So, my babygirl/middle side is out and in full force. I can’t sleep, tried to eat, nothing works. I need Daddy. Plain and simple.
For the adult in me, it was a rough week. Scary things happened tuesday, never processed them as of yet. Then I did the worst thing ever, I checked the mail. I hate mail. More bad stuff. Still not processing quickly. Is my processor broken, or just on vaca? Idk.
Yesterday was the worst day, in a long time. Some days have bad moments, I can finally let go. But this was one thing after another. To much, someone make this day stop, I want out of here. I really wanted to leave work, go home, throw my blanket over my head, hold my stuffie, yes I have one. Mr. Bear! I’m not a little, I’m a middle. I still need a stuffy. It’s almost my only one.
When I’m not processing anything I forget to ask for exactly what I need, which is: patience, lots of love, understanding, hugs, no talk. There’s nothing to talk about, yet. Still processing… I might be an adult, that’s what the world sees, but inside is the heart of a child. You wouldn’t let a child do this big world on their own would you? Lots of days, I’m good to go. I have babygirl moments, I can handle adulting. But somedays, poof, it’s just gone. I want to hide from everyone, including Daddy. Just everyone let me be. Stop acting like I need to be so strong 24/7. That is not how real babygirls are.
This is the reason I go online, my other babygirls meet there. We have fun. No one but us, no world, no stress, no problems, just be your babygirl self.
I’m in an adult relationship with Him. We have a unique dynamic. We are Master/slave, then Daddy/babygirl. I’m a babygirl with all that it implies. But I’m not a babygirl all the time.
Yesterday the world beat me up. I couldn’t get anyone to listen, no help from ppl, it went downhill fast. I feel scared right now, my safety has been compromised, I NEED to feel safe, the adult and babygirl in me. Then I lost a friend, not death, walked away. But not before yelling at me, how I saw it. But I’m a babygirl, and Daddys slave, I still stand by my position as the best one, I put Daddy first in my mind when I made a decision. I would still do it again. Daddy comes first, always. It’s not about what I want. I do practice what I talk about. Then a person who just lies, and lies, and lies, and lies. I hate it. Then also, He’s MY DADDY, so back off bitch. That’s just how I feel. Don’t like it, I don’t care.
The day ended with I really needed help.I really needed my Daddy. But I didn’t know how to say those words at all. Instead I said the wrong thing, now Daddy is mad at me. Last thing I wanted, or needed. How do I process all of this? I dont. I stuff it. The babygirl needs guidance. If I knew how to do all this on my own I wouldn’t need my Daddy. But I do. Probably more than He knows. I like depending on Him to be there. That doesn’t mean I’m helpless. Maybe clueless, needy, and clingy, just a little. I also know I don’t have all the answers, never will. That’s what Daddy is for.
Instead of making Him so mad. I wish I could go back, state it correctly so maybe I could have gotten cuddles from Him. Now I just feel sick to my stomach. I had some tears over the day, but the worst ones were over Daddy. I wish He could read my babygirl side and know instantly that I’m in a whole different world at that moment. I’m not even adulting. I don’t want to. I hate it.
For now, I’m stuck in my babygirl world. Which is not good when there’s adult stuff to do, lots to get done. But the babygirl says, “fuck it”. I push everyone to an outer distance so I can’t get hurt. Go away. The only one who doesn’t is usually Daddy. He wants me to talk. Hard to do when I can’t process, can’t focus. Not sure where to start. I need time, Daddy is gonna be busy, He already told me. So alone it is. I am stuck in babygirl world. I have good movies, Mr.Bear, and a phone. Hmm. Hoping I can’t get into trouble.I need chocolate, that always helps. No stress, no pressure, no ADULTING.no checking the mail. I need my happy place, it includes Daddy, but He’s busy. I’m understanding. But everyone else, go away, no one is allowed in my world. I will bite.
If you don’t know what littles, middles. Or babygirls are. I suggest some research. We are perfectly fine ppl. We just have a kid heart that never grows up. So a Daddy/Mommy takes care of us, it’s to different points per couple. To different extremes. It’s what you know about your little/middle/babygirl and love them anyway. There’s nothing wrong with it. But if you get into one of these relationships trying to change that person, you’re wrong. They are being who they are. I close myself off from the world, but some dont. Don’t judge. I’m not feeling bratty, just sad, lost, confused, tired, needy, teary, not comfy, alone. I’m trying to process. It was a tough week. Tuesday turned it upside down, then from there I sort of derailed.
I can feel the slave in me, but I can’t reach her right now, only babygirl. I need some sleep, but I’m not sleepy. I need something else, but what? Idk.