The big plan

I have surgery soon,tomorrow. We’ve all been waiting months for this to be over. No more old pain! It looks promising that all will go well. That’s what I need. As of the last few days I hug them all tighter, kiss them more.

I had this idea in my head that just in case it all go wrong, maybe I should write a good bye letter to each one. I sat there with pen in hand, nothing came to me. I then thought about making a video for them, I didn’t. I realized saying good bye was to hard. It would be leaving my life and everyone I love behind, and I’m just not ready for that.

How dare I leave my Master slaveless, my children motherless, my friends friendless. I have a life to live. There are people who need me, counting on me. But then theres me. I’m really not done. I want to see how my story ends. I still have so much to do!

As I thought about all the people who touch my life, Daddy is my first thought. How could my story be done when I just found the love of my life? The man who has brought me life, a good life. He got me to see things differently, feel differently. He reached deep in me and pulled the slave back out in me, put that front and center. He has been so loving and patient, while I learn that He won’t hurt me like the past has. We are planning a life together! I’m excited to belong to Him in every sense of the word.

My children. Oh the places my thoughts take me.I have 3 kids health issues, 2 have special needs. My kids have looked at me, said; ” no one would ever want to change places with you mom, your life is so hard, but you make it look easy”. I guess I do, my oldest tries to help me while I’m at work and he is so happy when my day is done and I get my life back. He lets me know he’s not sure how I get so much done for his siblings. He gets why is father didn’t ask for time in the divorce. 

I would miss my kids so much, it has been my most favorite thing in the world ,to be their mother. All the ups and downs, smiles and tears. Being a mom to three is more like being a referee then anything. I can call a penalty when I need! Kick them out of the game, I mean life til they are done being benched. Football just works here! I call the plays each day, they do the work. We all walk away in victory that we survived again. 

As I spent some time yesterday talking with this wonderful lady, I need her help and she offered to help me, she and her sister. One will get my kids to school, the other will get them home, or to my ex. I nearly cried. How did I get so lucky to find such wonderful women. I bust my butt each day to come up answers ,I don’t have any. I’m just so happy. Things have really come together. I don’t know how that happened. I’m trying to get back to work so fast, the lady yesterday had a similar surgery, she was off for 6 weeks.I let her know I don’t have 6 weeks. If I don’t heal quickly I lose everything. I will have no place to live. My kids and I will figure it out, we have before. Life could be hard for a bit. I’m prepared for this road. Our stuff in storage, living in a hotel, doing our lives. We’ve been there before. We always manage to make the best of it. This time on less money. This time will be different, as I have my Master. The thought of Him seeing me lose everything is not a good thought in my head. I’ve wondered if I needed to ask for some space to go what I need to go through. I feel shame in a way that I failed my family and they everything beause I didn’t save enough money. There is nothing extra. I’ve lost so much already. I’m still trying not to fall apart over that. I know He’s watching, but how much can one person go through. I don’t know that this slave could lose more right now and be able to hold my head up. Life won, it kicked my ass royally this time and I lost the fight in me, that’s the thought where I hang my head in shame. I can’t lose my kids too. I run that risk right now. I always do what I need to do to survive, but this time is different, He’s right there, always watching. I cannot stand up to Him, but the rest of the world I’ve got both middle fingers up! I will do what I need to survive. If I can survive a horrible childhood, and an abusive ex I can survive this too. 

My middle son asked me recently, ” are you scared?” I had to admit I am just a little, I’m only human. But I plan on living a very long time. Its just how do we get thru the healing part of this, I wish I was more prepared. I let him know I don’t expect anything from anyone,ever. I’ve always got some kind of plan. We looked at each other and smiled, my son hugged me for the longest time. He just needed to know he wasn’t going to have to go to his dad , not if I can help it! 

How do you plan for natural disasters within your life when you do this lifestyle? I have no idea. I actually have never been here before. How do I fall from grace and lick my wounds while being owned? Does He give me this time or stay right by my side? Do I ask to take a step back for a bit, never done that either? I’m either all in or I’m out. I may need to learn of the middle ground here. I might need to talk more, listen more, ask for guidance. I just don’t know. What will He require from me at this time? My mind is going a mile a minute right now. I didn’t think He may have His own ideas right now. He may have had to figure all these things out just as I have. I can’t focus right now, I don’t really want to talk about any of this, but writing it here might make that happen, He’s always paying attention, always listening to everything I say or don’t say, its really unnerving. 

I get I will learn from this too. I hope everything will go well. Right now I’m getting everything in order for it going either way. I didn’t want to leave them all hanging. I love them all so much, I love my life! Everyone in it! 

– His babygirl


3 thoughts on “The big plan

  1. You’ll get through this, TOGETHER! From all of your posts I’ve read, I can tell you have that someone who truly loves you for YOU! He’s there to support you and guide you, just as my Daddy is, I have a feeling he would step in and come to your aid in any way that you need, you just need to TRUST him! I know, I know, being the ever headstrong woman that has had to do so much for so long by herself, easier said than done, but I can tell, for you, HE’S DIFFERENT, and that is what matters! Well wishes, healing thoughts and prayers being sent your way for the upcoming surgery! Hope it all goes smoothly and you’re back on your feet in no time! 🙂

  2. nkdwhtguy says:

    good luck.(not that you’ll need it). 🙂

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