Terrified of love

I have really given this a lot of thought. I am terrified, but why? For starters, I hate the thought that anything could happen to Him, and I could be alone. Things that go thru my mind: could He ever fall in love with His ex again, I’ve seen it many times that a person will go back , and not necessarily for love but for the kids. I have even had a few ask me to wait til there kids were 18 , nope. You do what you need to do, no hard feelings from me, but I won’t be waiting in the wings. 

I’m afraid He could be in another horrible accident, and well you know… That is a scary thought, He’s wrecked on his motorcycle before. I refuse to be like women I know; “if you love me/our family then you won’t ride”. Nope, that’s not me either. I don’t want Him to stop being Him, reason I fell in love with Him! Everyone has an expiration date, I can only hope we get 50 yrs together!

I worry about not being enough. What if someone hotter, skinnier gets His attention? Ok, I ‘was’ afraid of this, but something in me changed one day.i don’t want an actual open relationship, but I do like threesomes. I have some boundaries that no bitch should cross, but other than that I’m good. How did the other change? Well, I feel that if some girl can actually take His mind off me, what we have together, then it was never meant to be. Cheating is a choice. 

Let’s say, everything is perfect. He only wants me, dreams about me. Wants a life and a future together. Have some threesomes, but i am the woman at His side, loving Him, taking care of Him. He is my world. Maybe married someday, now how do I feel…scared. What if I’m not enough. What if I the biggest regret to Him. Has He really seen every side of me to make such a choice. What if at some point i can’t fulfill my duties as His slave/babygirl. What if I just need a break from the lifestyle? I do that from time to time. I put it in a pretty box, on a shelf, in my mind. I always come back to it. but what ifs are on my mind lately. He keeps saying little things,” when we live together…” I get it, it’s soon. I don’t ask what soon means, not because I’m not curious, or don’t care, not looking forward to this. I am! I want everything with Him. I just do more ‘what ifs’.

What if He hates how I decorate our home.

What if I can’t really cook, and my kids just lied and said it was good all these years cuz they were hungry.

What if I lose my looks as I age, will He still want me

What if His friends, family, or His club doesn’t like me

What if His kids don’t bond with me, like mine have with Him.

What if we fight and argue, I’m not big on that, so I know it would damage me

What if He wants to change me, will it be good for me, or will I resent Him

What if He ever cheats on me, it would kill me. I’ve been cheated on by former men in my life, it stung. But He would kill me, He’s my first real love of my life. He holds the key to my heart, the knife too. 

I deserve to be loved, past men and exes taught me that I was nothing, get used to being cheated on. There was nothing special or wonderful about me. I am nothing but a place to put a cock in where a guy wants. But my Daddy changed all that. He gave me value, worth, a crown. As I’m seated on the right of my King. I don’t always feel noble, I’m still a slut with no real worth in my head. But He makes it all wonderful since He doesn’t say or do things that change that. There really is no one else in this world who gets me, like He does. Has taken the time to talk to me, listen to me, as He does. He gives me the most beautiful gifts, I am not sure I’ve done anything to deserve them, but I love them. He’s the greatest man to me, in my heart. There is none other that could ever do what He’s done, He’s done the impossible, made me learn to love myself. I’m not conceited,but I can now look in the mirror and see some value. I feel love coming from Him, I feel it all around me. When I think of all He’s done for me, my kids, I feel so small in this life. I don’t think I can match what He’s done. I will always try, He deserves me to give my best. 

What if my best isn’t good enough, He’s still here. So maybe He sees my heart and can feel how much I love Him, care about Him, think about Him, miss Him, pray for Him. He really is my everything!

– His babygirl

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