So, life handed me lemons. A basketful, but when did I ask for lemons. And why can’t life just send a nice brownie basket, I like chocolate way better than lemons. So fuck You! Next time I find out that life is down and having a tough time I’m gonna give that mother fucker a big pile of dog shit, let’s see life do something with that.
Life has given me some hard stuff to do right now. I’m a bit lost. The one thing that is different right now ,for the first time ever, I’m not alone. I have no answers, no control, but definitely not alone. That does feel good. There’s only one reason I kept a bit of control was so Daddy didn’t feel like His life and my life together were just to much for one person to handle. At least that’s what I tell myself. Recently He’s been trying to take the bits of control I keep so tight in my hand. He’s bigger than me, stronger than me, so I guess I’m not gonna win this part either. As long as I can remember I’ve done this alone. My usual thing when I get to this point is to push everyone away, yell at my peeps cuz I’m stressed and only have lemons. But then it hits me , ‘I’ve got lemons!’ it’s drinking time. But I am pretty sure these things will not be happening anymore.
I’m really at a crossroads. I need guidance, I need to be quiet so I can listen. I need support. I need to know the plan, wait… i don’t have one. I feel as I’ve already lost the last little bit of control in the world that I hung onto. How did He even know I kept this teeny, tiny bit for myself? I can feel Him all around me, swooping in to pick up the last shred that’s about to leave my hands, it was the last piece He needed of me. How can He do that, doesn’t He need me to have some control, to be in control, to help in the control of things?
I am usually careful to not use that word near Him, control… last night I swear it just passed through my lips without any hesitation. Master, I’ve felt I’m losing all control of things in my life. How I think He feels about this:
I felt like He perked right up, listened intently. He loves That I have lost all control, what dominant doesn’t. I feel as He’s been patient, waiting for this final moment. That I have no answers without Him. That I’m lost without Him. I don’t think He’s happy that life is hard for me right now, He always wants me happy. But I do think He loves that I must admit to Him and myself that I must take a step back, fall to my knees before Him, as I can go no further on my own. I’m at the weakest point again, for me. I just don’t want to fall apart just to find my strength, yet this time I will find His instead, waiting for me to wear His strength all around me. Sheath myself in Him alone. Think as He wants me to think. Move from this crossroads as He depicts the step and purpose. This is most scary and adventurous for me. As anytime I’ve been at this point with anyone in the past they have failed me. I don’t see my previous Master failing.
As I kneel before Him now, waiting for Him to give direction, I feel empowered, but not of my own strength, I have none. I can feel Him, as He permeates every inch of what is His property. I have no doubt that He is picking up all the control I’m losing. I know He won’t be giving it back unless there would be some purpose for me to have it. He has waited most patiently for this moment. Not to harm me, but to rightfully claim what is His. I am. I am His. I was His in body and soul, the moment He held out His hand to me I have those away to Him, but I held onto my mind. I felt I could hide this from Him, that He somehow needed my help . He has waited most patiently. He did not dig a hole for me to fall in, He did not trap me , nor entice me to give in. No, He did better… He sat there patiently waiting for my time to end. He seemed to know I had a time limit on handling things. How did He know?
This is the one thing He keeps repeating. Just relax. I keep tearing up, He says relax. I keep feeling like I can’t breathe, He says relax. I keep trying to figure out how to make all these decisions, He just keeps saying relax. So I’m thinking that dominants have a language all there own, and that Relax actually means:
- Give up control to all that troubles you, I can be trusted that I’ve got this. This is you and me together, but only one of us will be in control and babygirl it’s not you. I’ve never needed your help. Babygirl as your Daddy I’m more than capable of holding all this together, so let me do my job as the leader, as the dominant, as Your Master, your Daddy. We are in this together, but you just lost all control, now you must listen to my words. Wait for My direction. Enjoy our lives together but only on my terms. you are most loved and treasured, but time has come and you need to just ‘relax’ and do only your part in this which is to be my slave, my babygirl forever. Daddy loves you, Daddy has been patient. Now listen to me, as I decide where life takes us. No more trying to control anything in our lives. You did lose all control, you’re not getting any back.
Wow, what a man! For the first time I’m ok as He pushes me out of my comfort zone. As I know He has my hand. I know He’s not going anywhere. I won’t feel lost anymore.