Just seemed like something good to post. Saw it over on Fetlife recently at:
Red Flags – How to tell if a Dom is into YOU or just using you as a sub.
This article is for helping subs figure out if your Dom is into YOU as a person or if he is just into you because you are a sub who can fulfill his kinky wish list.
This is geared towards those subs looking for a complete, loving, multi-faceted D/s RELATIONSHIP with a man who truly cares about them in every way. This is pretty irrelevant for the casual crowd or those who are more interested in skills, rotating play partners, play parties & BDSM bucket lists rather than finding that one Dom to cherish us.
– On your 1st date:
Does he smile & shake your hand or kiss you on the cheek when he meets you? Does he hold the door, take your coat, pull out your chair or act in any polite & chivalrous manner? Does he pay for the meal?
Does he just act like he’s out with his buddies? Does he check out other women on your date? Does he obviously look you up & down like a piece of meat when he lays eyes on you? Does he refuse to meet for more than a 10 minute coffee date? (RED FLAG)
Does he ask lots of varied questions about your job, your family, your hobbies, your background, your life goals? Is his priority to make YOU feel comfortable?
Are most of his 1st date questions about your fetish lists, fantasies and what scenes you want to live out – preferably with him <wink, wink>? (RED FLAG)
(This one is a CLASSIC – & easy to figure out – sign that he has little interest in a lady for anything beyond kinky/sexual fun. Pay close attention. Don’t let loneliness, his good looks or his flattery cause you to turn off your internal radar.)
Near the end of the date, does he kiss your hand or offer you a hug with warm words like a gentleman would?
Does he ask you if you want to go back to his place? Does he expect physical intimacy? Does he arrogantly talk about play with you like it is an assumed thing just because you might have a 2nd date? (RED FLAG)
– Past the 1st date:
Does he talk about wanting to impress you or show you a good time? Does he talk about taking you to a nice restaurant or a movie he thinks might cater to your sense of humor? Do you have vanilla dates like a walk on the beach, theater, anything beautiful, stimulating or culturally interesting?
Is every date about taking your clothes off or getting out the toys? Does every date involve play, kink or sex? Does he take you out for a mediocre dinner & then assume you’ll to go back to his place EVERY time for a play session? (RED FLAG)
(This is a CLASSIC sign he has little interest beyond getting his kinky fix. This is one subs ignore ALL the time. The pattern is easier to see the longer you date. Some subs wrongly think that because kink is a shared interest that it is normal that it is the ONLY interest. This is not normal if a guy claims he is looking for an overall partner vs. just a person to tie up.)
– Assessing after a few dates or after a relationship has been formed:
Does his profile list you CLEARLY as his #1 (primary -for poly or only- for monogamy) partner? Does his profile talk about what place you have in his life? Does he make it clear that no other subs will be taking your place?
Is his profile a solicitation for more subs, more fun, more “action?” I see a lot of devoted subs who have their Masters listed prominently on their profiles but their Masters don’t even list their subs anywhere on their profile. There’s a section at the top to name your partner – if he hasn’t bothered to “claim you” & be proud of you online (easy to do) what makes you think he’ll commit to you for real offline? (RED FLAG)
This one can go either way. My Master and I don’t list each other on get, or other social media, we just don’t care and we trust each other. Maybe one day we will find it important, but to most of you I know this is how you feel respected. You feel you have been chosen and now everything is great. It can still go wrong listed or not, beware. FYI: crazy exes who stalk you, can read your profile, just sayin…
– After a month or two:
Does he invite you to meet his vanilla friends & family? Does he invite you to family cookouts, B-Days, Thanksgiving, etc? Does he introduce you as his girlfriend, and not just his play partner or sub?
What if family is out of state, so cut some ppl slack. My Master will never meet my family as I’m estranged from them for over 10 yrs. If they were in my life I would proudly introduce Him, yet keep the lifestyle out of it.
Does your ENTIRE social life together revolve around kinksters, munches or play parties? Is he keeping you separate from his vanilla circle? (RED FLAG)
– If you’re seeking monogamy:
Has he “claimed you” as his one? Has he brought up or agreed to exclusivity?
Does he still have active dating profiles – kinky or vanilla – anywhere that still list him as “single” or “available?” (RED FLAG)
Do ask your dominate. But plz don’t become a stalker, there is a fine line between becoming aware of them socially and checking up on them.
1 . Men like sex – period. Just because we’re into kink doesn’t mean that the vanilla tenets of dating are not true. Know that 90% of men will never turn down physical intimacy – EVER – even if he doesn’t like you, even if you’re not his type, even if he knows he never wants you to come back. And he WILL smile through all of it. Pleasure brings smiles. Don’t mistake that pleasure-in-the-moment for caring about you. Sorry girls, but you do fall for this one way to easily. Then feel justified to get even. He didn’t hurt you, you hurt you. I tell each sub/slave I train (make Him wait if you want Him to stay ) It’s a fact that no man lying to you will wait, there’s tons of hot flesh out there that will say yes to Him.
2. There is no built-in “honor code” in BDSM. Some subs seem to think that once they find a Dom that the relationship will be fine because Doms are supposed to protect their subs. Nothing could be further from the truth. Dating is still dating. Act like the kink world is a bubble protected from the rest of reality at your own peril. Subs MUST still be aware of the evolution of the relationship and whether a man is meeting her needs. Plus, some Doms will trick you, lie to you, seduce you, tell you they will take care of you just to get you satisfying their fetishes faster. And some men come to kink because they’ve heard the women here are “easy.” Ladies, are we easy? Lol. Our lifestyle is based on sexual fetishes , so what do you think? We sure look easy. In my past, if a Dom wanted to date me exclusively, He had to wait 3-4 months , no sex, but get to know me. Then He had to pass my test! Daddy has been the only exception.
3. Dear ladies, being a sub does not mean you cannot speak up, draw boundaries or tell a Dom your needs are not being met (let’s hope you outlined your needs at the beginning of the relationship). If you do not speak up, especially to someone new you are dating, you are in danger or becoming walked all over …or worse, used & thrown away. Don’t believe me? Go read the posts in the “Submissive Women” group on FetLife. It has daily postings from women who thought their doms cared about them. And then the Doms dump them with no explanation or disappear. It’s some of the most depressing stuff I’ve ever read.
I want to say to females, sometimes you bring this one on yourselves. Why trust so quickly when you know nothing about this person , Dom or not.
4. Have the “are you monogamous?”/ “will you want to play with others?” talk RIGHT AWAY ….ideally before you ever meet and fall under his spell. You don’t want to know the heartbreak of a monogamous sub who falls hard for her Dom only to know he has fallen for someone else or just needs a constant parade of new flesh to hold his interest. ONE conversation can avoid this. There is not one single good reason to wait to have this talk….unless you like unpleasant surprises.
This one is the most important of all.
5. If you are looking for a Dom to love you ….Tell him up front that you don’t rush just because this is kink. Decline his invites for the first 5 dates to go to his bedroom. I know this is hard because BDSM can be intoxicating & we all get horny. I get it. This is not about playing a game. It is a litmus test to see if he is interested in the whole you & your personality or your pussy and trying out his toys. It is about respect. Does he respect your values, your need to get to know your partner, your need to feel emotionally safe before you pass that threshold for physical intimacy.
(((((ADDENDUM: For all the shit I’m getting (from men, not surprisingly <sigh…>) the “wait 5 dates” is just an arbitrary number I picked. Women can pick any waiting period they want. Newsflash: The kink world REVOLVES around sex & play – it is PRIMARY motivating factor for everything. Let’s keep it real – FetLife is not eHarmony.
As I stated before, make Him wait. Any real Dom won’t mind the wait. If He knows you’re the one! Even the ‘right now’ but maybe not His forever, a real Dom waits. It’s called betting. He shouldn’t give you a hard time, or try to get His dominate way. It’s all up to you ladies.
Someone commented: “Surprise – there are indeed female subs who like and enjoy sex and bad sex can kill a relationship.”
Ummm, duh. Almost all women like sex. Dieters might like chocolate cake but they will resist it to lose the weight. They hold back until they see the RESULTS they want to see. This concept is not rocket science. If a guy does not want to wait for physicality then subs have KNOWLEDGE that helps them make a choice on his suitability as a partner. Sex & love are not mutually exclusive things but … newsflash, if the sex is great & he doesn’t love her that’s going to kill the relationship too – AND BREAK HER HEART. But the dear commenter thinks the sex is more important than waiting so as to possible save the heartbreak. How selfish. Ladies: this is the kind of Dom who you want to avoid: the one who does not consider the worst case scenario.
The POINT (lost on some men, obviously) is take your time subs – if you want a whole relationship, wait for his whole interest. Funny how warped the kink world is to imply that waiting to get intimate & being self-protective is a “game.” One can enjoy sex and still wait on sex to see what a man’s intentions are – IT’S CALLED SELF-CONTROL. I know self-control & hedonism are like oil & water though. Sad.
In this point I whole heartedly agree. And if you can’t wait, that’s entirely up to you. My Master and I did NOT wait, He’s been my ONLY exception, but we’ve been together long enough now to know this isn’t lust.
>>>>> I should’ve known that telling women to wait on sex would send the Doms into a tizzy – and isn’t that saying it ALL??!! <<<<< ))))
A real Dom won’t mind waiting. If she’s the right one, then whats wrong with waiting? Show Her how you really feel for her. I will say ladies, there are still patient ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’. I’ve met them, made them wait and it still was wrong. Nothing is foolproof except becoming a nun.
Making a prospective Dom wait on the physical intimacy or making sure he does not rush you is almost a sure-fire way to separate the wheat from the chaff. While sex is a normal part of a healthy, mature relationship it is necessary for subs especially to figure out which guys are in it the for the long haul & which are not. Horny guys looking for action simply don’t wait. Some will even blow you off after one online conversation if you say that you take it slow, Unreal. This litmus test is your greatest weapon of knowledge in BDSM dating, and it will protect you. Guys who are sweet on you, are falling for you, or are dazzled by you will want you around – in any capacity. Guys who just want your pussy don’t really care about going to the movies together or getting to know the vanilla parts of you. Sex does not equal love. Many of us had our moms tell us this when we started dating. Guess what? It still applies – even if the play session is so extraordinarily mind-blowing & intense that it makes you both pass out. The only difference now is the men are older & the toys are different.
Sex or play does not equal love or caring. This shouldn’t be rocket science. EVER.
But is up to you dear sub to have the personal fortitude to hold back until you are pretty sure he is worth your heart. With the super-high relationship failure rate in kink you’d think this would be the obvious way to go. Good things are worth waiting for. Rush if you want to but why do you need to? Think about it.
Everything is there right in front of your eyes ….if you want to see it.
Have to add this in light of some of the comments………
As with anything in life, there are exceptions, so please do not pummel me in the comments about how you fucked on the 1st date & now you’re together for a lifetime. I get it. It happens (once in a blue moon), My Master and I, But the ratio of that happening successfully compared to the number of subs who get played with & discarded is easily 100 to 1. So this post is for those 100 subs, not your exception. Please, comment with this in mind.
This post is not about STD’s, safety protocol, safe calls, abuse. It’s just about getting to know a Dom, from a sub perspective.