I got it! I processed this all ,mostly on my own. I got by with alittle help from my friends.
The hard part, is putting away the babygirl, she’s to playful. Get myself back to my slave frame of mind. Some days these can be hard to separate. I hear Daddys voice in my head, something about ‘I just don’t want to separate them’. Ok, maybe Daddy in my head knows me well.
I did need to get back to my slave frame of mind. He let me be fun,flirty, and playful. But when the real stuff comes in, I was wrong to speak without asking first, and watching my tone. I do apologize for that Sir. I’m not a perfect slave, but I want my Master to know I care when I screw up. I want Him to be proud of me at all times, but 9 times out of 10 is a realistic goal. Ok, it might be less than that. With real life, and lifestyle, it takes a lot of work to get to that frame of mind to process correctly.
I processed thru the weekend, now I’m just trying to let it all go. ALL OF IT. I know my Daddy well enough to know He’s a thinker and a planner. He doesn’t say anything lightly, do anything lightly. He keeps me in the know as much as I need to be. I also know that He wouldn’t tell me things and they not be true, that’s just not Him at all. If Daddy says something you can take it to the bank. He eplained some things to me this morning, but deep inside I didn’t even need that. I knew it was something else, not even related. I trusted Him before He said a thing. What I do need is to discuss the deeper things on my mind ( finances, work,kids,losing weight, I see Him changing things).
CHANGING THINGS, yeah I’m lost. This is the source of stress. I need to know with all these changes what’s expected of me? Are more rules coming? More structure of how He wants things done. But then Daddy usually tells me at the right time. So, I found myself stressing and some instruction as of what He expects. I am a perfectionist so knowing how to be ‘perfect’ is what I need. I feel lost and maybe unprepared. He let me know sometimes I’ll have fair warning, sometimes I wont have any. Omg. I’m stressed. What will Daddy think if I screw up? How much trouble will I be in? What if the house isn’t perfect? What if the kids say/do the wrong thing. I need some of His time so I know how to please Him in all situations. Is He aware I’m freaking out?, see if I can think on my feet? Serve even if the circumstance is less than perfect. Was I listening to Him? Ok, so this is what I really needed to talk about, have clarified. I want Daddy to look good. That even in this new thing for us, be the slave He desires and the woman He needs me to be. I’ve never been here before. So the stress is here, cuz I know my Daddy. The planner/thinker in Him already knows when this will happen. I need His guidance.
Last night, when we were out. I kept thinking to myself ,’now what am I to do if this situation was like … or what would Daddy expect from me if this situation was like… I freaked myself out. I do that at times. But it’s a new situation. I’m verY happy with the new situation, I guess it’s learning my place, in the background. Will He allow me to be on my phone, or am I expected to keep my eyes on Him at all times. Fulfil any need He has? Ok, I need a course here. I have looked around for a live female who can ex plain this to me. I have one more resource to try but that is not a given. See, I don’t take things lightly either. I want Daddy to know I’m trying to be prepared. I might need a boy scout just to teach me how to be prepared.
What takes so long for me to figure out? Oh yeah, I’m scared to do it wrong, what will the consequences be? Is there room for few mistakes?
DADDY PLEASE HELP? Knowing my Daddy, right now He’s chuckling to Himself cuz I didn’t know how to tell Him all that was going thru my head. Daddy, I don’t want to disappoint you. I want to be so perfect that every man in the room is jealous of you, and every woman considers treating their man that way. I want my Daddy beaming with pride when they look at me, His property. That will be real pride, the one I’m striving for.
Ok, a friend asked,
“Whats the worst that could happen?”
In my mind, not pleasing Him, He be so disappointed in me that it hurts us, our relationship. He not trust me with important things ever again. That I’m left out of this, He was so ashamed of me. That would hurt so badly, I don’t think there would be any way to right that kind of wrong.
After my weekend nothing else was important to me. Well except a darn hotel reservation. Other than that, this is my every thought. I keep dreaming about it, but in my dream I do something wrong. I can’t do things wrong. Now that I’ve written it all out, I feel better not so blocked. Why is it easier to write it out than to just tell Him? I’m much more scared of Him when He’s in front of me that seems to stop me from thinking, then I can’t get the words out. I start to seem stupid. I can breathe again.
Now to hear from Daddy. I’m wondering if I made a mountain out of something small. He knows I can do that. He will say, relax. But I have no idea how to do that. Guess I’ll be learning what Daddy is ready to teach me.