Just a lil advice for any dominant

I’m not an expert on being a dominant, unless I’m in mom mode. Other than that it’s exhausting. I’m never sure why anyone would like it. But this world is full of dominants and submissives. 

My only piece of advice is let your submissive see you, the real you. Don’t be afraid that if we don’t see you as dominant 24/7 we would lose respect for you. We won’t. We need to see your flaws and all. We need to know you’re a real person with emotions, problems. I promise we don’t see you as weak, but that you trusted us, as we must trust you. It only serves to bring you much closer. My Daddy is like this with me. I respect Him so much for letting me be so close even when things are falling apart. 

He’s a human being, in a human world. I serve Him even better once He’s been so open with me. 

I dated dominants before Daddy, one thing Daddy has always done was just be real with me. I was shocked at first by this. I thought He was nuts, but then I saw a side to myself that I only reserved for friends, not one Dom in my life before Daddy got to see my very playful side. It just didn’t happen. Sometimes in this lifestyle I think we do get hung up on our roles that we fit in. We forget there are real people behind the titles. 

He might be my Master, but He could have had a bad day, anything could have happened to Him and as He lets me go thru things with Him I feel so close, more love for Him than I thought possible. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything, what I have with my Daddy is rare and I’m fortunate enough to know that. 

Daddy taught me there’s a time to be His slave, and a time to be His babygirl. And sometimes just a bit bratty, but don’t push it. Who am I kidding,  I push that brat thing a lot. But then He balances it back out. Bends me over whatever furniture is closest and spanks me. Oh yeah I feel it. He’s even let me know He wouldn’t be afraid to spank me in public either, somehow I believe Him. I’m just don’t dumb enough to find out. 

I can tell in most situations what’s expected of me.  Slave, babygirl, woman at His side, biker girlfriend. A few times I don’t know what He’s wanting so slave position it is. He will do this ‘hot as fuck’ growl thing, tell me how beautiful I am as I am honoring Him , I bow for no one but my Daddy, He will stand in front of me, put His hands out for mine , as He guides me up. He lets me know how touched He is that I will honor Him no matter what, but then He looks at me and smiles and says:

“Tonight I don’t want that, I just need to hold you”. It’s like He reads me so well even when His day has gone to crap. I’ve always wanted to know how He knows I just needed to be held for the night. 

Omg, He just needs to hold me! I have value, I’m loved beyond all measure. Where did this man come from. I’m always so thankful He wants me! Billions of women on this planet and this man wants me. Wow.

So to all dominants, let her see the real you. Let her into your heart. Let her dance thru your soul. You just might meet the woman, umm submissive of your dreams! 

( This can go either way,I only write in female submission, not leaving anyone out). 

I hope I don’t overstep my boundaries with any dominant who does read my blog, I mean no disrespect. But I do like feeling close to my Daddy/Master. For the first time ever in this lifestyle and in real life, I’m complete.

So damn hot!

Mix – Chris Lane – Fix: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sf6Ivae_88s&list=RDSf6Ivae_88s

My Daddy changed this song for me forever. Ok, we get playful with each other! I love that! But this day He comes thru the door after work, I have music on and my Daddy starts lip syncing and dancing! Oh fuck, I was wet in seconds. 

That was the hottest thing any man has ever done for me. If I had a stack of ones I would have been shoving them down His jeans.

In my head I can still see Him moving so hot and sexy! I start smiling to myself, feeling so lucky that He’s the man I get to be with forever. 

I do wonder when He’s gonna do it again??????? Oh god I hope soon! Maybe even make sure kids are gone and it could become a striptease! Fuck yeah!

Do you know what suffering really is…

I do. Since my completely horrible life with my ex from hell. 2 separations. I was the dumbest woman in the world to go back. Even after dating my daughter’s father, not long, just long enough to feel I needed validation as a woman ,get knocked up, and it was over.

Moral of my story: be careful who you keep in your life, be even more careful with whom you choose to have children with.

The law has never been on my side. Not when I was an abused wife. Not when my children saw and heard so much. County that I live doesn’t believe in domestic violence, it’s a Christian area. They only believe I wasn’t a good wife. Nevermind his cheating,blaming, all the abuse, none of it mattered. Not even broken ribs, not with his handprints on my throat. 

Once I finally grew the balls to leave, I ran! I wanted freedom. But I didn’t know there would be casualties. I would pay dearly for those. My son would turn 18 in only so many years, and then I would get guardianship, and I did. He’s special needs. But the one that broke my heart, was my daughter. 

See, my ex promised to give me my kid. But in the state where I live all his underhanded bullshit got him the right to stay in my daughter’s life. He’s not not her biological father, he’s a different man and in her life. But the law in AZ let this asshole have time with my daughter. He helped raise her. Since no Police Dept would ever make any statements about domestic violence, all I had in court was my word. The judge wouldn’t even listen to the children, as his lawyer said I’d messed with their minds and turned them against him. None of it true. The kids hated him for all the reasons I left for. 

I thought with divorce I’d be free. I wasn’t. I was legally tied to this man forever. My daughter will turn 18 and finally get to go do her life away from him. She’s seen me fight my ass off in court to get her. My war brought new prisoners of war. There will be no treaty for release. He refuses to let her go only to hurt me. 

Every week it kills me just a little at a time. I want to drink but I fear I won’t stop this time. What kind of life is that.

I try not to remind myself that it’s a man’s world, they all get what they want/desire. My ex wants me broken. I am, deep inside where my heart weeps for all that we’ve gone through. I’ve sat in the aftermath once the dust settled. I lost the war. I have my daughter,sort of. To have to hold her while she cries. 

After divorce I thought about going back, not for love, to keep her safe. I wasn’t sure I’d be alive long enough to protect her, I was right. My ex had put a hit on my life. Still no jail time. Still all the same suffering. It sure is a man’s god damned world. And you can all have it, I only want one thing , my daughter. 

Yesterday, I picked up my son . He’s  in his 20’s now.  Even Special needs I want him to go far in life. The man in my life has helped me push my son. I see a future for him.

Yesterday, I wanted to see my daughter,give her a kiss and hug before I left. I was denied that. She looked at me, I looked at her thru the glass of his truck, both of us with tears as he and his friend drove off with MY DAUGHTER. She put her head down, never answered any of my texts . I stopped sending them after midnight.

I want to yell, scream, hurt him as he’s been killing me but that only gives him purpose. I text her that I love her. I will continue to fight for her til my dying breath, or she turns 18, whichever comes first. 

I have not ever hated on a level like this in my life. I refuse to talk to god, if you love ppl so much then give me my daughter. It’s been 4 years, we have two to go. I hate him, I hate him with every breath I take , I hate his smug look as he drives off with her week after week. I hate the law. I hate courts. I hate lawyers. I hate , I hate ,I just hate…

If you know my pain, then you get it. If you are like my asshole ex holding a kid hostage just to make more pain, go fuck yourself. You deserve a slow painful death. I’d spit on you and your grave. You aren’t fit to call yourself a person. You are human waste.

Now my other side. I look in the mirror, put make up on , go to work. I have a nice life, great kids, a loving boyfriend. I love my friends. I cook, clean, do laundry. I look just like you. I shop, eat, swim, read, write. But no one knows my secret. 

I am a hater. I have no regrets hating you so much. I hate you much that if you were crawling across the hot desert dying of thirst, and I had the last glass of water, I’d pour it out in front of you. Not one drop for you. Why? Cuz you deserve that. 

I’ve asked myself will I ever get over this. No, it’s been to much damage you’ve caused you self centered prick. 

After an accident in 2012, it changed me. I can no longer hold anger or hate for very long. Within hours I’m happy again. I think I’m broken, my kids say it’s great cuz I was the angriest human alive. Mainly because I can’t get one day back. I went back, twice. I didn’t fight back hard enough. I’m a loser, do I have my daughter? No.  I even pay other ppl to take her to my ex cause I work and I don’t want to see my ex. But she has to. Try living with that everyday. Just to keep focused on my hate I have to write it down before my memory tears thru the hate and I’m happy again. I hate my brain. I want to stay angry.

When the man I love says I’m beautiful, I see a monster who hates. When he says I’m a great mom, I try to be, but explain that to my daughter who put all her trust in me and I failed and she nearly took her own life. When the man I love wants a life with me, I wonder why, I’m broken. Do I really have anything to give? My love. But is that enough. Will He one day just wake up and realize I was the wrong woman. Now I don’t get that time back either. Can I handle marriage? He’s brought it up. I don’t always see the pint of marriage, maybe one day I will see value in me, as He does. My friends and my kids say to let Him save me from myself. How do I do that? They are glad I’m still with Him after nearly 2yrs. But stuff in His personal life feels like it’s pushing me very hard. My friends and kids say to hang on tight, this is the guy for my forever. That He can put me back together, He will love me no matter what. That we belong together. I felt it already. But thanks for the pep talk. 

All I see is a shell of a person. I’m trying to survive my own apocalypse. I’m drained of life most days. I can’t handle the thought of, will someone try to hurt me again. You made me your safe place. That is so foreign to me. I can’t be, I’m toxic and full of hate. 

Now you know what suffering is.

I’m loving this song!

I attached a video. The band ‘DNCE’, their first single; ‘ cake by the ocean’. I love the energy in this song. It’s great. It’s a little dirty, and I like that too. To be perfectly honest, I would join in on a good food fight any day! But that’s just the babygirl in me.

Joe Jonas , in my opinion, was the most talented brother, musically. For the love of God please don’t let me have to see any of them act. Not so good…

But definitely musically, Joe Jonas has it going on! His range is still fantastic. He really adds his own energy to this group. Which I know none of them. All seem to be very musically inclined. I was impressed with song. I like the song ‘toothbrush’ as well. I’d like it more if it was faster like this one! Just my preference. 

I hope to hear more from them, I’m impressed so far.

It’s to late to run, He’s ours now!

This is me and my daughter, yes I hide my blonde! But if you’re around me long enough you pick up on it!

So, my daughter and I are folding laundry tonight, and we decide on a movie. She reminds me that we have double, and triple movie copies. We start laughing so hard.

She’s making jokes and then looks at me and says; “You know mom, when we live with my dad He’s gonna think we are nuts having several copies of the same movie. 

“Sweet girl, some work and some don’t”

” Why don’t we throw them out mom?”

” I don’t know sweetie, I guess it never occurred to us”

” How will we explain it to my dad? That we are nuts, we keep broken movies, what will he think?”

” Sweet girl, I think He’s knows we’re all nuts and need a leader here”

We start laughing again. She looks at me again and says;

” It’s to late for him to back out, he’s stuck with us!”

” I know sweet girl, he doesn’t seem to mind!” 

We are laughing again. Life is good! 

Oh the thinks I can think🌈

Dr. Suess was right. The things my mind comes up with! 

I wonder why the juice V8 is called that. What happened to V1 thru V7?

 How do you get almond milk? I just want to watch someone milk an almond.

I’ve heard of olive oil, sunflower oil. But how do you get baby oil?

I’ve heard of full metal jackets how earth could anyone wear those?

So, my son let me know the other day, I was an inspiration to a woman he knows that is wanting to get out of her marriage. She’s been abused for awhile. My son let her know all I’d been thru with his dad, and how I got free. 

She asked if I had cried when the divorce was final? Yes, but not because I loved him. Because I lost so much time of my life, I can’t get one day of it back. I was happy at that time cuz I felt like it was done, someone let me out of prison. I was lost and confused, but I knew I would learn how to do this life. I knew I would screw up, but that was part of learning. I wanted her to have hope, feel empowered to go on with her life. I wished I had done it when my kids were younger, but I can’t think like that. I wished I had left after the first time he humiliated me in front of others, but I can’t think like that. I wished I had left after the first time a fracture appeared on my body from him, but I can’t think like that. I wished I had left the first time I had to gravel at his feet, but I can’t think like that. I wished I had left before my children had heard or seen the violence. 

Life got better once the healing began. I know have the most wonderful man in my life, Daddy. I have to admit I was scared at first, always ready to run because I couldn’t handle being hurt, thought I might be lied to. What if Daddy hit me too, besides spankings! Would He humiliate me, make me gravel too. Would I lose my identity again. Would anyone ever care that I have no self esteem? I was very skiddish. 

Actually Daddy cared about all these things. He’s had His job cut out for Him. I’m a handful, not always my fault. Sometimes I just really need His support. Or Him to remind me that I am special to Him, loved, and He’s not going anywhere. He reminds me that we have plans for our life, and that we will have forever together. When I am at His feet, He treats me with such greatness. I feel like a princess. I love being in slave position in front of Him. I have not once, in almost 2years, felt humiliated. Even when I’m having a blonde moment! He still makes me feel loved. A simple text at times, shows me I’m important to Him. 

I’m looking forward to the rest of my life, how I got so lucky? I have no idea, but I’m glad it’s my turn to be happy. To be with the man I love. 

Counting on forever

I’ve been deep in thought for a week now, I’ve come to realize that I really want to be there for Him and all He’s going thru, but I truly need Him to know I can only process in chunks. I don’t get so stressed ,or ready to argue. It’s not the ideal situation, but I’m here. He’s a smart man, doesn’t make a move without thinking it thru. I trust things will take care of themselves. I can’t worry about it, not want to. I have better things to do. It’s one of those ‘ make it or break it’ times in ppls lives. Those times that just suck the life out of you, as you are in survival mode.

Time. All He wants. So, I’ll wait patiently for my love. I’ll do my best not to give more stress. It won’t help the situation. It won’t help us. I’m trying not to struggle, then I can’t breathe.

As I think of where we are headed, I realize that we both have exes, some maybe harder to get along with, but hopefully not impossible. I have tried my hardest to be understanding about one of His exes, but being pushed beyond what I want to handle doesn’t make me happy. I’m out of my comfort zone. Plus seeing Him hurt makes me want to fight. I do want Him to still be transparent, even though I’m trying to process at the speed of light. I appreciate that from Him. But as I think about the rest of our lives together, I need Him to show me how to get along with her, for his child’s sake. This person will continue to be in our lives, same with all the exes, but I want Him to know I can try to make the best of it, as long as He’s by my side, I think I can, I think I can… I know me, I’m doing my best. But then He has to put with my exes as well, and one of them is not so lovely either. Why must it be that way? Who knows, can’t we all just get along.

I can say I’m proud of us, for taking our time and really bonding. He’s my best friend, there’s nothing I can’t share with Him. He listens, He gives His perspective. I’m so glad that there were obstacles, it showed us that we are strong enough to get thru them all. This last one seems like He’s got a good handle on it. He’s reminded me it’s not forever. I can trust Him. 

I’ve gone thru the worst with Him. I’ve broken my own heart along with His, I walked away from Him over stupid things. Not once but twice, after that I promised I would never do it again, and I didn’t. I really want ‘us’. I always have. I have wanted to be His since we met, the first time, I was just so afraid of getting hurt. I’m much stronger now. 

Hoping for a happy life. One where we look out for each other. We are there thru good and bad. For me, bad is now, and He’s showing me how important this is to Him. I try to not be self centered, only think about what I’m going thru. His pain must hurt so badly, but He stuffs it. Gets to work, does what any man does, makes life happen. Strives for happiness.

I want to hold Him right now, let Him melt into me, become one with me. His pain is my pain, we share one heart, one soul. Emotions gets caught in your chest. As you push it back down with all the strength you can muster. We’ve all been there. I can tell He’s not Himself, Cuz He’s a million miles away. His happiness is in spurts. He’s trying so hard to be everything to everyone. But I worry a loss is coming, I hear His heart crying out. I want to save Him, He won’t allow it. He’s the Dom, the strong one. Yes, my love you are, but in this moment it’s OK to be in your safe place and not put on a facade of happiness. There is no judgement. Only unconditional love. 

I will care for you like no other has before. Drop your worries, and your pain in my lap, those emotions are not new here. I won’t be scared, I won’t runaway. I will be your strength if you must give in for the moment. Find your strength in me, take what you need, breathe in life, be renewed. Then go take on this world. I will be waiting to hear your report from the front lines, where the most traumatic things are happening. I can handle it, give me chunks. This is not all or nothing, I’m right here. I’m strong enough to withstand your storms. I’ve been thru my own. 

I may fall apart momentarily, but I always get back up. I’m just like you. We are a lot alike in many ways. To strong for our own good. You do it with such grace, while I choose to be a whirlwind. I see us building, a strong future, one that can’t crumble over small , insignificant things crashing into us. We will get thru this-together. My love for you is so vast, I just need you to know. Right now there is no right or wrong way to accomplish our goals.