Today is about problems within your bdsm relationship and how we deal with them. My girlfriend’s each have a different area of their lives that is challenging right now. That’s reality. Even those crazy vanilla people have problems to. But within bdsm we are supposed to be more connected, deepen our communication, make the Dom, or sub more important so we can avoid problems.
Funny thing, no matter what, life hands you lemons. It’s what you do with them that counts. OK, so vetting is one thing, and in bdsm we definitely encourage it. Take the time to see if this is the person for you. Can you be in charge of this sub/slave? Can you submit to this Dom? These are great questions, but many only see the sex side, and forget that a real relationship is forming. Put sex aside, if you can’t ,at least in your mind so you can be real with yourself. Do you really belong with this person? My true thoughts here : is that you will need 3-6months to truly answer that question. No one can hide their true self forever, and don’t lie to yourself. Some of you knew it was wrong from the start(anyone can tell, you’re in denial).
I know in the wonderful world of bdsm, it’s damn hard to wait for “the one”. But I’m gonna say it! Yep, it’s so worth it! My Daddy is “the one”. A bit of advice, you CAN find ‘ the one’ , and still fuck it up. So take your time. If you’re planning long term, then taking your time just makes sense. I’ve trained subs/slaves for a long time. The hardest part was telling them everything I’m writing here, to have it fall on deaf ears. They would be collared in weeks, maybe a month. Yes, I have a problem with that. It’s the equivalent to an engagement ring, would you get engaged after weeks with someone, I’m hoping the answer is no. These same women come crying to me pretty fast, that it didn’t work out and I trained them wrong. Nope, I’m not responsible for your victim shit.
What went wrong so fast? Well, do you really know each other. Did you accept that person and all their baggage? If you want any relationship, you must realize we ALL have baggage. Unless your Dom/sub has been on a deserted island for many years , highly unlikely, then we all come with baggage. For the relationship to work, you must be comfortable enough to unpack that baggage, and both sort it all out. First, get past the honeymoon phase, usually 3-6 months. If you can get to that point and you still respect each other, the passion is alive and burning, you have a chance.
This is no ordinary relationship. If you have or are a Dom, you’re in charge of this crazy train. Hopefully you’ve weighed it all and feel you want the sub before you, her baggage too. As his/her Dom you will require him/her unpack and start moving on from the past. Set her up to be the best she can be. The Dom sets the tone , rules, structure, boundaries within this relationship. So it’s up to the Dom to present to you have He/She wants the relationship. Yeah subbies, you might get many choices, or any at all. If He is kind ,He will want to know your thoughts on how you feel. He still has final say. My own Daddy will ask for my real thoughts, so if I’m questioning anything, confused, or feel I’m not wanting something in my life well ,we talk. I usually ask for time to think, He has granted that each time, He knows I’m a thinker. He knows when I’m ready I will ask to talk soon. I always know He is listening to me. I also know His word is final say. If at any point I can no longer serve Him, I’m free to walk away, but He would rather I communicate first. Since I suck at communication I do try my best to respectfully say what I need to say, in hopes that He’s listening and can guide me if I’m not correct in how I see things,Which is my turn to listen. We aren’t perfect, but we’ve come a long way!
As the sub, remember you serve. Can you serve on your good days and bad days too. There is no difference to the Dom in your life. He will want to know why you’re not yourself, Dom/sub, we are all human, but you still serve Him. I can only think of a few times you’d be excused from serving, at least for a bit.
1. You died, jk. A family/friend died
2. You had a baby
3. You’re sick as a dog
4. There could be a few more, but nothing comes to mind.
Can a sub really deal with serving even when it feels the world is against you. Because that’s what you’re signing up for. I get to hear subs complain, “He treats me like I’m His indentured servant”. My first thought , ‘ I’m not surprised’, but you are,why? We made it clear what a submissive is/does. If you romanticized it, or thought it wasn’t really like that, who’s problem is that?
In the lifestyle, we have vanilla times/ moments. But we are still fully lifestyle. Even after my surgery, my Master wanted to know how I was doing, when would I be myself again. Was He being selfish,No,I am His. We are not vanilla, although while I healed we had some vanilla moments. His actions before/ after surgery showed me how much He loves me, His property. And I was focused on getting better quickly, I love to serve, it gives me purpose. I am happy when I can do for Him. He can count on me. Are we perfect, not by a long shot, but we are very good together, we balance each other very well. And after all this time together, that’s promising. We couldn’t fake it this long, OK a complete psycho could, but we are normal kinky ppl.
When I hear issues from friends, my first thought is, ‘ go talk to your dominant’. I do listen, but I will want you to do the work that our lifestyle requires. ‘ is this the real problem?’ , ‘ is there something underlying going on instead?’ ‘what is your struggle really about?’. I don’t like excuses, I like working on it. I like to think first, especially in my own life. I ask myself if this is why I’m really upset. Think it through.
I do like the concept of living together first before anything to permanent. Do you really belong together? Where do squeeze the toothpaste from? Do you talk or fight? Can you clean up after your dominant day after day? ( Even after a hard day at work). How will you balance Dom/work/kids? ( Or is calgon just gonna take you away each night). It’s hard to get upset with your dominant when you signed up for this life. You knew what you were getting into, now you’re trying to act like a victim. Nope. Can you imagine if you got married to quickly? You would have to stick it out, or go get divorced, but there were answers right before your eyes, you ignored them.
I guess you lied to yourself. You lied to your SO. You don’t have follow thru, or you watched 50 shades. Sorry subbies not every Dom is a millionaire, or gonna let you call the shots. You really will be serving Him, cleaning/dusting/vacuuming/ doing laundry/dishes/cooking/ entertaining/ raising kids , in His castle.
In our lifestyle it’s not up for debate, it’s not a democracy, it’s the Dom’s way or no way. Now hopefully you took your time and got the right Dom for you. Not a fake or phony. Someone looking for a victim, or He’s an abuser. This is your life, plan it well. Keep in mind, we all have our way of doing things, we all have problems. In the lifestyle we should be working on those problems, and any that come up in the relationship. How you communicate and work things out, should tell you a lot. Will you and your dominant last a long time? I hope you can honestly say yes.
Problems will show up from time to time. It’s how you and your dominant tackle them together that counts. Just keep in mind, no one is perfect. But two ppl who want the same things, grow together, listen, and find their balance in our lifestyle have a great chance at succeeding.
Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah ( Starts tonight!).
– His babygirl