Permission to redo your list my Master  

As I was having time with my most precious Master on Friday, I was clearly dealing with to much at one time. He noticed. He was trying to set me up to change how I normally process the junk from the week. I see that now. He wants only the best for me, He sees my weakness and is trying to set me up for better. Thank you Master

I needed some quiet time and reflection. I knew He gave me a task to do on Friday.  Love Him so much so I pushed it up to the top of my list. I thought quickly so as to get it done fast. I had much to do in only a weekend. At this moment I got lots done, but not all. 

I heard what He said, but I don’t think I really listened to His words. He has been most upset with His slave. I did not try to push Him, nor do anything disrespectful,  but my actions came across that way. I could have taken more time with the list my Master asked for. I could have asked for clarification,  but I sadly did not. I could have stopped everything I was doing asked Him to give me another chance to do this right, but again, sadly I did not. I’m still trying to control things around me. 

My most precious and wonderful Master how do I thank you for trying to show your slave a way to change, you see the bigger picture as always my King. I can only ask that I have a way to please redo what you have asked of me, if you allow your most humble slave to redo the list that is most important Sir, may I please ask for clarification  as well, so this time I may please you, give up all control over my life that I place in your most capable hands Sir. I love you and adore you. I do want to be the best slave I can be, i can only leave this before you now.  I know the love you have for me, I can feel it. Which is why you were trying to show me and tell me something quite important Sir. I hear you now. Thank you for the unconditional love you show this slave. 

With my whole heart my Master, I’m sorry

– your slave

‘Relax’ in dominant speak, actually means:

So, life handed me lemons. A basketful, but when did I ask for lemons. And why can’t life just send a nice brownie basket, I like chocolate way better than lemons. So fuck You! Next time I find out that life is down and having a tough time I’m gonna give that mother fucker a big pile of dog shit,  let’s see life do something with that.

 Life has given me some hard stuff to do right now. I’m a bit lost. The one thing that is different right now ,for the first time ever, I’m not alone. I have no answers, no control,  but definitely not alone. That does feel good. There’s only one reason I kept a bit of control was so Daddy didn’t feel like His life and my life together were just to much for one person to handle. At least that’s what I tell myself. Recently He’s been trying to take the bits of control I keep so tight in my hand. He’s bigger than me, stronger than me, so I guess I’m not gonna win this part either. As long as I can remember I’ve done this alone. My usual thing when I get to this point is to push everyone away, yell at my peeps cuz I’m stressed and only have lemons. But then it hits me , ‘I’ve got lemons!’ it’s drinking time. But I am pretty sure these things will not be happening anymore. 

I’m really at a crossroads. I need guidance, I need to be quiet so I can listen. I need support. I need to know the plan, wait… i don’t have one. I feel as I’ve already lost the last little bit of control in the world that I hung onto. How did He even know I kept this teeny, tiny bit for myself? I can feel Him all around me, swooping in to pick up the last shred that’s about to leave my hands, it was the last piece He needed of me. How can He do that, doesn’t He need me to have some control, to be in control, to help in the control of things?

I am usually careful to not use that word near Him, control… last night I swear it just passed through my lips without any hesitation. Master, I’ve felt I’m losing all control of things in my life. How I think He feels about this:

I felt like He perked right up, listened intently. He loves That I have lost all control, what dominant doesn’t. I feel as He’s been patient, waiting for this final moment. That I have no answers without Him. That I’m lost without Him. I don’t think He’s happy that life is hard for me right now, He always wants me happy. But I do think He loves that I must admit to Him and myself that I must take a step back, fall to my knees before Him, as I can go no further on my own. I’m at the weakest point again, for me. I just don’t want to  fall apart just to find my strength,  yet this time I will find His instead,  waiting for me to wear His strength all around me. Sheath myself in Him alone. Think as He wants me to think. Move from this crossroads as He depicts the step and purpose. This is most scary and adventurous for me. As anytime I’ve been at this point with anyone in the past they have failed me. I don’t see my previous Master failing. 

As I kneel before Him now, waiting for Him to give direction, I feel empowered, but not of my own strength, I have none.  I can feel Him, as He permeates every inch of what is His property. I have no doubt that He is picking up all the control I’m losing. I know He won’t be giving it back unless there would be some purpose for me to have it. He has waited most patiently for this moment. Not to harm me, but to rightfully claim what is His. I am. I am His. I was His in body and soul, the moment He held out His hand to me I have those away to Him, but I held onto my mind. I felt I could hide this from Him, that He somehow needed my help . He has waited most patiently. He did not dig a hole for me to fall in, He did not trap me , nor entice me to give in. No, He did better… He sat there patiently waiting for my time to end. He seemed to know I had a time limit on handling things. How did He know? 

This is the one thing He keeps repeating. Just relax. I keep tearing up, He says relax. I keep feeling like I can’t breathe, He says relax. I keep trying to figure out how to make all these decisions, He just keeps saying relax. So I’m thinking that dominants have a language all there own, and that Relax actually means: 

  • Give up control to all that troubles you, I can be trusted that I’ve got this. This is you and me together, but only one of us will be in control and babygirl it’s not you. I’ve never needed your help. Babygirl as your Daddy I’m more than capable of holding all this together, so let me do my job as the leader, as the dominant, as Your Master, your Daddy. We are in this together,  but you just lost all control, now you must listen to my words. Wait for My direction. Enjoy our lives together but only on my terms. you are most loved and treasured, but time has come and you need to just ‘relax’ and do only your part in this which is to be my slave, my babygirl forever. Daddy loves you, Daddy has been patient.  Now listen to me, as I decide where life takes us. No more trying to control anything in our lives. You did lose all control, you’re not getting any back. 

    Wow, what a man! For the first time I’m ok as He pushes me out of my comfort zone. As I know He has my hand. I know He’s not going anywhere. I won’t feel lost anymore.

    Thank you Daddy♡

    He left me breathless

    We were watching a show, one we both laugh at. In a short time span twice someone  asked someone to get married.  We were relaxing after a rough, hotter than hell day. 

    Daddy looked at me and said, “whether you like it or not I’ll be asking you”. I was about to say , “Ask me what?” Just to be facetious,  but this was a real and honest moment, no joking was ok. He’s seriously wanting me to hear Him. I get that I need to process this. I need Girl time! 

    My first reaction, i started thinking, “wait, how do you know i can make you happy, be all you need me to be, serve you always?  Are you sure I’ll make a good wife? What if my looks fade, as with age they may? What if i put on lots of weight?  What if … what if… ” 

    So, it’s girl time!  I did ask my girlfriend why He even spoiled such a surprise? She giggled, “honey, He didn’t! He just knows you process so gd slow ,He’s wanting you to get there . So when He does ask ,you’ll be surprised, and have it processed.” “But, I feel a bit overwhelmed, did He even think about all 7 people this affects?” She giggled again, “girly, you have a very smart Daddy. He never makes a move or any decision without really thinking about it. He does nothing lightly, not even this? ” “Really?” She smiles at me, ” sweetie, you tell me this stuff all the time. In fact you never shut up about Him”. ” I don’t? , Did I tell you the sweetest things He said to me…” she smiles and listens intently to another story about my Daddy. Ok, I guess I do always talk about Him. I’ve never had anyone to talk about before! 

    It hit me, I’m out of reasons to push this subject away. He’s seen me in the morning, dealt with my morning breath, knows I’m grumpy if i get to tired, handles the brat in me just fine. He knows I don’t like to cook. Knows I will obey Him, even reluctantly sometimes, knows I want to shop more than anything!, knows I love with everything in me, He knows I don’t like gifts or surprises but that doesn’t stop Him. He knows I say I don’t like holidays, but love watching the kids have a great time. He knows I wish I could give Him a son/daughter but it won’t ever happen. He knows those days when I just want to slip the covers back over my head and stay in bed- He won’t let me, He knows I am like a child, but I’m smart and curious,  He knows I have my blonde moments and He laughs while holding me. He just knows all this stuff and yet He still wants to make me His wife. He’s crazy, but I love that man.  Then I have to change all my ID just to drop 2 letters. We nearly have the same last name .

    Yes, the very thought leaves me breathless. To be all His. To be His slave, His babygirl. To be His wife, wow that’s quite a thought, just typing it left me breathless. 

    A moment of grace

    3 moments most grateful for

    My life has never been easy, but never feel sorry for me. I might share someday, but for now I don’t see the need to do that. But someone I know did ask me to tell about my 3 most grateful moments…And here they are
    1. The birth of my children. Even losing one, I still count myself lucky that I got to be his mom. The 3 that survived I love them so much, they have no idea! I used to do dates with each individual kid, let that one know they were, ‘my favorite’ , i figured they’d never catch on, as I did it to all of them, they found out!but I just wanted them know how very special they are to me, each has a secret place in my heart. As my heart makes room for 2 new favorite people♡! Yes, I’m so grateful for these 5 people. 
    2. That it never worked out with anyone I dated before Daddy. Not even in marriage, not even through having children. I’m so grateful to not be in a dead end relationship anymore.
    3. That I have the ‘man of my dreams’! I get my fairytale ending♡ And we live happily ever after. I’m so grateful to be in this relationship, happy just doesn’t describe it well enough.  Ecstatic? Close, but it’s more than that. It’s simple, there are no words that can humanly define what we have, or how I feel. 

    7 of us is enough! Lol

    The way He loves me

    Yes, another post about Him! How He loves me, but a little different. I personally feel that men in this world need their woman to actually give them a list of the things they do, so each man can see for himself that she really does notice Him and His efforts.  That each man know that His woman count herself blessed, be grateful, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is loved, the family has a real leader.  

    I’m at that point with Him now that we have talked recently about Him as the leader once we are together. Can the kids respect and appreciate Him? It all starts with me. Do I see Him as the leader? The head person over me, our family as it comes together?  I do. So my children will fall in line since they know that He is a real man, who can lead this family. My kids now know if they choose not to fall in line, they can go make arrangements with the other parent. I will always love and support them,  they will always be a part of my life, but I refuse to let my life be dictated to me, by my children. I’m allowed happiness too.

    He has shown all of us what love really is. We had never seen love in action before, not from the head of household. When my son changed jobs recently , his own father didn’t support him. But my Daddy handed him a gift card and told him to go buy himself some tools. None of us know what to do with Daddy since we have never had anyone in our lives like him.

    My daughter adores him, she has needed direction for a long time. I’ll admit I lost the war with this one, but not easily I didn’t want to give up, I haven’t totally. But Daddy sees where I could do better. He has seen my daughter at a very weak point, something shocked her enough to tears, Daddy tried to console her. The only thing my daughter has ever known is violence from my ex, my daughter actually saved my life one day. Then some days she will tell Daddy off, i want to yell at her, but Daddy stops me. He will let her talk,  she has stuff she needs to say and He just listens. He answers her back with such sweet words I don’t think she deserves, but he feels her pain that her dad and my ex have caused. This kid just wants a dad and she picked him. ‘Pops’ as she calls Him.  My daughter misplaces lots of things, her allowance has been on the list many times. We are all used to it. She let me know that He tried to give her a second allowance so I would not be mad at her any longer. I was glad She didn’t let Him bail her out, she did get quiet as she told me. She has never had anyone care about her besides me, her whole life( Her Whole 15 yr Life). He even bought her chopsticks cause she loves them, she eats everything with them from fruit, to burritos,  and more. The thought never crossed my mind to buy her good ones, I don’t know why. 

    My middle son has brain damage from birth, autism, and about 16 other diagnoses. I have always been afraid that I’ll lose him, cuz I have already lost one child. I can’t handle the thought of losing another, but babying him hasn’t helped. Daddy did talk about this a few times with me. It’s not easy when it comes to this child. Especially since he’s almost died on 3 different occasions, well actually the other 2 kids have almost died on me as well. My daughter has Epilepsy and has been dead and I revived her. But my middle son I can’t let go of. I know Daddy sees this, I’m sure He has thoughts and ideas of how to help me. I will need all the help and guidance with this. 

    How He loves me. He knows how much I’ve been hurt, physically, emotionally, spiritually by many. He’s a most patient man with me. He surprises me, the way He just knows when to push me hard, and when to handle me with kitt gloves. I’ve never been treated so well, or loved like this. This is a journey for all of us. 

    The thought that races through my head, ‘ What did I do to deserve Him’. I don’t ever see the answer, so i just stay grateful. Why am I so excited to live with Him? Because I feel as if I’ve found my other half, my one true love! And I want to start my forever with Him, NOW! Wake up next to Him, some days I swear I’m just dreaming, life can’t really be this wonderful, can It? But reality hits, it’s really happening! We have plans!

    I felt so high yesterday, high AF! My thoughts were so very clear. I love my life, learning to love myself , all because of Him♡

    A Dominants imperfect side. Love them anyway 

    ​The Imperfect Dominants’ Charter

    • I will fuck up, more than once. On at least one of those occasions, you will suffer because of it.
    • I will not always be good enough, or strong enough, or wise enough.
    • I won’t treat you as you deserve to be treated all the time. I will have bad days and that will affect how I am with you.
    • I will give in to my emotions sometimes, and you will see me in a light that you may not want to as a result.
    • Sometimes, the dynamic that we have worked so hard to create will be the last thing on Earth I want to think about.
    • I will misread you, and misunderstand you.
    • I won’t always know what you are feeling, even if you tell me. My responses to that will be incorrect, and will make things worse.
    • My life will get in the way of our relationship, and what we want from each other. I will not always handle this as well as I could.
    • I will depend on you, and I will need you to guide me sometimes.
    • I will ask you to make decisions when you want me to make them, because I am not able to do so at that time.
    • I will not always give you as much attention as you need. And I won’t realize that I have done this.
    • I will lose my patience with you sometimes.
    • I will not always be able to give you what you want, now or in the future.
    • I will suffer from jealousy and insecurity. And you will suffer from my jealousy and insecurity in turn.
    • I will not always deserve you, nor understand what you see in me.
    • Just as you crave my attention, sometimes I will crave for you to leave me alone.
    • I will not always communicate with you as well as I should. I will want to keep things to myself that I shouldn’t, and some of the things I do share with you, I will do so in an unhelpful way.
    • There will be times when I am happy when you aren’t, and resent that you don’t match my mood. There will be times when I am unhappy when you aren’t, and resent that you don’t match my mood.
    • I will feel guilty about what you give me, and inadequate about what I give to you.
    • I won’t always like you, nor you always like me.
    • We will argue and disagree, and we won’t always handle this like adults.
    • I will forget things, important things that matter to you, and will need to be reminded of them.
    • I will struggle with my own rules.
    • I will sometimes be unable to take control of myself, let alone another.
    • I will sometimes resent the responsibility our relationship places on me.
    But most importantly:
    • I will accept that while neither of us want any of the above to happen, sooner or later it will. And while I will always be at my best when trying to be the perfect Dominant, I will get closest to that by accepting that I am not.
    Author Unknown
    This is a most beautiful and honest writing. As I said love your dominant anyway, for they love us with such strength through all the good and bad. This  lifestyle is not easy, but always worth It!
    Love you Daddy♡

    Chillin and relaxin 

    Ahh, I felt great for a while! Woke up super early feeling the same,  but the crash is coming in hot. I feel me coming back in. I hate that. I need more of that stuff. No thinking, no feeling, just being in the moment. Damn, that was Good!

    Once I felt like me again, it was as if the flood gates were opened and here came this wave of conflict to inhabit my body again, fucker.  I needed the break , if only for a while, I knew it would be gone. 

    The first thoughts to come back into my brain, were quite unhappy,  and damaging. It was all about my body. I’m getting ready for work and all I can concentrate on are the thoughts swirling in my brain. “God your fat,  you’re so disgusting. Why does He call YOU beautiful, Tomorrow you have to be near ppl who think you look awful, you’re ex was right all those years – you so look so gross no one wants to touch you. You think you’re a good slave?” All the things He probably rather I Not think. I don’t think He’s lied to me, but has showed me His perspective. 

     I’m putting make up on, My thoughts go to, “Why waste the makeup, it’s not helping”.

    I get dressed, my thoughts are; ” you are such a loser, tried the gym couldn’t lose anything, what a waste of time,you’re still trying… ready to give up yet, cuz this is it. The best you’ll ever be. 

    It hits me that if i actually said this shit to anyone, but myself, no one would want to come near me. Hell, in that moment I didn’t want to be near me. 

    So, more thoughts coming in. Wow this sucks. “There must be a reason that your job is not good, are you even close to your kids or just fooling yourself. No wonder you will open up your relationship, He deserves better, hotter. A woman who can reach her goals, maybe wants more than just sex. But you do strive for the bare minimum, you achieved that!”

    I never realized just how much I don’t like me. How much self sabotage is within me. I don’t feel good enough. I have approached every guy, except Him, with the idea of ‘I’m just here til you find the right girl, so let’s not get attached’. I do realize I used to have that mentality with Him, I stopped it months after being together. That doesn’t mean I’ve been kind to myself. My thoughts when I’m with Him, “Why me? Wth do you see in me? I want to see me how you see me! Why do you keep calling me beautiful?” I know this won’t make Him happy to read, but I woke up feeling it’s time for a change. I don’t know how to get there, which is the purpose of saying it here, He knows! I know He knows. He knows I know that He knows! 

    I do know men. I don’t know one man who doesn’t just have a need to ‘tap that ass’. Not just mine. Can I really let Him off my hook, so He can go play in another yard? He has gone to great lengths to show me it’s ok to feel secure. But I need this is in my time, not His, so I hope He will give me that. I just want some time that’s just mine. No old girlfriends, no exes, no hot chick that feels she needs His attention. it’s just me and Him. I feel I deserve it. I’ve never had that. I have actually never been with anyone who just wanted to be with me. Human nature tells us men can pick a partner, but they have this urge for more. I will go back as far as it’s documented. The bible, even godly men had more than one wife, had concubines (service slaves). I don’t want a house full of them. Been there, done that. No thx.  I personally know what I can live with and what I cant.  He and I, when I’m ready, will need a lengthy discussion. Maybe even a contract on this one, something not in concrete, can be reprised if one or both parties are unhappy. Can be easily dissolved if no longer needed. I figure between age and my fucked  up thinking this is necessary.  I also need to know why ones exes texting one of us is ok, but for the other it’s not ok. Hmm, sounds a bit upside down. Guess He will need to clarify, cuz I’m confused, not overly happy about this.

    I did notice I’m feeling much more comfortable, I can’t quite figure out what changed?? But I can’t stop talking to Him. That’s different,  I don’t usually talk. Damn near every guy I’ve dated can be quoted as saying, “will you ever talk to me?”  I never had a reason to talk. But someone opened the floodgates! Will He be sorry He ever wanted me to talk? Hope not, cuz all of a sudden I’ve got lots to say. 

    There is so much to say. Like the things I think about constantly swirling through my brain. Maybe talking will be good for me? Maybe I will go back to being quiet, not really needing to say anything. Since when do slaves talk? Maybe that’s what I don’t get? He wants me to talk, has worked hard to get me to talk. But no one else ever let me talk, wanted to hear my opinions, my thoughts. I’ve never had a long talk with a man. Maybe my real dad, but he never listened. That’s what I’m used to. Wow, this man in my life is full of surprises!  How did He get me to talk? What’s next??? I hope it’s not cooking, I’d rather do laundry!