The big push

Title won’t make sense, yet…

The longer I’m with my Master, the more He brings me out of my comfort zones. At first, I truly hated it. I was comfy back there. Why was He doing this to me? Now, I see each and every time, it was love pouring out of Him.

If you truly care for someone, you don’t leave them to wallow in their old shit. He has required me to be more of a grown up, then anyone ever. I like to use my excuses,’ I can’t do that’, ‘ this is to scary’, ‘my kids can’t do that/ I can’t do that’,  ‘but I’ve been hurt before’, which I have but not by Him, so it holds no merit. And of course He calls me on it.

He used to be kind and gentle about it. Like coaxing a baby animal to come to you so you can touch them ,show them you’re safe. Now that I have approached Him. He finds that putting me up to the task will get my ass moving. The slave in me, wants Him happy , so what do I do? I put 150% of myself into whatever He has chosen.

Recently,  He had me make a blanket. I had a time limit. I don’t sew, I don’t know anyone who sews. What the hell am I supposed to do? He smiles and says, ‘relax babygirl, go look up  ‘ no sew’ blankets ‘. And then He’s on His merry way. He seems delighted at times when I freak out. I long to please Him, but how the hell am I supposed to get this task done. I walk into a fabric store. I inquire about this type of blanket.  It was a real thing! I bought material, I MADE A BLANKET! Not one, but 3 now. When I’m done, I text Him. He doesn’t seem surprised. How did He know I would not fail? I hate it when I’m on the spot,  He delights in it! I see me going to fail before I ever start. I come up with excuses, none of which change His mind. I’m still on task, and the clock is ticking. I have had to try to outsmart Him. Beat Him at His own game, so to speak. I want to turn the tables and show Him I’m just as smart He is. But then that was His point in the first place.

I’m glad there is no security cameras up in my home. From the moment a task is thrown my way. I’m not fun. Like I said, I try to find anyway out of them. I am even yelling at the walls ‘ what does He want from me?’ ‘ why does He do this to me?’  Once I finally make peace with the task, and get going. I notice they’ve gotten harder. And yet I’m still smart enough to get them done. He has brought me to a place inside myself that is a miracle to see. I think of myself as smart. I haven’t felt that in so long. And obviously no one before Him even cared. It endears Him to me. I smile at my phone ( because I look at His picture! I’m not crazy) ok, not certifiable anyway.

I must say it quiets my mind that I can finish a task. Know deep inside He will have to admit I did it. No matter how hard some of them are. A few months back,  it was cleaning out my closet. Get rid of things I don’t use/need. I needed it all, it’s my stuff. He did not care. It was so hard, I even thought about putting the stuff in storage where He could not see it. Call a friend, ask them to take it so I may eventually get it all back. Knowing Him , He would notice. I did none of that. I actually gave it to a thrift store, and believe me I wanted to go in and shop to get it all back, He was onto me. It was a NO. Plus He made sure to ask for pictures of it all going bye-bye. Which one of my kids, so lovingly did for Him. I couldn’t send all the pics, as I did keep flipping off the camera as my child made remarks. Maybe it was sort of to the kid. Just shut up and take the damn picture.  I knew I couldn’t send Him those 2, as I was sure He would feel it was to Him. I do talk under my breathe at Him sometimes. But once the task is done , I’m happy I put Him first, I pleased my Master.  Months later, I don’t even miss that stuff now. Yes, He was right.

So, recently I was given a task, but this one failed. I will explain as much as I can. I hope to not disrespect Him or myself. I wanted to finish the task, and much to my delight it was almost there. Fuck, I have worked so hard on it. I have no guilt about that part.

The guilt comes in when the other person said something I didn’t agree with. To me, I felt disrespect from this person. Then the claws came out. Really girly, you want to play in my yard? Here’s the deal, be respectful.  You don’t love Him like I do. You won’t share your life with Him, as I do.  Don’t treat anything here as common. I serve 24/7, I am His slave.  This to me is real life, I do it each day, I am honored to be called His.  I feed Him, laugh with Him, disciplined by Him, I follow His rules, I am trained by His own hands. I report to Him.
I  then felt vendicated to share my attitude with my Master as well. Only to be reminded of my place, as He should. I do respect Him even more when I’m not allowed to get away with things. As He explained things to me. I really wanted to know that I’m valued, the fact that He called me to talk did show my value. I couldn’t see that.

Now it’s another day. I failed my task. I’m at a low point.  And now it hits me… oh yeah, it didn’t matter. I do serve Him. I really am His slave. I do get to spend time with Him. Be a delight to Him. I am here for the 24/7.  I do report to Him. I am disciplined by Him. Right now that thought makes me worry will I need the morgue or a hospital. As I haven’t faced Him yet. His words cut right through me.  I was allowed to feed Him. I’m so thankful for that.

No whore will ever matter to Him, like I do. My insecurities are what He tries so hard to break down. He really does delight in me, most of the time. He guides me, offers advice. I saw it as a rejection. How did any whore take over my attitude? I’m better than that. It could be the amount of stress on me at the moment. It is great. When I look at myself,  I must admit He’s done quite a bit of work on me. I like the changes. Granted there’s still more to be done, obvi ( teen word!) I hope someday I am to be the most beautiful treasure anyone has ever owned. That I fully understand my worth. No more insecurities.  It will take time, nothing changed overnight. I like how gentle,yet firm He can be with me. He knows I won’t break in two, I have strength.

I think I’ll know when He’s done with me. When I finally appear to myself ,as I see my 2 friends who are long time slaves. They are beautiful.  I love watching how they are, so ladylike. So much reverence.  They do say, it didn’t happen overnight. I look upon them with such envy. When will I get there?  They both remind me, it took years to find the right Master. That He knew He had His work cut out for Him, and did not run. Yet, He took a broken and damaged slave, and is polishing her up. To be a beautiful lady, for His enjoyment. Can I really handle it? They both say Yes. That if I couldnt, He would have never started the work in me. That He is up for the challenge.  While this made me feel sort of like Sandra Bullock in ‘Miss congenitality’.  I got there point.  I finally belong. I belong to Him. I want to see a look on His face, as their Masters have for them, what an honor.

Now, hopefully you can understand the title. With each task He sets before me, comes a big push to get out of myself, out of my comfort zones. How could I not respect that?  I know why I’m not allowed to drink any longer, I know why my partying days are in the past.  How can I honor Him if I’m just not serious, but looking foolish won’t help. I see what He’s doing.  But this time, I failed. 

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