Yes, confession is good for the soul, cleanses your heart. So I hear, I’m here on my own blog to confess to those who read my writings. I’m not perfect. Today proved it.
About 5 years ago I changed to being a sub, threw the slave me out. I wanted nothing to do with her. She was a doormat, or so I felt. Maybe she wasn’t, maybe it was that she chose the wrong men, and could have fixed that. That could be true, but now i have a Master like none other. My Master saw that there was a slave in me. I put her out to pasture, but He desired I bring her back. Be my true self.
While my Master and I have been together nearly a year, I have only been back to being a slave for about 9 months. I did go to a friend of mine, i will call her (J). I needed her guidance, her slave ways, her thinking, her servitude. Plus she has a babygirl side like I do. If anyone could guide me, it’s her. I do love my friends, but there is something about a long time slave who prides her self on putting her Master first in her heart and thought, and deed. That she devotes herself to him, no matter what. Since my memory didn’t recall everything, I needed the pieces of the puzzle filled in. That’s where ‘J’ comes in. She’s the slave to adore, she makes being a slave look so damn easy, she’s quiet, she’s calm, she’s the epitome of perfection. She brings a smile to her Master’s ( Mr.F) face , he beams with pride of owning her. Which is what all true slaves strive for. So, in my quest to get back to myself, I treasure her help.
I’m not perfect, not even close. But ‘J’ let me know I’m on the right track. Yet, she knows how hard I am on myself. She gives sound advice. Her ways are what I sort of remember myself being like. Just years ago. She believes I can get back there, but more time is needed.
After all the hard work, where am I at? Well, some days are good, and some days I lose it, I head back to my subbie ways. I felt shame today, once I texted ‘J’ to tell her how my day went. I could clearly see my wrong doing. She was so kind and sweet to pick up my spirits and put me on track. She knows how hard I am on myself.
She saw where the communication break down happened. I did too. But the shame was already there. The way I spoke to Him. The way I embarrassed myself in front of Him. I was not a good slave today, and It broke my heart. It made me cry. I love the man I serve. He’s my world. He’s everything to me. Yet, I once again embarrassed myself before Him, and I didn’t stop it. It’s like I was oblivious to it, til it was done. He must be so proud of me, not. I’m not even proud of myself this moment.
The only way I could see to right my wrongs, was to give my Master some space. Hope He still values my submission. As I wonder if He Still feels I’m the woman He loves and wants me in His life. How does He feel about the slave who serves Him. Does He still want the babygirl who craves and adores Him.
I’m getting better, I can tell, progress is progress. Once He called me today to talk, which surprised me and made me feel loved, it went well then went downhill. My attitude disrupted what He was trying to do, which was communicate with me. Once He knew I was on a roll, He hung up. My old ways were to call Him and try it again. This time, I didn’t do that. I decided to keep my mind on what He was saying, He was trying to comfort me. Trying to explain. I heard Him, I just wasn’t listening. I didn’t call back and disrespect Him or myself again. That used to be a pattern. Keeping my mind still and on Him was my only thing to do at that moment. It was the only way to show Him I want to be His slave. And as His slave ,calling Him to argue is not an option. But being able to put myself in my place was feeling good to me. I didn’t want to make more unhappiness. All over a misunderstanding.
If I could only take it back. I would. I wanted Him to have what He wanted, my goal was His happiness. I really wanted that. I was looking forward to that, so much. I wanted Him to feel the care and love I put into His task. And in one moment, I was lost. I do regret it. I was so happy to make Him feel proud that He owns me. Proud that I am His. In a world filled with people, He chose me! I’m grateful each day. I love Him so much. But my actions showed it at first, then it was gone.
Where is a slave to go from there…
What about the woman in me. This is a side we tend to forget. It’s not all about the lifestyle. I can be a slave, but I’m always me. How do I feel about myself… today was a tough day. I wished on my first text that an explanation was asked for , and given. I feel maybe the entire thing could have been avoided. That the task at hand was what I wanted. It wasn’t about getting my way. But I felt ,in that moment, I didn’t matter. Which I know in my heart was dumb. I should have asked for information. I know the woman in me, is not perfect either. I know you are so surprised! The one thing I do know today, I hurt my man’s feelings, he’s my best friend, my lover, my Master, my Daddy, my King, my BEAST, my counselor, my love. He is everything to me. I would go to the ends of the earth for Him. I need Him, he’s my first and only love of my life.
I need to look into His eyes, I find myself. I need His laugh, it reminds how wonderful life truly is. I need His strength, as some days are tough and He gets me thru them. I need His smile, as it melts me inside.i need His hug, as it makes me feel loved. I need His talking with me, as it keeps me intrigued with how brilliant He is( i think so!). I just need Him, as He keeps me grounded. To send Him a morning text, so He knows He’s the first person on my mind when I wake up. I know what I want. The woman in me loves time with Him for many reasons, as I’ve mentioned. Sex with Him is just icing on this cake, orgasms are the sprinkles!
What Does My Heart Say:
I love you Daddy
– His slave , His woman