How blonde am I? Let’s find out!

I’m sharing this story not to make fun of myself, but to come to terms with I’m a blonde. I’ve tried to hide it for years. I’m of a rare type. Blonde with brown eyes. I wish I had blue, but no such luck. 

Years ago where we lived, we found a dollar store. These were a new concept then. Mostly owned by Chinese people, or middle eastern people. Not like today’s dollar stores. But nonetheless they were very cool. You could buy anything for a dollar. I’m also Jewish, so I was thrilled! With my very young boys in tow I made my way to the ‘dollar store’. 

My daughter wasn’t even born yet. My boys were 1 and 5 years old. There were 4 aisles and I had to see it all! My 5 yr old asked if he could go look at the toys. I didn’t see the problem, take my time to find great deals. He goes his way, and his younger brother and myself our way.

As I’m shopping, I hear a child crying. The older Chinese man is sounding upset, “where you mama?” was all I heard a few aisles away.  I recognized  the voice of the  child answering, its my son. I leave the aisle I’m on and go to him. He’s in tears. He swears he couldn’t find me. I’m trying to soothe my son, and deal with the dirty looks and attitude from the older man who owns the store. I take my child by the hand, leave the basket of goods I found. I’m actually curious as to when did he try to look for me? As I’m talking to my son, I keep stressing that there was only 4 aisles. How did he not see me. My son has no answers but still clearly distraught over not finding me.

A week later I try it again. We go into the store and I’m already for finding some bargains!  Can’t wait.  My son asks again, if he can go look at the toys. I let him know there are only 4 aisles so I guess it will be fine, come find me when you’re done. My youngest son and I go off to see the 4 aisles. 

So a bit later, 10 mins maybe, I hear a child crying. I’m sure it’s not mine I told him to come find me. Let him know there was only 4 aisles. I hear the older Chinese man ask the child, “where you mama?”. I hear the child answer the man, lo and behold it’s my son. Again? What the hell? I go to my child. This time I get a lot of crap from the Chinese man, and his wife. I’m ready to crawl under a shelf, why on earth is my child doing this to me? How can he not find me, THERE’S ONLY 4 AISLES for gods sakes. I take my sons hand and we leave again. This time I’m clearly upset and now I’m questioning my son, like it’s the Spanish inquisition. I want answers damnit.  

It takes me about a month to want to go back. I figure I’ll give the Chinese couple time to forget this ever happened, twice. I figure by now they might have my picture up about not letting me in their store after all this. 

It’s a month later. I tell my 5 yr old son to hold my hand ,do not let go. Do not ask to go look at toys, we will do it together after I’ve looked around. He tries to speak, I cut him off, tell him to stay quietly at my side, no drama this time. He tries to speak again, I look sternly at him and he goes quiet. Ahhh, I’ve established authority, I’m the parent! Oh Yeah! I’m doing great this time. I hear a child crying, I look down at my side, take a deep breath as I see my 5 yr old by my side, I’m beaming with pride now cuz it’s not my son. I hear the Chinese man say, where you mama?” But there’s only crying. I look to my other side, I start to panic , “wheres your brother?” My son starts to answer, and shyly says, ” I was trying to tell you but you wouldn’t let me talk”. I go find my son, I pick him up give a dirty look to the Chinese man and take my boys out of the store. I vow to never go back. I didn’t. Now my boys are 20 and 24, they remember this quite well. Even when we pass the empty store where the dollar store used to be. They look at me and say, “there’s only 4 aisles”. We all laugh, well it did have only 4 damn aisles. How the hell do you lose me with only 4 aisles? Not the brightest bunch!lol

Ahh memories in the corners of my mind. Stop singing It! 

☆babygirl

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My heart weeps and aches

This is my new feeling throughout my body. I tried to write about it. I wrote it out 4 times only to find each writing to inferior of how deep this is. 

This past weekend was one of a kind. It was wonderful beyond words. But once over this sadness took over. My heart longs for Him. Like a drug. I need Him, His voice, His command, His touch. But I am not getting that, we have separate lives til into the future, we put our lives together. We try to be together as much as pissible. I didn’t know that when He gave me this complete happiness, that once it subsided it would go to the opposite end of the spectrum, which is this unbelievable sadness. How do I go without Him? 

I finally understand all those stupid romantic movies. A love you will never let go of, you will never forget. A love so big, so vast,  you cannot even understand it yourself to be able to explain it. There are just no words. Maybe if I could show Him my heart, how it beats for Him only. How its gently weeping when He’s away.  I don’t know if anyone really ever understands love and the emotions that go with it.

Once our call ended last night, and this morning. I felt the cure , He holds the key to my heart. He let’s the love flow through my body and soul. I have never loved this deep in my life. I don’t even know how to tell anyone. Not even Him. Did He cause this or did i? Or is this what happens when 2 souls are interwoven together. You get emotions and feelings that you’ve never expressed. They were always sitting there ,waiting for that first real love to open the box and let them out. He is everything to me now. I thought I felt it beforw, this is a new level. It’s wonderful,  but wow do you feel the pain in every breath you take. You wonder if your heart will just stop beating if He’s not close by. It didn’t.  

Love has so much to go with it. When I say I love you, right now it means something completely different then it ever did before. I love you means, my heart aches to be with you, to hold you, to look upon you, to feel your heart beat, to see your face, to feel your skin touch mine. To breathe into me a kiss that gives me your soul, I’ll give you mine. 

I love you, I absolutely love you

It just felt so right

Yes it did. Spending some time with Daddy at His place while His roommate was away. Doesn’t happen often, so we did capitalize on that! Since we want to live toether in the near future I viewed this time as a precursor for us. Can we enjoy each other’s company no matter what we are doing? Can we be vanilla? Can we be just like any other couple? Can we go without sex and still feel completely whole together. 

I know I put a lot on one weekend. But I was curious. I know it always feels right when we are together,  but if we change things up, does it still feel right? It did. It was everything I expected it to be, and more. Real life was happening and we went with the flow. We did life, like we always do. It proved to me no matter where we were,  what we are doing, that feeling stays right there. It’s this peaceful feeling that reminds me always, ‘ I’m right where I should be’. There’s no pressure to it. You can’t make it happen. It just does it on its own. 

So, as I left for my place this morning, get back to our normal routine, I was smiling like an idiot all morning! Not because I’m a blonde and confused, although it does happen,lol. But because this is what I want. I really am right where I should be. I’m so happy. I didn’t know anyone could ever be this happy. 

I love you Daddy♡ thanks for this weekend. 

-babygirl

He’s been debating…

I am worrying about this great debate. Which side my ass will fall on. It’s not like I get a choice, I’m like a prisoner with no rights , waiting for sentencing. Maybe I should have hired representation?  Someone to present my case before Daddy,  give my side of things. Then hopefully Daddy will find some points and reconsider how bad this could go. 

As of right now, still waiting for sentencing. Daddy did say I could try negotiating with Him. I’m not even gonna touch that one. Some things I think He just wants to see if I will dig a hole under myself and fall right in. Yeah, that happens. Right now, I’m being quiet, patient,  and hoping I’ll be allowed to live. 

-babygirl

He might be tough as metal, but He’s also romantic as hell.

Yes, He is! So, friday we had plans! We were all alone, no kids,  just Daddy, me, and our imaginations! 

When I walked in I had no idea what I was in for. He will give hints, you know how the mind fuck works! But I was the one surprised. He bought a single red rose, so frangrant, so beautiful.  The first flower He’s every bought me, I have serious allergies to flowers, and tons of other crap. I loved it! He didn’t stop there, no He didnt! He bought this beautiful jeweled watch. It’s so pretty. I was worried at first, my allergies again, metal touching my skin, but much to my surprise, it had a material on the back of the watch so I can wear it! He had thought of everything . I’m so spoiled, and so very much in love♡

Since that first kiss, I’ve known He is no common man walking upon this earth. He deserves a place of royalty. He has one, in my heart! He will always be my King! 

The night was to include drinks (yum), conversation,  a blow job( He did try to play ps3 while I blew His mind), sex that just gets better all the time. Omg! How He is always able to make it damn HoT! Beyond me, but He does. I’m loving my life so much, it’s my turn to be so happy in my life, and this man is most definitely the reason. 

Lifetime with Him: priceless

* Thank you Daddy, for my gifts, such a beautiful time with you, I love you! And many more to come! 
-babygirl

Studying, but there won’t be a test.

Now that’s my kind of studying! I’m actually researching a certain subject. Now that Daddy has joined an ‘MC’ , soon He will be patched in, ( so proud!) And I will be His ‘Ol lady’ at first not wild about the term, but since it’s universally used I’m not targeted as the only one! Thankful! I’m still not used to ( another word I hate that my son gave me when he knocked up his ex-gf). 

So, my research has been good for me. I want to make Him proud. Even when I entered the LS years ago I studied to be the best slave, just how I am. This has been quite interesting,  but there’s not lots of info, wish there was more. I did come across some women who wrote rules for ‘Ol ladies’ and just like our lifestyle,  they seem to be strict, ways to respect Him and His club ( I’m not a member, He is), I think He will be giving me more rules just as His slave in this new role in our lives. Here’s what I found. I don’t remember the site ( sorry, wish I did). 

* this is NOT my writing, but it’s very well written*

These are all well thought out. If adhered to they show a very respectful woman. One that will make Him proud. Now add in that Daddy and I also live the lifestyle, this will make for an interesting life together. Hard part for me will be NOT calling Him ‘Daddy ‘ near club members when I’m allowed to be with Him. I’m sure that my Daddy already has His speech prepared,

“Babygirl now hear  this…” I can hear  it now from Him. A long lecture on the evils of pissing off Daddy, and the biker part of Him. What will happen to me. He’s just itching to try out some new sadist thoughts He has. I swear He doesn’t sleep , He just thinks and recharges. 

I’m hoping that I won’t be in trouble in front of others. But knowing my Daddy,  He never cares who’s around listening, watching He just acts. I’m usually wondering what ppl think , will they call the cops, but then when He’s got me in His grip and I’m in trouble, those thoughts melt away quick,  especially once I’m wet.  Gotta respect a man who can handle His woman right then and there. I doubt He’s gonna change that for anyone, law is no exception.

I can see Him explaining His side to the law. 

“Officer, she’s a god damn brat. You can’t let her get her way for a second. Not even a nano second, I need to be on top of the shit she does, sometimes before she does it. That is NOT abuse, it’s hard work. No, there is no other woman I want but her! She’s the girl I will punish, beat, spank, torture for the rest of our lives. See, I’m not the bad one, she is.” * it would go something like this*  And the smooth talker Daddy is the cop would shake His hand, and just as I’d be thinking I’m gonna be protected from Daddy, the cop shake tell  Daddy is an amazing man for getting at least one brat off the street. 

Ok, I have quite the imagination!  But knowing my Daddy it would happen something  like that. 

Point still being, I want Him to be proud of me. 

☆babygirl

So confused

  1. Recently there have been 2 men just on my damn nerves. 1. The ssi guy who refused to work with me, just being an asshole because he can. Everything in me just says, ‘this is so unfair’. Because it is, everytime he asks for papers I get them to him, as quickly as possible. You apparently had me believe you were losing them all. Why would you do that to someone?  Just because you can, doesn’t make it right. So I shocked your stupid ass, I lawyered up! I have never seen anyone be so nice as you are being to me, at this moment. Because you realized I wasnt bullshitting you. I meant it. 

    So, on to the next person. This one is my own son. I did vent the other day. But things aren’t getting better. He and I might need to sit down ,but with a referee. My son and I used to fight like this, it was the first year after divorce. He saw his abusive father control me with fear,  he started trying the same thing. We were recently arguing, when he looked at me and said, “Don’t you dare talk to me like that”. This is actually, word for word, something his father said to me many times, but usually being hit right after that. I am not afraid of that anymore. My son and I have talked about how hard  our home life was on the both of us. But it’s not going on now, so you must move on. 

    How/when did he become so ungrateful.  I don’t owe him anything. I didn’t have to have mercy on you during your time of need. I was a bit reluctant because of our old past,  and recent past. No one really knows what you have put me through.how mean you have been, how undeserved you really are. 

    Do you really have it in your mind that I owe you something? I dont.  When you stop being helpful around my home, and why? Plus, you need to stop putting me down. Keep the sick one out of my home. Tonight I said no sick kid, cuz I’ve needed the break, and yet you still did whatever the fuck you wanted. Realize I never have a break anymore. I can’t relax in my own home. There is no where to go without a child, and I need some downtime from all kids. Falling asleep and leaving a toddler for me to care for? I don’t think so. You’re his parent, do your job. I did mine.  you refuse to help out, very little. This makes me angry. Even writing this makes me angry.

    Thanks to my girls for letting me vent. I needed that tonight. I am just not understanding what changed. Why i feel like a victim. I refuse to feel that way. If you think ill back down, you’re wrong.i helped you when you needped it, somehow you lost your way. You will need to find your way again, but soon you may need to get your shit together or leave. If i want you in my life i dont know that i can live with you. The fact that you talk to me like you are your father, guess what, hes no longer a part of my life, and for good reason. Choose wisely.

    This libra in me is craving peace, balance,serenity. Ive been so angry. I need it to stop. But im not giving you your way. Im not giving in. I’m not your victim.