Miss independent no more

I must say I’ve learned a lot in my life, how to be independent is one of those things. Whether married or not I was still me, independent.  Life taught me that I could count on one person, and that person was me. 

But I noticed a new phase of my life opening up. I was talking to my oldest child recently and even he said he noticed. He said he could tell I have let my walls down and let my Daddy fully in my life. I was excited about that, that someone else could see it without me telling them. I knew it and I am scared but so happy to finally let someone in. 

I thought I was hurt beyond repair, that no one would get through my walls, the moat,  poisonous snakes, guard dogs… well you get it. Would anyone ever have the patience to help me let them in. I’m so thankful for my Daddy, He is a patient man, He shows me so much tenderness , love, respect,and care. I know I will never be loved  by anyone in this world, like my Daddy. 

Here’s why, this mere man has  such strength, He noticed how hurt I’ve been and approached me slowly, gave me time to feel safe so I could prepare to let Him in. He waited patiently for me to come to Him with my life and lay it before Him, He has let me take baby steps to get to Him. I’m sure some days He might want it to go faster, but He’s actually told me that my slow ways are good for Him too. I wasn’t trying to be impossible, i was trying to understand that He wasnt going to bail on me emotionally/ physically.  That I didn’t have to be fearful of more pain(abuse). Not the Good kind, or His discipline.lol 

What I’ve learned is this. I was barely living before Him. Yes, I was independent, but I wasn’t balanced in my life. I took that as He wanted to hurt me by showing my weak areas. Now, I welcome that. As I know He has my best interest at heart. He knows I’ve struggled with losing weight, drinking, worrying , I’ve got areas that I’m weak in. Not that I’m so fat, I’m chunky, but not happy. I noticed I want to just give up and realize I don’t see the weight changing much no matter what I’ve done, but I didn’t give 100%, and He knows it.  but His job is to not let me put things in the back burner, He makes me face it. He will let me handle things, but give advice not criticize.  He doesn’t let me give up on myself, Lord knows I’ve waited for Him to put me down, He’s not done that once. It feels so good. How much He loves me! I guess He could tell I’m fragile in a few areas. 

As we’ve grown together I’ve learned so much, even that I can count on Him. That feels great! I was able to not be so independent anymore and give Him more control, that took trust. He is so worth that. I like knowing I don’t have to have all the answers, there is someone else there who can help. The pressure that it takes off my shoulders to know that. It took a while for that to sink in, only because both exes before Daddy were nothing like that. I was always in charge. They taught me not to trust, not to let anyone in because no one really cared, or wanted in. But Daddy taught me different lessons. Ones that have helped me. 

So where am i at now: well I’m not independent,  and damn that feels good. I can still do my life, take care of things, but there’s  someone I answer to, Daddy. For about close to a year He’s talked about living together. I think He starts early with me so I can get things through my head, really get used to the idea. I’m finally ready, still patient in the When, but with Daddy I’ve noticed He is always does things in my perfect timing. So it’s just knowing that it’s happening. I did figure since I’ve finally gotten on board maybe looking at home stores would be a good idea. How do we want to decorate! Daddy says we can go look, yay! 

Where am i on the future: I was lost. But Daddy told me His plans, honestly they matched mine , I just didn’t want to sound stupid and assume He would like my idea. I’m glad He spoke first. Some days I swear He’s a bit of a mind reader. Either that, or He knows me so well by now that He gets what I can/can’t handle. I also felt I screwed up at marriage before. Everyone in my family has been divorced. I don’t know what a healthy relationship/ marriage looks like. I’m not against learning. Just show me the way.  I want Daddy in my life forever. As I was talking to my son I realized I’m so attached and invested to my Daddy I can’t handle the thought of Him not being in my life. I nearly hyperventilated. The other side of this is that I finally get to be the slave of someone I fully love/loves me. I get to live how ive always imagined. Nothing feels better than that. I want to serve, take care of Daddy. I was born to do that. Its fulfills me. I have purpose. I’m not alone anymore. The kids are great, but reality is kids will grow up and move on with their lives, with 1 being an exception,  we will see what happens with him, Daddy is my family now. I don’t have anyone else. I don’t need anyone else. I got some friends. I’m actually quite happy now. My life has a path. I feel secure, safe with Daddy. 

Happiness is- My life♡

Thank you Daddy 
-babygirl

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s