A deep seeded need for bdsm…

There are many reasons to enter our way of life,  but not everyone stays and calls it a lifestyle. Some feel a deep seeded need of not belonging to the ‘vanilla’ world in which we are all born into.  We have these desires of dark and twisted things. The need to be overpowered, taken against our will. The need to spank,tie up, or use another human being for our dark desires. We are the freaks, but that’s what the world would have us believe. But are we?  

I don’t know about you, I can only speak for myself. But I had this feeling of not belonging since I was young. At 6 yrs old I was raped repeatedly by 2 grown men. At 8 yrs old wound up in a foster home for over a year, I was beat daily from top to bottom. Once my mom got me back I was put in a situation of having a step father,  and by age 11 he was treating me like his girlfriend. My whole life sex was violent and I craved it that way, through no fault of my own. This just seemed normal to me.

Ironically I had never been made love to, even while married,  not til my Daddy. A few months in He let me know, He gets  I liked it rough, but what about softer?  That was foreign to me. Only time I’d seen  romantic love was in movies and it looked rather boring. Daddy said it was beautiful and we would be doing that throughout our relationship,  I fought it of course. I didn’t see why I needed something that no one before Him ever did, I was fine. He put His foot down and my choice taken away, I would be made love to. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, and since Daddy and I had a connection it really was beautiful. I started to need it too. Now I ask Daddy for it, and He smiles. See, there is a lot to learn in bdsm. 

I chose the path of a slave when I was 16 yrs old. I thought it was the most lovely sight watching a female serve the man she adored and loved. To this day I follow that example. I want Him to see me, the slave me. Does He feel that love emminating from me through serving His needs. Hard part about serving, we serve on good and bad days, any kind of mood you are in. You must put ‘You’ aside to make your Master the most important thought you Have! If we only served when we felt like it, is that real submission?

Bdsm is about freedom, and growth as a person. How do you get freedom from bondage, slavery,  serving a Master? Have you ever tried it, really tried it? You feel the freedom to express yourself in the serving. As I know what my Masters needs are, now I can add my own personal touch, show my true slave heart. He should be able to see I enjoy meeting His needs. That I live and breathe to honor Him. That joy comes across in all areas of your life, in reality, He gives that to me, I take it. Then give back to Him in another way,  and He takes that. It is hard to serve, we are taught to be selfish, put our own needs first. Being a slave goes against all we’ve been taught our entire lives.  Even some in the lifestyle have told me, they could not do what I do. Great,  no one asked you to, find where you belong here, if you belong here. Did you just need this for a while? Only you know
As for growth, you can go through your life stagnant, never push yourself for more, but true bdsm requires more from you. You will give of yourself til the last drop. Dominants want to know a hard or soft list , what have you done, and where can they push you. You accepted this invitation the moment you started talking. Now here comes the real lifestyle to smack you right in the face,  a dominant will present you with a challenge, push you past where you are, almost into another realm. You can feel the fear rise up inside you. Nearly strangle you, you fight against the dominant to stay away from this push, but they see the bigger picture,  you can do it and you’ll be fine. They will break that fight in you, acceptance is key. You don’t know what awaits you. Adrenaline and fear are your constant companions in bdsm. Once you pushed through and come out the other side, that dominant just made you feel more alive than you’ve ever been. Now you want to do it again, they laugh cuz they had to break that fight in you, now you crave what they did to you, for you. Most ppl will not leave the lifestyle over this. Believe it or not I’ve seen many leave as they would not let anyone touch their coveted hard list. But any dominant knows they will try to get that list as small as possible. It’s a challenge they accept. Once you belong to them,  or an agreement with them. It’s their job to push you. If you ever get through this type of scenario over and over, you stop fighting and look forward to see where you wind up afterwards.  It’s a beautiful thing! 

The Psychology of our lifestyle says we are very healthy for those who have been damaged.  We have the best relationships , as it’s supposed to be set up, just don’t hold me responsible if it doesn’t work out. The open communication is great and works,  having two people know their roles in the relationship, being transparent. Also, Facing your fears is so healthy as it takes you out of your comfort zone and makes you face your own insecurities. If you have any form of mental illness I always suggest a doctor know you want to try the lifestyle,  it’s for your own good. And by all means share any mental illness with a dominant who works with you, or involved with you. Things they don’t know can harm you. Dominants take this seriously, they want to help you as long as you are prepared for it. They would much rather not cause more harm,  which is why you must find a true dominant. That takes time. 

As I shared about my own history, I can be open and honest about such things now, they have no hold,  no power over me any longer. Now it’s just my past.  All because a dominant friend of mine said one day, ” You have so much pain, can I please set you free?”  I smiled politely and shook my head yes, not really knowing what I was agreeing to.  He looked at me said; ” good, we start tomorrow,  fair warning though, if you really mean yes, this is going to hurt like hell but it will be the last time you ever hurt”. Now he had my attention. He was right, the cure was much tougher than the pain caused by many. But I was in good hands,  I was safe, I was cared for. He even had a team of subs care for me after I was unbound and put in their care. All of them crying as they watched him at work. They had never seen anything like that before. They wondered how my body could take so much pain, he let the subs know it had built inside me for so long I was numb, i didnt feel anything, until he made me feel. they all said they could not take hours of what I endured, he let them know I was much stronger and quite the fighter, but he knew I’d never safeword out, he only stopped when I couldn’t pick my head up any longer on my own , he said to me and the these subs caring for me , ” i knew she was done when my eyes were filled with tears for her, she has been so hurt, now no one can hurt her again”  I only rememberd each time he asked me if I was ever going to let myself be harmed again,  I kept saying , “fuck you” to this dominant who is highly respected. He let me know that he had done this many times with damaged ppl, but this he would not forget. It was the first time someone’s pain made him cry. I had no idea that he cried that night. He let me know his friends pain,(me),  was deep and He just wanted me to be fixed if he could only reach that part of me that I hide from the world. 

What he did for me,  It helped, but it could only go so far. I didn’t love him ,only as a friend but my true dominant was out there somewhere, that woukd be the one to get me the rest of the way,  and i knew it. Present day, I now have my Daddy, He has made more impact on my life then anyone. Each day I must face the brat in me, and choose to serve, I love to serve Him. He has taught me so much, I’ve come so far. I have more work to be done, but Daddy is man enough , definitely dominant enough. It’s hard for the brat in me to accept ‘Daddy’s way or no way ‘. Daddy had his work cut out for Him. He accepted me, the challenge, He still says it was no big deal! To anyone else, well just try to get me to do something I don’t want to do, good luck. Daddy knows me, cares for me, has my heart in a safe place. I will never be the same again, as He has pushed to the edge, over the edge, and beyond. I’ve faced more fears with Him. I like this me He has helped make. I long to see where I will wind up! 

I love to write about the healthy aspects of our lifestyle! I can’t be without it, for me this is how I need to live each day. 

Hope this helped anyone, would love to hear your own thoughts, stories of your journeys thru bdsm!

-His kitten

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18 thoughts on “A deep seeded need for bdsm…

  1. Sapphire By the Sea says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey! There clearly is healing through pain.

  2. dave94015 says:

    Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
    “a dominant will present you with a challenge, push you past where you are, almost into another real”…some great insights into the dynamics of a lifestyle bdsm relationship!

  3. carina says:

    Thank you for sharing. May I reblog this post?

  4. mzsunshine96 says:

    Im new to this whole lifestyle. What made you guys get into this

  5. capnsylvie says:

    Thanks for sharing this beautiful post! I’m glad you could find someone to help you heal. Best of luck to you.

  6. MissAnna66 says:

    I agree a very beautiful post! Thank you for sharing.

  7. This is a very moving piece. Thank goodness for Daddy!

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