Today was like any other day. Court went well. Doctor seems to be trying to help me. So thankful I won’t be in pain forever.
But tonight something different happened, my special needs son walked into my room, he wanted to talk. My Daddy had just got home, and walked into the room to find, me and (T. As my son will be known, cuz that’s what we call him). My son is special needs. In special needs classes at school, he’s an adult, Daddy and I have been working on giving him confidence to do college too. All the other kids will have an education and hopefully college, as we both refuse to let any of our kids give up on themselves, special needs or not.
As my son spoke, he got tears in his eyes as to how overwhelmed he feels. We listened to every word, have hope and loved him even more for sharing his thoughts and feelings. Parents aren’t mind readers, we do need to hear from the kids to know what they need from us. The one thing that rang throughout the room, my Daddy promising my son that he will be there for Him, no matter what.
My Daddy is not my son’s biological father. In fact none of my children care for their father, because our lives were so full of abuse, walking on eggshells, having to pretend to be perfect, physically and emotionally being harmed for quite sometime. Granted my kids and myself went through some counseling so we could learn how to let go of the past, harder then it seems, and learn to build a new family together.
We still have to learn what ‘normal’ is. It’s so foreign to us. We were almost like the show,’ unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’, ok maybe not to that extreme, but I’m trying to make light of the abuse.
As Daddy and son talked and exchanged views on what we want to accomplish, tears fell from T’s eyes, he even let me snuggle him and kiss him a bit, which is rare since T hates being touched. There are times when I know I can get away with it. Daddy promised T that none of us would ever be hurt again, T will not have to worry about anyone harming him, making fun of him ever again. Daddy only wants the best for all of us, He sure has His hands full.
I realized in that moment, that no man would make promises to a child they didn’t intend to keep in their life. I let Daddy guide my son in this conversation, and for me that was huge, as I don’t let anyone get close to my sweet boy, but I felt my son needed a father like interaction , not a mom. My son seemed to really open up thru the night. He came to me with his work, and we read together! I looked at my sweet boy, and I felt that I failed him. I chose an asshole that fathered them. I hate myself for not leaving sooner, as this caused us all so much pain.
Then it hit me. Daddy just tested me, could He trust me? He said I passed His test. And I realized all things He’s trusted me with. Now Daddy and I don’t live together quite yet, I know where He lives but I never invite myself over, nor would I hurt the trust He places in me. I know where He works, where He hangs out with His friends. I would never overstep my boundaries. I want Daddy to know the kind of woman I am. Is Daddy proud of His slave? This is the man I want in my life, and I want Him to know my heart. That I love Him beyond measure. I want to spend my life with this man, serve Him. Hopefully I’ve shown Him that, cuz I’m not so great with words face to face.
He is my forever, and I can tell that He loves me/us, He has plans for our life, our families together! Im looking forward to our lives together, it’s a wonderful life now