Chillin and relaxin 

Ahh, I felt great for a while! Woke up super early feeling the same,  but the crash is coming in hot. I feel me coming back in. I hate that. I need more of that stuff. No thinking, no feeling, just being in the moment. Damn, that was Good!

Once I felt like me again, it was as if the flood gates were opened and here came this wave of conflict to inhabit my body again, fucker.  I needed the break , if only for a while, I knew it would be gone. 

The first thoughts to come back into my brain, were quite unhappy,  and damaging. It was all about my body. I’m getting ready for work and all I can concentrate on are the thoughts swirling in my brain. “God your fat,  you’re so disgusting. Why does He call YOU beautiful, Tomorrow you have to be near ppl who think you look awful, you’re ex was right all those years – you so look so gross no one wants to touch you. You think you’re a good slave?” All the things He probably rather I Not think. I don’t think He’s lied to me, but has showed me His perspective. 

 I’m putting make up on, My thoughts go to, “Why waste the makeup, it’s not helping”.

I get dressed, my thoughts are; ” you are such a loser, tried the gym couldn’t lose anything, what a waste of time,you’re still trying… ready to give up yet, cuz this is it. The best you’ll ever be. 

It hits me that if i actually said this shit to anyone, but myself, no one would want to come near me. Hell, in that moment I didn’t want to be near me. 

So, more thoughts coming in. Wow this sucks. “There must be a reason that your job is not good, are you even close to your kids or just fooling yourself. No wonder you will open up your relationship, He deserves better, hotter. A woman who can reach her goals, maybe wants more than just sex. But you do strive for the bare minimum, you achieved that!”

I never realized just how much I don’t like me. How much self sabotage is within me. I don’t feel good enough. I have approached every guy, except Him, with the idea of ‘I’m just here til you find the right girl, so let’s not get attached’. I do realize I used to have that mentality with Him, I stopped it months after being together. That doesn’t mean I’ve been kind to myself. My thoughts when I’m with Him, “Why me? Wth do you see in me? I want to see me how you see me! Why do you keep calling me beautiful?” I know this won’t make Him happy to read, but I woke up feeling it’s time for a change. I don’t know how to get there, which is the purpose of saying it here, He knows! I know He knows. He knows I know that He knows! 

I do know men. I don’t know one man who doesn’t just have a need to ‘tap that ass’. Not just mine. Can I really let Him off my hook, so He can go play in another yard? He has gone to great lengths to show me it’s ok to feel secure. But I need this is in my time, not His, so I hope He will give me that. I just want some time that’s just mine. No old girlfriends, no exes, no hot chick that feels she needs His attention. it’s just me and Him. I feel I deserve it. I’ve never had that. I have actually never been with anyone who just wanted to be with me. Human nature tells us men can pick a partner, but they have this urge for more. I will go back as far as it’s documented. The bible, even godly men had more than one wife, had concubines (service slaves). I don’t want a house full of them. Been there, done that. No thx.  I personally know what I can live with and what I cant.  He and I, when I’m ready, will need a lengthy discussion. Maybe even a contract on this one, something not in concrete, can be reprised if one or both parties are unhappy. Can be easily dissolved if no longer needed. I figure between age and my fucked  up thinking this is necessary.  I also need to know why ones exes texting one of us is ok, but for the other it’s not ok. Hmm, sounds a bit upside down. Guess He will need to clarify, cuz I’m confused, not overly happy about this.

I did notice I’m feeling much more comfortable, I can’t quite figure out what changed?? But I can’t stop talking to Him. That’s different,  I don’t usually talk. Damn near every guy I’ve dated can be quoted as saying, “will you ever talk to me?”  I never had a reason to talk. But someone opened the floodgates! Will He be sorry He ever wanted me to talk? Hope not, cuz all of a sudden I’ve got lots to say. 

There is so much to say. Like the things I think about constantly swirling through my brain. Maybe talking will be good for me? Maybe I will go back to being quiet, not really needing to say anything. Since when do slaves talk? Maybe that’s what I don’t get? He wants me to talk, has worked hard to get me to talk. But no one else ever let me talk, wanted to hear my opinions, my thoughts. I’ve never had a long talk with a man. Maybe my real dad, but he never listened. That’s what I’m used to. Wow, this man in my life is full of surprises!  How did He get me to talk? What’s next??? I hope it’s not cooking, I’d rather do laundry! 

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