I was never sure til it felt that the last moment was upon me.
Yesterday, was quite a day. Everything went horribly wrong. As I laid on my couch to come up with a plan I felt worked for me. It would be tough on my part, but when life is ready to kick my ass to the curb, I was fighting mad but ready to break. I know my Daddy loves me , He was hoping for a solution as well. I couldn’t see a light at the end of this tunnel, but He never left me alone. I know I’m strong, but this was my final moments to figure out how to do this.
I knew my Daddy could not move me into His home, He has 2 roommates , there’s no room. Plus I don’t expect Him to save me. I know we always said the kids come first, His daughter should be His priority over me. I expect that from Him. So, as I thought and thought. I figured I could pay rent one more month, hope my son and my Daddy could care for the kids, cuz I couldn’t pay my fine too. If I didn’t have it by October 3rd, I found out it would be 30 days in jail. I would just give Daddy my bank card ask Him to plz care for the kids food and utilities, there should be enough.
I knew if I was in jail, I would definitely lose my special needs son, and couldn’t get him back. The thought made me cry. My son didn’t want to go, He wanted his mom. I always knew as He got older this would happen, but not yet. I was hoping Daddy would take my daughter in, maybe my son too. They have all bonded , but if he said no, He just couldn’t then I’d have to ask my bff. I can’t lose her to my ex, don’t to lose either really, plz protect her at all costs. I thought about hiding her, and I knew I have more jail time for that. Not an option. Daddy had no idea why I’ve been so jumpy lately, why I can’t sleep, can’t eat, and not sure of how to help Daddy understand what I was going thru, without actually telling Him all this. Would He stay after This? Would He be mad that I didn’t discuss all this with Him? Probably, but I knew his ex was fighting with him a lot more. He is so stressed out from His own life. Then He has this other business in His life and the danger had picked up. I knew He didn’t need one more thing. I always know He lives me though.
As I had no answers for any of this. I was just hoping for the best. I do want to live with my Daddy, but not out of desperation, because we made a choice together when it was right! I love my kids, they are my life, but I had told Daddy they mean the world to me, He knew they did, but I could only hope He would hold onto my daughter for me. Make it seem to my ex as everything was fine.
I wondered how I got to this point? How did everything go so wrong, so fast. I didn’t know. But I knew my blood pressure was way up, I had to have surgery before life changed, and I would have to make the best of this, however that would look.
I couldn’t live with other bff, she gets married soon. And my best bff is getting married to. So, I would not intrude on their lives. But find a place for all my kids, do my 30 days, and sort of disappear til I could figure it all out. Make sense of my world again. Would Daddy agree, probably not. But He has so much on His mind, how could He deal with more? I couldn’t let Him, I love Him to much. I know He loves me, He makes that clear.
I hoped He would take my daughter, take my money that does come in, take care of what He can, and breathe. He is the best man I know in this world! He deserves to know that He’s one of a kind.
So, the miracle part has come. There is this man in my life that never let me go through this stuff alone, I call Him Daddy! And my bff, Chanse, is helping me so I don’t lose my kids. I never saw either of these people able to help me. But they didn’t bail on me either.
Daddy trying to make plans for us, and all I could think was how much I love Him, but I’d be in jail by then. I knew He would be ok, He’s one tough man, all the stuff He’s been through, it didn’t break Him. I am so lucky!
Maybe miracles can and do happen, even if you don’t know how to believe in anything. I needed one, and it’s coming! I get to keep my kids! I will have a place to Live! Thx to Chanse and her Dom. Last but never least, I get to see my Daddy, the love of my life each day! I still need surgery and to lower my blood pressure, but I see my future! I also feel after sharing all this Daddy may have a lecture for me, and possibly more, but I know He loves me!