Yours 99.9999%

Yeah, that does sound ridiculous. Who would do that? Sometimes we do it, and we don’t even notice…

Recently, things have changed I’m getting ready for surgery, I’m a little nervous, obviously. My kids are more than a little nervous,to say the least. I’m all they’ve got in this big world. Moving on…

Daddy and I went to dinner the other night. He took us to one my favorite places, Boston Market! As He was talking I just looked at Him, watched Him, amazed by Him. He’s nervous about surgery to ,but His job is holding our family together. He has a plan if everything goes fine. I didn’t ask of His plan if it all goes wrong. As I’m watching Him while He talked. I felt so cared for. Even as I needed a new phone company, Daddy rushed in and saved the day. 

I felt guilty in that moment because I thought I gave Him all of me, 100%. But I hadn’t. I realized  then that I gave Him myself 99.9999%. But that .01% I kept just in case…

Today ,as i was getting pre-op stuff done, there was a question. Who is my emergency contact? Who? Who? I wanted to write Daddy’s name. So, as I sat there and thought about why I held back. What if He didn’t want to be my emergency contact. In that moment I went ahead and wrote His name! I’m tired of holding back, we’ve been together long enough. So, I smiled and wrote His info down! I took the step. It felt very good. Plus , a few weeks ago I put Daddy on the kids school papers. I realized I’m taking steps! That’s exciting to me. I did announce this to the girls behind the counter , “I wrote my boyfriend as my emergency contact!” I said excitedly. The one girl took my papers from me and both looked at me like I must be nuts. I’m not nuts, I took a huge step today! 

As I thought for a bit as to why I held back, even a small bit. There is a situation, its been present since we began seeing each other. Inside of me , I make this bigger than it is. I can hold back ,I could get hurt. I know it won’t last forever, but I’d like it to be done with, sooner rather than later. I didn’t mind to much earlier in our lives together. I was in no hurry, when I got scared I retreated. But present day I’m much stronger, cuz of Him of course. Now I’m ready for more. I don’t let anyone mess with my decisions, Daddy always trumps everyone, but He knows what I want! This situation won’t matter forever. I just smiled as I thought about this today.

As a few friends pointed out recently, that my life is falling apart little by little right now. I don’t see them hardly ever, so it didn’t bother me.As my life is taking twists and turns I’m keeping my eyes on Daddy. I trust Him. I need His guidance, I’m feeling lost. But others think they know me best, i call ,’bullshit’. They knew a few years back I had walked away from Daddy and went my own way, they wondered if I would do that now when things arent going great? Nope. I have no desire to try this on my own. I suck at it, Daddy has changed me for the better, I’m His all 100% of me! I do see the situation moving out of the way. Hopefully soon, it will be a distant memory. One we can look back at and smile, cuz we were stronger. A few ppl have asked me if Daddy cares that my life is falling apart? Yes, He does. But some ppl see things as black and white, there are grey areas in life and those need to be taken into consideration as well. I don’t need to be saved, I need to be loved. He does that just fine. He hasn’t left my side. 

Where well meaning ppl think He should be taking care of me completely, I don’t. I know I’m strange like that. I always hold to , things work out the way they are supposed to work out. I really don’t to be saved, but He’s right there to catch me if I fall.  I want to be under the same roof  when its the right time for us, not because my life fell apart. 

I did notice that as things maybe  very hard right now, He hasn’t left me on my own. He gave me some space. I still tell Him everything. I can’t do all things like I did, He’s understanding. Sex is nearly non existent, He’s been wonderful. I do plan on making it up to him!

So, I learned about myself today. Daddy is still teaching me to come out of my shell. I don’t have to trust the whole world, just Him. Its ok to take things one step at a time. I can’t imagine my life without Him. I just want Him by my side, in my bed( soon), kisses. I felt so good today, like I might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m gonna hold Daddy’s hand while He guides me through the tunnel. I learned that as I’m going through a rough time right now, He is still right here. Thank you Daddy

-Daddy’s babygirl

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