The story of us

It might not seem like a long time to you, but a year and a half for 2 ppl who had never found what they were looking for, til they met one night. That can feel like a long time. Our story actually starts a year before this, but I’m not sure I should tell about that. Why? Cuz Daddy reads everything and He does give me ‘the look.’ ( quick summary: He had mssgd me online, we talked about 3 weeks, I really liked Him but my personal life was truly falling apart, I didn’t think I could be the slave He would want. I was unhappy, drinking a lot due to the stress (my ex) put me through. I honestly didn’t think it would be right to have someone in my life and then have to see me go thru this. I was not in a very submissive place. I really did like Him a lot. But I felt it was the best choice to get thru the crap by myself. Get my life cleaned up. And now you’re up to speed).Daddy disagrees, He was never happy about this. See, the reason I try not to bring it up.

It was a cold, wet night in April. We had a date to meet at a Dennys, I’d say the rest is history, but what you don’t know is that night was mesmerizing. We had this chemistry from the second we met, and it hasn’t changed. The way He looked at me from across the table. He still takes my breathe away, and I’m still His safe place from the world. 

Even as we were saying goodnight to each other the electric ran thru my body, as it still does. I could hardly breathe, just wondered where He had been my whole life. I knew I needed to get to know Him, figure out why I couldn’t get Him off my mind. 

Normally in my past, to show dominant men they don’t own me, I refuse sex for as long as I can handle it. Longest was 4 months, the norm was at least a month. Grandma always told me to make them wait. When it came to Him, I really intended to make Him wait, but it didn’t quite go that way. I slept with Him the next day. Ok, so we waited 10 hrs, I felt He would understand I wasn’t a slut. Lmao. I used to pride myself on making them wait,  but I still cant tell you why I had no strength around this man. Resistance was futile. Our first time was eventful, you have to find it yourself amongst my writings! But we are still going strong ,  which was new for both of us.

After our first sexual encounter, I became a bit withdrawn, I wasn’t sure I should have gone that fast. I was upset with myself,embarrassed . He started texting me,made sure I still wanted to get to know Him, making sense, and I asked Him to keep talking. Ever sense then, He kept talking! 

We aren’t perfect by any means, but we do have something with each other that we were missing with everyone else. Love, respect, kindness, and dare I say soul mates! I dare! I had this instant connection to Him that I have never had before. His smile drew me in, but the sound of His voice sent electric  thru my body! His touch melted my skin. Then there’s His smile.Ok! Yes everything about Him just does it for me! physically,intellectually, emotionally, sexually.

Now it is a year and a half later. We’ve had our problems, disagreements,  arguments, compromises, laughs, sex, rules, structure,  dinners, gifts, talks filled with fun,  texts,  naked pics, and tons of other stuff and firsts… I wouldn’t change one thing. We are who we are as ppl, I appreciate Him as He is. 

As for forever,  I want that with Him. We don’t need to rush things. Ok, part of me wants to rush, only because after all this time I really do love waking up to Him! I sleep better when He stays over, I feel safer. Is it so wrong to want these things with my Daddy? No. But things will happen as they are supposed to! I strongly believe that!

The story of us, is not complete. It might never be, our life is an adventure together, not a destination. We do things differently in our relationship and it works. We realize we can’t be each others whole world. We did that before, nothing kills a relationship faster than no other interests but that one person. We both have our own friends, you just need it. We both know the other persons friends. We can trust each other, our relationship is more important to us than any hot guy or chic. You might be fine, but what we have together is rare, we already know that. We are right where we want to be! It feels great!  I love Him! More and more each day, especially watching others around me fall apart. I don’t want to be without Him, He really is my forever♡

I do love it when others notice how we’ve changed just from being together. 

So, this is us. 5 kids, we have jobs, its like we are regular ppl,  out of millions in this big world, we found each other! We dislike holidays, but we do them for the kids. One day it will just be us two! The dogs, His motorcycle. Now that’s a happy life, what more could anyone ask for…

-His babygirl


Mentoring done right (Not my writing, but I do agree)

​A Mentor is Not Your Dom

By lunaKM

When someone says they have a mentor and that they are learning so much from them I’m happy for them. 

That is until they start saying that they are having sex with their mentor, or that they play intensely with them. 

It goes against everything I ever learned about mentors and rubs me wrong and I’ll be telling you why in a moment. 

But first let’s go back to school, no really, think about your high school and college days. 

The mentors we were most exposed to were our teachers. 

We learned a lot from them, from academics to life scenarios. 

They became friends, confidants and advisors. 

It was not acceptable to even think about being romantically involved with them. 

They were our more experienced peers and leaders. 

We learned that it violated a societal code to go beyond handshakes and even today teachers walk a fine line touching their students at all.

Now, with that in place I hope you can see where I’m headed. 

A mentor in the lifestyle should be treated the same as those in our school days were. Respect, admiration, honor are all terms that I place with a good mentor. 

I look up to a lot of senior submissives and slaves and consider them all my mentors. 

I even have a few Dominants that I look up to as well, but in a more reserved manner. 

These people in my life are not treated in the same way as I’ve been introduced to online by people all over the internet. Which is the rub.

Just the other day I got an email from someone asking me about how they should be a better submissive with their Dominant mentor. 

They told me that their relationship was sexual in nature and that they were learning so much from their mentor. 

The submissive was beginning to understand their submission and was learning protocol and mannerisms that the mentor liked. 

Their mentor was preparing them for finding a Dominant. 

My immediate response was that they had already found a Dominant.

A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Many online Dominants that aren’t looking for a relationship but just some fun with a submissive, perhaps teach them a thing or two are going out there under the guise that they are mentors to novice submissives. 

These novice submissives are more vulnerable to their charms and the lure of learning to be a better submissive than those that have been around for awhile (although not completely untouchable). 

The internet has made this more prevalent but it exists in real life too.

These mentor Dominants are not always bad and can’t be automatically considered predators. Especially because many, like I said, are just looking for casual relationships with no strings. They may like the intellectual discourse and the play is definitely a bonus. 

When they are done with their charges they set them free ‘to look for a Dominant of their own.’  

They are generally harmless but can lead to some confusion with the submissive when they start to fall for the mentor Dominant and those feelings are not returned or handled appropriately.

Opposites Attract

Another very important belief with my position on mentors is that they should be a person that you are not likely to partner with. 

So if this means you are a heterosexual submissive you should find a mentor of the same sex. I realize this is more of a challenge for bisexual submissives but this is more of a conscious choice to pick someone you are not going to be attracted to sexually. 

The reason for this is obvious. 

You are less likely to consider sexual relations with someone you are not gender attracted to and it helps keep the relationship platonic or learning-centered.

Also, whenever possible, I prefer to see mentors that are the same role as well. 

So if I were to identify as a babygirl in a Daddy/girl relationship 

I’d want a mentor that is also female, identifies as a babygirl and has more experience than I do so that I can learn off of them and from them. 

Compatibility this way is more challenging but if you can find someone that at least agrees on some base tenants then you are more likely to be successful in your relationship with them.

Teach Me How?

A good mentor will not have to play with you to teach you what you want to know. 

They should be available to answer your questions, help you find resources and aide you in your personal growth. 

None of this says you must know how it feels to take a flogger or submissively give a blow job. 

These things are NOT part of your personal development but rather activities you do with your partner. 

One of the best mentors I’ve had would ask for my thoughts on a topic and I had to really think hard about how it played out in my head and what I felt about it. 

We’d talk about my connection to submission, what I expected from all sorts of situations and definitely deflated my fantasy balloon around D/s that I had developed from too much BDSM fiction.

If a Dominant approaches you and offers to be your mentor, make sure you clarify with them what you expect from them and for your own sake, keep it platonic. 

Your personal growth will be much improved and when that perfect Dominant comes along you’ll be ready.  

And if you don’t think you can keep the physical out of your relationship then go look for a Dominant and skip the mentor. 

You’ll still have a chance to make friends and learn from the more experienced around you.


After all that’s the best advice I can give. 

Watch and learn from those who have been where you are. 

Let there knowledge feed your mind and open it up to questions about your own submission. They are the best mentors.


I used to teach, for quite sometime, the mentor I had when I started, never touched my body, not even the 2 other girls he trained as slaves, it was just unheard of to sleep with everyone, but female mentors in my area were sparse.We were given the ok to train with this Master, and higher ups watched his conduct. training I received was pure in and of itself. It showed me such beauty in the lifestyle. Not once did i sleep with that Master. When training was as far as he would go, we were all released from his care.

 I left the lifestyle, off and on over many years, but once divorced I felt more at home here , but I noticed that things had seriously changed, and not for the better. A few who knew my background asked me to start mentoring subs/slaves/babygirls. I’ll admit I had no idea what the heck a babygirl was. I learned quickly and identified with it. The lifestyle was way more relaxed about so many things , including respect . In the past, in Az you would join APEX. They got you a mentor , same sex, that person worked with you and helped you. You were cautioned to not have a Master til you were ready and earned being called ‘slave’. You spoke in third person since you weren’t a slave yet. But the new generation was opposite. I trained many, and several would find a Dom that would offer to mentor them. I strongly cautioned against it, even had several doms confuse the ones being mentored by telling that I was doing it wrong, that a Dom can teach you while they slept together.  I was always a proper slave, I didn’t yell back, but oh I wanted to! I did take it to many higher ups, they said to let the wannabes go and do, it had become a huge problem. So I did as instructed. 

 Titles being thrown around so easily .  subs/slaves telling off dominants. I had never seen such things. I was trained that vetting took months with a proper Dom who wanted your attention, no sex is what that meant. I was shocked to learn subs/slaves were having sex after the first meet in public. Granted I still kept to how I was trained, but I did adapt. i can honestly say I did what others did. I even slept with my Master way to fast. After our first time together I actually stopped speaking to Him for several days( for a few reasons), as He was the first Master I had done that with ,ever. I was ashamed of myself. I did exactly what I train against ( wait the proper amount of time). It was to hard to face Him once I felt I shamed myself in front of Him. He did contact days later, and wondered what happened to me, was I Ok? We started talking, and we haven’t stopped yet! 

I still caution against mentors of the opposite sex. I still think no sex during vetting (3-4 months). A proper Dom won’t push to get His way, nor ask for naked pics of a body He does not own. This is old school. I am being transparent , so you know I practice what I preach, but there was something different about my Master, I still wish I would have waited, but it turned out fine. We have been together for a year and a half now!

If anything, I hope you learn How It Used To Be. The proper way of doing things in the lifestyle .  There was such beauty in it. I can only hope that maybe the lifestyle will go back to how it was, but sadly I doubt that. 

-HIS slave 

The gift of true love

Daddy knows I’m not big on getting gifts, but I love to give them ,  love to spoil those I love. But Daddy did give me a gift , He just doesn’t know it yet.

His gift to me is everything I’ve been waiting for, and if you’ve never had a gift like this ,then you don’t even notice it when it’s right in front of you. 

This gift doesn’t come  with a package, or bow. He did not buy it in a store. He didn’t need to know my size or favorite color. To give this gift you must have a heart full of love, the other person must matter to you more than anything else in this world. His gift was pure love, that forever kind. 

How do I know? this is how… Does His words match His actions. Does He have plans for our future. Does He say ‘ I love you’, these can all be tricky, be careful, there those men who have studied the ones who are genuine and have learned how to lie, it’s up to you to take the time you need and wait and see if it’s real. So many men have ruined these things for us, I know, I had heard them before. My thought was why should I trust them now? 

He always let me go slow. He still jokes around that I only have 2 speeds, slow or stop. So, He did need to adjust and help me since slow and steady did win this race. Plus Him meaning exactly what He said, follow through. Once He met my kids I knew something was different in me, I would never let my kids be part of something if I really didn’t think it was good and pure. He has slowly changed us all, for the better. No one left untouched ( in a good way !), we all needed the love He was giving .  We all needed the trust He was showing us. He’s been a most patient Master with us all. I’m so glad He wasn’t in a hurry, none of us do fast! Poor Master!
The things I’m going through right now are the very examples I needed from Him, He just had no idea. But no man before Him ever passed this . It’s NOT a test. It’s real life. In the past, when I’ve been sick, men bailed. There was no one asking if I was ok, how I felt, but He has. In the past I had surgery , there was no one going through it with me, I was alone, just me and my kids. This time I’m faced with some tough news, I waited to see if He would look at me as not whole, and just need to go. He hasn’t, instead He says, “we will get through this”. He takes my breath away. Before and after surgery, there is someone hoping all goes well. Someone afraid to lose me. This is a first, I mean the very first time ever, what a feeling that is. It’s the most beautiful feeling in the world. 

If you never experienced that feeling, I caution you to search for that kind of man. Just never ask me how I got so lucky, as to have my Daddy ,  cuz I don’t know. I’m just thankful every day of my life. He’s my forever! I hope He knows how much I love Him too. Because I sure Do! someone pinch me, did I really find the man of dreams! I think So! 

– His kitten

A love letter to my daughter…

I love you, adore you, you are one of the most important people to me in this entire world. As you become a woman, i realize there are so many things I screwed up, I never had the chance to show you what a real loving relationship is, until now. I don’t want you to follow in my past footsteps, but the now.

 I know now you saw the abuse of the past,  the things you heard and saw I wish I could erase it from your memory. Only put in good and wonderful things. I do get a second chance in my life! I finally have love, real love. I get to show you what that is, and hope it will infect every area of you and you find that too. 

I know I push you hard at times, it’s only because I see your potential. I want the very best that life has to offer for you! I will always be your mom, but when you’re older your best friend. 

I love my job of being a mom, and it has been a privilege and honor to be yours. I’m so glad you’re still here, think of all you would be missing… I’m so thankful for the bad times, they made you so strong. 
We get the chance to start our lives again. Not everyone gets that, so don’t waste it. Live each day! Breathe and smile! Because you are the best reason to smile! 
I know you don’t know this… But you are my favorite! You are my sunshine♡ My only sunshine♡ 

We have years of memories, hope I remember them all. Lol. And now we have years for many more! And new additions to our family (3). I couldn’t have this without you. 

I love you my sweet girl.


Alternative punishments. When beating the sub just doesn’t work anymore!(not my work)

​I Could Beat You For That, But You Would Enjoy It Too Much: Alternative Punishments That Work

By Guest Author on June 28, 2013.This is a guest post by Norische.

Punishment by nature is something that is to be avoided, something that is negative; it should be unwelcome and act as a negative motivator. It can be used to motivate a submissive/slave to start behaving in a certain manner or it can be used to encourage a behavior to stop.
Some people think that a paddling or spanking is punishment; these actions would normally be what I would do during play and not punishment, therefore I do not recommend that such activities be used as a form of punishment. Many individuals become accustomed to the physical discomfort, even enjoy it, and therefore the physical punishment slowly looses its value until it is no more than a mere event of the day.
Jay Wiseman writes in SM101, A Realistic Introduction:
“I firmly believe that the dominant should not slap, spank, paddle, bind, confine, or otherwise perform any common BDSM act on a sub as punishment. We are trying to create positive, erotic connections with these activities. Let\’s reserve them for that area alone and not cloud the connections. I also firmly believe that a dominant should never slap, punch, kick, or otherwise touch a submissive in anger.
“Punishment often involves pain and many submissives enjoy pain. Indeed, some will manipulate deliberately so they can be “punished.” This is why I strongly recommend that pain not be used as punishment.”
(SM101, A Realistic Introduction, p. 274)
I find that the punishments that are most effective are not physically based. When I discussed this concept with another Dominant he got this very blank look on his face and asked how else should you punish if not physically. It is for him and others like him that I am writing this article. The concept of punishment is limited only by ones imagination, and I must say I have a very vivid and sadistic imagination.
When deciding on a punishment there is some simple rules to start with.
First, never punish when you are angry. Stop and take a little time and think, don’t lash out or do anything rashly.
Second, make sure the punishment fits the crime. Do not over punish and do not lightly tap the person on the wrist and say “Bad!” If you are going to punish at all, make sure that it will leave a lasting effect.
Third, do not punish without education. When you punish make sure the individual knows what he or she has done, and what behaviors can be changed to meet your satisfaction, otherwise the punishment is useless.
Fourth, punishment should be done in a timely manner. If you plan on waiting for more than a few minutes to punish make sure the submissive/slave writes down the infraction and understands that punishment will be taken care of later. Making an individual wait can be used as part of the full punishment as well. However make sure that when you do punish that you have the submissive/slave reads or talks about the original transgression and that they are aware of why they are being punished.
Fifth, never cross limits or boundaries. Always respect limits and fears or phobias even when punishing. If someone is claustrophobic do not lock him or her in a closet as punishment, the mental trauma would far out way the transgression.
Sixth, once a punishment is over it is over. Do not continuously hold an action against the submissive/slave and do not bring it up later, once punishment has been given the incident should be forgiven and dropped.
Seventh, do no punish unjustly. If you don’t know for 100% that the submissive/slave has committed the infraction do not punish him or her.
Eighth, never be afraid to say I am sorry. Punishment is not meant to be pleasurable to either the submissive/slave or to the one that inflicts the punishment, when you know you have hurt someone it is acceptable to say I am sorry. Unless you have hurt them in a way that was not intended, make sure that the individual knows that you are not sorry about what you did, but you are sorry that you had to do it.
From time to time a submissive/slave will do something that will disappoint his or her Dominant or they will act in a manner that is unsatisfactory. Submissives/slaves are still human and therefore they are not perfect and sometimes mistakes happen. It is always unpleasant to punish someone you love, but if punishment is not done then you are doing them a far greater injustice. Punishment is an accepted responsibility of any Dominant and must be done, but it should be done for the right reasons. There is only one reason to punish, the submissive/slave behavior or lack there of has displeased the Dominant, in an effort to express this displeasure and teach that the behavior is unacceptable and must be altered the Dominant must punish.
I have created a list of effective punishments that you may use, if nothing else perhaps this list will give you an idea of where to start. Some of these punishments may not be acceptable for you, others you may have already used, I hope you find something with in these words that may serve as useful.
Sub is to stand in corner, either for a specific amount of time or until the Dominant states that the sub may leave. 
The sub is not permitted to serve.
The sub is not permitted to call the Dominant by his or her chosen title, i.e. Master, Mistress.
The sub is not permitted to wear his or her collar.
The sub is not permitted to sit on furniture.
The sub is not permitted to sleep in the same room as the Dominant.
The sub is not permitted to sleep in a bed, and must sleep on a mat on the floor.
The sub is not permitted to speak.
The sub is not permitted to make eye contact.
The sub is not permitted to eat with the Dominant.
The sub is not permitted to go nude, and must wear big baggy, unflattering clothing.
The sub is sent to his or her room.
The sub must sit on his or her bed in the dark and not allowed to leave the bed, until the Dominant gives them permission, they may not fall asleep.
A gag or tape is placed on the sub’s mouth.
The sub must wear a sign stating “I am Bad” and tell anyone who asks why they are wearing the sign, then ask the individual to sign their sign.( Humiliation to me is abusive cuz of my ex. This would cause more harm than good for me)
The sub is not permitted to smoke, if applicable.
The sub is not permitted to watch TV.
The sub is not permitted to use the computer.
The sub is not permitted to have sex.
The sub is not permitted to have an orgasm.
The sub is not permitted.
The sub must wear granny panties, and a big saggy bra, or ugly cotton briefs or even long underwear.
The sub must count out all the grains of rice in a large bowl, counting out loud mind you.
The sub must wear a diaper and use a pacifier.
The sub is not allowed to shave.
The sub must carry a large clock around with them at all times…this is very effective against tardiness.
Essays As Punishment
Essays are an excellent means of getting a submissive/slave to focus and think about what they have done. This form of punishment normally takes quite a while to complete and allows the sub time to reflect, it also allows them to have a written record of the incident that they may refer to at a later time. I normally choose the length of the essay based on the severity of the transgression, most of the time I have chosen between 200 and 500 words, although I have used more and less at times.
Here are some possible subject areas for essays.
“What Service Means To Me?”
“The Meaning of Respect”
“How Do My Actions Reflect on my Master/Mistress?”
“What Makes Me A Good Submissive/Slave?”
“What Is The Definition of Submission?”
“What Is Corporal Punishment?”
“What Is The Difference Between a Slave and a Submissive?”
“Trust Within A BDSM Relationship”
“My Word is My Honor”
“Honesty, It’s Meaning and It’s Effect”
“The History of The BDSM Symbol”
“My Duties As A Submissive/Slave”
“What My Master/Mistress Means To Me.”
“Want vs. Need”
“The Sanctity of The Master/slave Relationship.”
“Manners, and Etiquette”
“Protocol and Its Role In The BDSM Lifestyle.”
There are many others that would be educational as well as useful. The Dominant may wish to choose a subject area that is focused on the transgression, or he or she may wish to have the submissive/slave write a 300 word essay on what the transgression was and what they think should happen as a punishment.
Another thing that is helpful is to have the submissive/slave do repetitive work, such as writing the same thing over and over again. For example…
The sub must write five hundred times
“I will learn to manage my time wisely”
“I will always say Thank You for any privilege”
“I will not interrupt my Master ever again.”
“I will not correct my Master/Mistress in public.”
“I will not pout, whine or act like a spoiled brat.” ( good luck with this one )
You can use your own judgment to create the appropriate wording. I find that if the submissive/slave must go sit at the kitchen table by him/herself and write repetitively a single phrase and is not allowed to get up until they have finished, the effects are both positive and long lasting.
Within this article I have listed several ideas that I hope can be useful, I also hope that you enjoy this article but are never required to utilize my suggestions. Please take what information you find helpful to you and that which is applicable to your current situation and then discard the rest.

I will add here, that in our lives, I never, ever, ever, ever tell Daddy I’m bored. He will put me on task. 

Yes, I did alter this list a bit. But i have a great reason why… if Daddy read some of those things He’d do them.  He has a very evil mind. He can come up with His own punishments , it’s not like He’s ever out of ideas!

– His kitten

What is real communication ( not my work, worth sharing)

​What Do You Mean When You Say Communicate? I am Communicating!

By lunaKM
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
People in the D/s and BDSM lifestyles love to say this word. We emphasize that it’s the cornerstone of the relationship, that it is the key to a successful relationship and that negotiation, a form of communication, needs to be done on a regular basis depending on the situation and relationship type. With over a decade in the lifestyle I know what they mean when someone says communicate.
A novice? Not as much.
Growing up I learned more how not to communicate for fear of reaction, response and revealing too much. I learned that the little white lie wouldn’t hurt anything and that not telling someone was sometimes better than coming clean. I heard my mother tell us many times not to tell father about something she did or purchased or talked about. What they don’t know can’t hurt them, right? The examples we’ve been exposed to has been full of secrecy and keeping our opinions to ourselves. So, you may have fantastic communication skills in the outside world.
It’s not the same thing for D/s or BDSM. Not by a long shot.
In a D/s relationship and in BDSM the opposite is true. “Dominants and submissives in a relationship speak about everything! Whereas most men and women entering into a vanilla relationship withhold information about their desires and sexual needs because they fear rejection or ridicule, in a Power Exchange relationship, these individuals candidly share their most embarrassing desires, their fears of abandonment, their fears of failure and never being good enough, their need for love and most importantly what these issues look like are immediately addressed.” (Dr. Charley Ferrer, “BDSM Relationships,” Retrieved 11/4/13) It’s very rare that you can reveal too much. Transparency is encouraged. Sharing every detail about something is more important to building trust, keeping you safe and developing strong relationships. So what is transparency?
Transparency is not lying or covering up small details. Do you have aches and pains in your left shoulder? Tell your play partner before playing with them. That goes for all medical issues. You never know what might happen and having someone know these things is safer for you. Need to skip anal sex that night because of stomach upset? Don’t just say no, tell them why. Trust me, they can take it. Omitting something from conversation can be the same as lying in some relationships.
In a relationship situation, don’t be afraid to reveal thoughts, opinions or stories that might contradict or counter what your partner has said. Try to never be hesitant to ask a question, no matter how silly it seems. In a close, intimate relationship it’s known to get to a point that you can tell the other person anything. And boy does that feel good.
For you, the novice, it can be scary to be that vulnerable with someone. The level of openness required is filled with anxiety. Take it slow. Build the trust with someone and when you are ready you will know you can share anything with them. Painful pasts can be met with compassion, fears and embarrassing fantasies with understanding and acceptance.
You will learn that communicating is a whole new world when you enter into a BDSM relationship.

I’m Daddy’s kitten,  and I approve this message. Plus i think it has valuable info everyone can learn, even vanilla ppl!

Protocol and mutual growth  ( not my work, but it’s worth sharing!)

​Protocol and Mutual Growth

by lucidsyn

1. the customs and regulations dealing with diplomatic formality, precedence, and etiquette.
“Manners are like primary colors, there are certain rules and once you have these you merely mix, i.e., adapt, them to meet changing situations.” – Emily Post
Something my little fae and I have talked A lot about recently are what I consider to be something that appears to be a dying “holy trinity” in both vanilla and BDSM life: protocol, Etiquette and Manners.
I can count the numerous times I have been out for a meal with Dot, and things that we take as a matter of course becomes a topic of conversation – from couples that can’t seem to go five minutes without checking their smart phones, or parents that allow children to scream, run around unsupervised and generally make life more difficult for those around them. None of these circumstances are even remotely acceptable to me both as a Dominant or an average guy out for dinner with my other half. hopefully by the end of this you will understand not only WHY this is the case, and what I expect from my submissive in terms of protocols governing her behavior in and out of a BDSM setting. (this is going to be a long one, so go grab a coffee, and get comfortable).
Please. A very simple word when you think about it, but it is a keystone, one that a foundation of manners, etiquette, and finally protocol can be built on. I recall a time when I was a child, I was out with my grandfather, my grandmother and my mother for a dinner, as a child I was very well read and by this age instead of reading Clifford the big red dog like my peers I was reading things like full-sized star trek novels. So after reading the menu and realizing there was nothing I wanted to (or would) eat, I said very simply : well this place sucks they don’t even have what I want. My grandfather looked at me, and said “son, you might not realize it but I’m about to teach you something”. The waitress arrived and he looked at her and said “we all know what we’re having except for my grandson do you think you could please do me a favor and see if it’s not too much trouble to ask the kitchen if they’d just make him a burger?” I don’t remember what she said in return, but I do remember she smiled, and sure enough I did get my burger… that’s really the first instance I recall of the word please opening up instances where a person there to serve went above and beyond the call of duty to please the people she wished to make happy and indeed more comfortable.
Manners to me are probably the most important and often neglected or disregarded art form, from shaking hands, to greeting someone warmly and genuinely, all the way to saying goodbye or goodnight. Manners are everything and I expect any woman I consider my submissive, as she is a direct reflection of me as a Dominant, make it a point to cultivate good manners towards anyone regardless of their station. Repetition is key to this, always say please and thank you, especially to people who are there to serve or offer you a service they serve willingly and should be appreciated, a please and thank you at the very least are a way to show appreciation for that service.
Which brings me to etiquette, to me anyway etiquette is a collection of manners and social graces acceptable to ANY and ALL circumstances… Etiquette dictates to me that I will always say please and thank you, at the very least no matter who I am talking to from my boss to the teenager at the fast food counter – I expect my Submissive to do the same, if etiquette is Social Convention then our version of it will always include at the bare minimum these niceties, as a matter of etiquette I also believe wholeheartedly that you should always when meeting someone learn something about them that will make them unique to you…. Notice the arm tattoo on your local McDonalds employee and a visit or 3 later Compliment them on it… it’s Polite and good practice, which makes a person feel valued and important.
So on to Protocol, this is where I will start focusing on protocol levels in various situations and lay out the groundwork for us to discuss what we would like Social, Low, Medium and High Protocol are going to mean to us.Protocol, is to me a collection of manners, etiquette and attentiveness to a situation that warrant different levels or methods of application. For example in a vanilla setting I have already laid out when I believe to be the bare bones of protocol. Please,Thank you, and perhaps a handshake if meeting someone – with eye contact! Very important for fostering relationships. Now the same Circumstance in a BDSM setting may entail my expectation of her deferring to me to make the introductions rather than her taking initiative to do so on her own. See the subtle difference ?
Ideally our vanilla protocol will remain just us…Syn and Dot, a couple that is very deeply in love, cheeky with one another, sarcastic and goofy all at once. We have discussed this at length, and have a fairly good idea nothing will change from our Norm. A small note about the above, our D/s Dynamic organically bleeds into vanilla life so vanilla U/us will always be evolving and changing to incorporate that, it’s in our nature, but it allows us to Simply – be.
Social protocols, for example at munches and other “relaxed lifestyle” events I want my Sub to be able to be her as much as possible while still having a set of guidelines to be able to comfort her need to serve which in turn quiet’s her social anxiety. Therefore everything noted in the sections on manners and etiquette should be observed, and for someone I call my submissive should already be a matter of course. I expect her to be polite, courteous, and well-mannered. Included in this, I expect to be addressed as Sir, and at her request other more senior members of the lifestyle can (at her discretion) be addressed as Sir or Ma’am. I would also expect that upon meeting new people she defers to me to make our introductions. This protocol should also be viewed as “low”…. at a later date after we’ve discussed this entry this may change.
A Medium protocol would include all of the above, however I would expect my submissive to remain close by my side, and institute a slightly stricter observance of my possible needs, which might include refilling a drink at a function, or excusing herself from a conversation immediately to fulfill a task I may need doing, putting our coats away, getting something from the car, etc….I still wish for her to have Freedom, but be immediately available should I require her services.
High protocol – Reserved for times of high protocol dinners, and times where She needs it in ANY moment of life to remove the ability to think to hard about detrimental things. At this point Her focus is entirely her Sir. Social interaction that is not with me, must be Cleared by me in the form of a question – “sir, may I please respond?”. She should NEVER leave my side in anticipation of my needs – I should not have to ask her to refill my drink, it should be asked if she may do so in anticipation of the drink being empty. Responses to my inquiries should be short, to the point and respectful, yes sir, no sir.After discussion High protocol may become more Rigid still, I however wish to flesh out the important bits and framework here only.
Those are my initial thoughts on the subject… as her Dom I know my little fae needs these guidelines, structure and ritual is something that she needs to feel comfortable and safe, and so we shall have it. I must say though, for me, it will be good to implement these rules, and rituals (once I get used to them) as well as I realize I can be a bit of a mobile hurricane, when it comes to ritual and structure, so a good exercise for us both.
I plan to show this to my little fae so that we can do as well always do, read, Review, revise and implement…As well as discussing consequences should our imposed protocols be broken.
So until next post.