Today I needed to know. What did I do wrong. As it turns out, it wasn’t my fault. It was all my exes doing. My body could only take so much physical ,verbal,and emotional abuse. Once it’s in survival mode it’s trying to stay alive. My body was working very hard to save 3 people. But unfortunately, we suffered one casualty, my son.I would never let that happen again. Even the next pregnancy with my ex was awful, both me and the baby nearly died that time.
My daughter was different. I wasn’t with her dad, different man from my ex, for long after I got pregnant. It was not the same, as I was showed today, my body and baby did just fine during this pregnancy. It’s strange how you can see something through another person’s eyes, completely understand what they are trying to show you. I feel 100x better. I stopped crying. I do miss my son, but I’m not falling apart. I had been for weeks.
Thanks Daddy, thanks Chanse. You two never give up on me.