A Mentor is Not Your Dom
When someone says they have a mentor and that they are learning so much from them I’m happy for them.
That is until they start saying that they are having sex with their mentor, or that they play intensely with them.
It goes against everything I ever learned about mentors and rubs me wrong and I’ll be telling you why in a moment.
But first let’s go back to school, no really, think about your high school and college days.
The mentors we were most exposed to were our teachers.
We learned a lot from them, from academics to life scenarios.
They became friends, confidants and advisors.
It was not acceptable to even think about being romantically involved with them.
They were our more experienced peers and leaders.
We learned that it violated a societal code to go beyond handshakes and even today teachers walk a fine line touching their students at all.
Now, with that in place I hope you can see where I’m headed.
A mentor in the lifestyle should be treated the same as those in our school days were. Respect, admiration, honor are all terms that I place with a good mentor.
I look up to a lot of senior submissives and slaves and consider them all my mentors.
I even have a few Dominants that I look up to as well, but in a more reserved manner.
These people in my life are not treated in the same way as I’ve been introduced to online by people all over the internet. Which is the rub.
Just the other day I got an email from someone asking me about how they should be a better submissive with their Dominant mentor.
They told me that their relationship was sexual in nature and that they were learning so much from their mentor.
The submissive was beginning to understand their submission and was learning protocol and mannerisms that the mentor liked.
Their mentor was preparing them for finding a Dominant.
My immediate response was that they had already found a Dominant.
A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
Many online Dominants that aren’t looking for a relationship but just some fun with a submissive, perhaps teach them a thing or two are going out there under the guise that they are mentors to novice submissives.
These novice submissives are more vulnerable to their charms and the lure of learning to be a better submissive than those that have been around for awhile (although not completely untouchable).
The internet has made this more prevalent but it exists in real life too.
These mentor Dominants are not always bad and can’t be automatically considered predators. Especially because many, like I said, are just looking for casual relationships with no strings. They may like the intellectual discourse and the play is definitely a bonus.
When they are done with their charges they set them free ‘to look for a Dominant of their own.’
They are generally harmless but can lead to some confusion with the submissive when they start to fall for the mentor Dominant and those feelings are not returned or handled appropriately.
Another very important belief with my position on mentors is that they should be a person that you are not likely to partner with.
So if this means you are a heterosexual submissive you should find a mentor of the same sex. I realize this is more of a challenge for bisexual submissives but this is more of a conscious choice to pick someone you are not going to be attracted to sexually.
The reason for this is obvious.
You are less likely to consider sexual relations with someone you are not gender attracted to and it helps keep the relationship platonic or learning-centered.
Also, whenever possible, I prefer to see mentors that are the same role as well.
So if I were to identify as a babygirl in a Daddy/girl relationship
I’d want a mentor that is also female, identifies as a babygirl and has more experience than I do so that I can learn off of them and from them.
Compatibility this way is more challenging but if you can find someone that at least agrees on some base tenants then you are more likely to be successful in your relationship with them.
Teach Me How?
A good mentor will not have to play with you to teach you what you want to know.
They should be available to answer your questions, help you find resources and aide you in your personal growth.
None of this says you must know how it feels to take a flogger or submissively give a blow job.
These things are NOT part of your personal development but rather activities you do with your partner.
One of the best mentors I’ve had would ask for my thoughts on a topic and I had to really think hard about how it played out in my head and what I felt about it.
We’d talk about my connection to submission, what I expected from all sorts of situations and definitely deflated my fantasy balloon around D/s that I had developed from too much BDSM fiction.
If a Dominant approaches you and offers to be your mentor, make sure you clarify with them what you expect from them and for your own sake, keep it platonic.
Your personal growth will be much improved and when that perfect Dominant comes along you’ll be ready.
And if you don’t think you can keep the physical out of your relationship then go look for a Dominant and skip the mentor.
You’ll still have a chance to make friends and learn from the more experienced around you.
After all that’s the best advice I can give.
Watch and learn from those who have been where you are.
Let there knowledge feed your mind and open it up to questions about your own submission. They are the best mentors.
I used to teach, for quite sometime, the mentor I had when I started, never touched my body, not even the 2 other girls he trained as slaves, it was just unheard of to sleep with everyone, but female mentors in my area were sparse.We were given the ok to train with this Master, and higher ups watched his conduct. training I received was pure in and of itself. It showed me such beauty in the lifestyle. Not once did i sleep with that Master. When training was as far as he would go, we were all released from his care.
I left the lifestyle, off and on over many years, but once divorced I felt more at home here , but I noticed that things had seriously changed, and not for the better. A few who knew my background asked me to start mentoring subs/slaves/babygirls. I’ll admit I had no idea what the heck a babygirl was. I learned quickly and identified with it. The lifestyle was way more relaxed about so many things , including respect . In the past, in Az you would join APEX. They got you a mentor , same sex, that person worked with you and helped you. You were cautioned to not have a Master til you were ready and earned being called ‘slave’. You spoke in third person since you weren’t a slave yet. But the new generation was opposite. I trained many, and several would find a Dom that would offer to mentor them. I strongly cautioned against it, even had several doms confuse the ones being mentored by telling that I was doing it wrong, that a Dom can teach you while they slept together. I was always a proper slave, I didn’t yell back, but oh I wanted to! I did take it to many higher ups, they said to let the wannabes go and do, it had become a huge problem. So I did as instructed.
Titles being thrown around so easily . subs/slaves telling off dominants. I had never seen such things. I was trained that vetting took months with a proper Dom who wanted your attention, no sex is what that meant. I was shocked to learn subs/slaves were having sex after the first meet in public. Granted I still kept to how I was trained, but I did adapt. i can honestly say I did what others did. I even slept with my Master way to fast. After our first time together I actually stopped speaking to Him for several days( for a few reasons), as He was the first Master I had done that with ,ever. I was ashamed of myself. I did exactly what I train against ( wait the proper amount of time). It was to hard to face Him once I felt I shamed myself in front of Him. He did contact days later, and wondered what happened to me, was I Ok? We started talking, and we haven’t stopped yet!
I still caution against mentors of the opposite sex. I still think no sex during vetting (3-4 months). A proper Dom won’t push to get His way, nor ask for naked pics of a body He does not own. This is old school. I am being transparent , so you know I practice what I preach, but there was something different about my Master, I still wish I would have waited, but it turned out fine. We have been together for a year and a half now!
If anything, I hope you learn How It Used To Be. The proper way of doing things in the lifestyle . There was such beauty in it. I can only hope that maybe the lifestyle will go back to how it was, but sadly I doubt that.