10 Things a Dom Needs…
By The Dominant Gentleman
The following was written in response to some “10 Things Subs Need Doms to Know” – type writings. Shared with permission. I hope you enjoy it. You might want to share it with your own subby…
My own comments will be in bold lettering. To share my own thoughts and what moves me. I do think more of us submissive types should put more thought into our doms. For all the reasons listed. Furthermore, as you read, you will be able to tell that this list weeds out true subs/slaves, from wannabes. Even this new crop of submissives that have this sense of entitlement, the lifestyle was never about, not in all my years of being involved in it. We all need to get back to basics, which starts here. I used to train and this was how I trained, for the most part.
1) Do what you’re told. Not just when you want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. If you’ve suddenly decided you’re a free agent that’s a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in your dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.
I’m guilty sometimes on this one. My Master gets busy, I have shit to do. So, asking for permission to get things done is very hard. Trying to be patient for the answer, even harder. I’ve tried just saying: “going here, going there, be back soon”. He’s not happy. As my Master I’m sure He has His reasons for being so strict. Only time it doesn’t apply is when I have an appointment, but He needed to know way beforehand, unless an emergency, then as soon as I can.
2) Keep your commitments. If me/you/we have decided on a certain protocol you’re expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If you act like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.
Asking for permission and talking out of turn (I did not ask to speak freely) I do notice when I ask to speak freely He has not refused me that request, but once. It also keeps my mind on, ‘this is my Master, my King, how would anyone treat royalty? * I’m not perfect, I do behave in human manners and get fiesty, yell, argue. I’m not perfect. I do have a temper. I can put up with a lot, that is until the storm is brewing, and pots about to boil under the surface. Beware once I’ve been pushed to my very limit. All around me feel that wrath, including my Master ( my only regret). Everyone argues and fights, sure. But I did sign up for this lifestyle and once I’ve gone to far, I am able to pinpoint that moment afterwards, then I’m very sorry. I don’t know how to stop it. But when I’m pissed I do need an outlet. I used to go shooting. That was relaxing, didn’t hurt anyone either.
3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for you and you don’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes you look kinda shallow.
I will bring up my birth sign here, I’m a libra. We are not self centered, or selfish. We are givers. To much sometimes. I don’t think my Master must cater to me. I already see Him do His 100%,which makes me do mine, plus I want to add in extra. I feel a happy dom feels appreciated. Everyone wants to feel wanted, loved. I don’t mind at all showing Him how much He’s on my mind. I love Him, so my actions should speak volumes. He should feel loved. Let Him know often that He makes you happy. Every dom needs reassurance, they are human.
4) Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether you’re poly or monogamous, every time you look at another person and say: “I’ll bet he likes them more than me.” You’re essentially saying “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that you want me like you say you do.” We are with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire we feel for you is deeply insulting.
At first, this was definitely my mantra. I had been cheated on many times, but never cheated on them. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that pain. My Master and I are sort of poly, but only for threesomes. I have asked for His help finding females, which means He needs to talk to females. So how should I get mad, He’s doing what I asked, helping us fund more females. Our first threesome did go badly cause of my headspace. I had no idea it would do that. He was very reassuring. (In the past doms I dated cheated with the person doing the threesome with us). We have been together long enough now to build trust. He’s put the time in to make sure I can see myself thru His eyes. I’m very thankful for that.
5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when you don’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take forgranted, which is why you should take your time and don’t give yourself to a Dom who’s a shithead.
Had my share of doing anything asked of me. Some things I find beneath me, degrading, or humiliating which makes it tougher for me. I’ve been there before only to actually be humiliated in front of others. But not with my current Master, the love of my life. I found out stuff He liked and I gave myself time to build up in my head that I CAN do these things for my Master. Truth be told, now I can’t even figure out why those things were such a big deal to me. He was perfect. Didn’t treat me like crap for doing those things. In fact, changing my mind, and doing them FOR Him made us closer. I would really ask yourself if there’s anything you can do that you’ve put off.
6) Own your tantrums. You have feelings, deep intense feelings, if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be a sub. I encourage you to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When you fuck up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and you say bad things, you need to accept that in the morning you’ll be held accountable for the things you said even if you didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:
This is true. I have a little bit of a temper, I try to keep things to myself, stuff them. Deal with it later. But my strategy might not be the best. I know He has plans for me after my most recent tantrum. Some things were valid, He let those go to the wayside. He wanted me back on track. I don’t blow up often, but damn when I do…I could tell I needed someone stronger than me to guide me, but my downfall is not asking for help before I blow like mount vesuvius.
7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and deescalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, YOU make the magic. You make it by catching yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (that’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you perverts).
I like this point. And to be honest since I moved and I see Him more things have changed. But I’m not good with change. Some things shouldn’t change. Like to quiet my mind before He walks thru the door I value being on my knees before Him, even in front of others. But I like it private, I like for Him to see I know whom I serve. He has had to make allowances. I just got home from work He’s already waiting for me, but inside I’m thinking, “I should be kneeled before Him”. I’m making dinner, helping the kids, hot and tired but the moment I see Him my whole body wants to kneel. Instinct for a slave. Even as I bring Him breakfast each morning. This gets very hard for me. I do use the ring He gave me as sort of a collar, I remind myself all day whom I belong to. I do have a few day collars that quiet the mind but they have locks, not good for my job. I need to kneel. But I also used to enjoy Him requesting an outfit, pony tails, restraints, play collar, but with our lives being so busy He does not ask for that. Restraints, collars, kneeling keep my mind on Him. But we have to evolve with kids always around. Living together won’t solve it, we will have to figure out what works. But a slave that hardly kneels isn’t balanced before the Master.
8) Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms don’t have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that you always have the persons own interests at heart, even when they conflict with your own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. You and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.
My point on the last one still holds true. My whole body wants to kneel. I need Him to know I desire that. Plz not in jeans my legs/knees/feet go numb, most unpleasant. Recently my Master had a delemma. He wanted to talk about it. I love that He values my opinion. I saw only one way to solve it. He let me I impressed Him. I didn’t do it to impress Him but that felt good too. We will have to wonder about the near future with something coming up. We must have a plan and know if anything happens I have the strength and knowhow to keep all things together. I do feel we have evolved as a couple, and M/s.
9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something that’s being done to you, and not with you. If you empower yourself as a co-creator of the dynamic, you’ll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, I’m a dick.
Here, some things I agree with some I dont. I do not, have never felt like leaving cuz the focus is off me. That is not the kind of person I am, being a libra we need to be fair, we’re driven by that. I will leave however if I feel anyone is cheating, or has something better to do. I should be on the list somewhere. I don’t need your whole life to be me/us. But don’t say you want that and then your actions say something else. My motto has always been, ‘I never stay where I’m not wanted’. I have had a few hurdles in my current relationship with my Master. Things I was not sure I could, or wanted to deal with. But keeping my mind on how much I love and care for Him helps me. He reminds me that the things I don’t like are not forever. That helps. It doesn’t have to be all about me, but I do need to know where it all stands. Am I safe here with you as my dominant. These are normal questions to ask. I don’t think you need to put yourself first, that is not a true submissive to me. We are supposed to serve. Ask yourself, ‘can I serve this person as my dominant?’ ‘ can I respect this person as my dominant’. Good point to remember is no one is perfect, no relationship is either, everyone is a little dysfunctional. What can you mentally, emotionally, physically do?
10) Cut us some ‘effin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold your ground when things are difficult, knowing that if you repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics you will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see you as more human, it gets harder. When she/he gets to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until you’re the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if you don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, you’re just a tall dark stranger standing there with your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jackbooted, ‘true dom’ counterparts.
This goes back to what I said earlier. Dominants are human too. And as such they need to feel loved, wanted, cherished, let them know how you feel. Yes, they doubt themselves. Sometimes you are not the easiest sub to deal with, they want to beat you cuz you gave them a lot of shit. Thank them for holding back. For treating you with love and care. For knowing how to deliver what you want. These are not easy things. If you think being a dominant is easy, think again. I have heard doms say they were a sub at one time to know how hard that role is. I can respect that. But have you the sub ever tried putting your feet in their shoes. You might want to beat you too. Especially those brats! The lifestyle is about respect, not entitlement. You are entitled to live in this world, to pay taxes, to die at your appointed time, end of your entitlement. If you think your Dom wants to hear how entitled you feel, He may release you, plz don’t be surprised. Start really reading about the lifestyle, what it was really about. Because if you identify as a sub/slave (the original titles)I never know where all the other shit came from, then you serve. That’s is, plain and simple. If you feel a pout coming on as you read that ,it’s your problem. We serve, nothing more, nothing less. If He’s the right dominant for you, then serve Him well so He feels appreciated. It will not go unnoticed.
The point here is that the big “D” takes more than you think and there are going to be days, even weeks when we’re not going to be able to pull it off. I can tell you from experience that nothing means more to a Dom than when you still keep your rituals even through the thin times. Holding that space shows your strength, and you can take tremendous pride in serving with poise where your vanilla counterpart might be nagging and whining. With your devotion you pull us back like a compass, beckoning towards whats’ truly important, this secret journey of trust and growth that we are both on together.
I most definitely agree with this last statement. It is hard work. My Master is a busy man, but rather than remind Him that I’m lonely, or wanting my way. I try to serve. Sometimes serving is just a small text so He knows I am thinking about Him. He does that for me. Bringing Him breakfast. Helping Him in small ways. Reminding Him, ‘I’ve got your back so the world can’t hurt you’. He does that for me. When He’s super tired let Him know you would rather He rest and see you soon. Of course I want to see Him, hold Him, kiss Him. But He has a plan for ‘our’ lives together. So backing Him up is what He needs. My Master is a biker as well, so I know His club depends on Him. I knew the strength ,on my part, it would take. Do I always love it? No, but He makes up for it later! We are still working together! We still communicate. He trusts ne, like I trust Him. I do have my bad days, so does He. For some reason mine are way more painful than His.lol
Take care of this person you call your dominant. Feed them, water them, even after midnight! Do for them. Serve them. They know you aren’t perfect, but human. We do however, live a lifestyle within our real relationship, unlike vanillas. I felt like this was important to hit on since many subs in groups do not seem to understand these points. Good luck on your submissive journey. Plz don’t think I have all the answers, I dont. I just have lots of years here. I’m not happy with all the changes in the lifestyle. It should get back to basics, not all this bullshit,all these new titles.