I know He’s told me a million times, I needed them all.Hopefully He will know how He saved me from myself.
Right now I’m going thru a very tough time in my personal life. I was going thru something not much different when He found me in 2014. I was to afraid to let Him in at that time. I thought He’d run if He saw me fall apart. Once He came into my life the second time I gave Him my submission, I was hooked. I needed Him on so many levels, I refused to admit it to myself. I had been let down so many times before. I’ve been alone for most of life. How was I to really know that this time would change my life. Change me as a slave, as a person. I kept half expecting Him to be tired of me and just leave me behind. I’m used to that, I don’t like it, just used to it. I’ve wondered if I’d ever find that true love that helps me navigate thru life, encourage me, be excited when I’m winning, knows when it’s to much to keep going and stays by my side. I know I don’t have all the answers, but we are getting thru this together. My hard work is paying off. He has watched me, I can kick my own ass in gear, which I think He’s happy about. He knows I don’t stay down long. I know that no one is going to bail me out, just me. I must find the strength,even when I’m scared to death. I try to never let my fear show. I am being completely honest with Him about that fear. I waited to see if He’d tease me, tear me down. He never did. He added to my strength! Gave me more! He would ask how I’m doing. I was talking! That’s new for me, I do like to bottle my emotions/feelings,but not right now. I know finding myself at the bottom of a bottle is what can happen. I haven’t touched any, I don’t even feel thirsty. Once I talk to Him I’m balanced again.
I’m in thought this last week. He reads me so well. Almost as if He knows what I’m thinking. When life has kicked my ass, He lets me talk to say the words, the way He looks at me like He understands me. He makes me laugh it off. He makes me think. Somehow He knows I have the will to be stronger, to be more complete, to reach deep inside to be me the slave He can see in me. I think I really needed my life to fall apart to show me. Show what? The true measure of the man! I honestly needed to know how strong He is. I needed to see what a real man is like when He can’t have control over things that just happen in life. Surprisingly He still keeps going, which kept me going. He is EVERYTHING I’ve been waiting for!
I think of the ways He’s changed me. I didn’t even notice to be honest. But when something happened recently,beyond our control, I had a few friends with opinions that didn’t match mine. It was either listen to their bullshit or take a stand. So, I did what no one expected, I took a stand. I’m less two more friends. That part hurt,but how much can I take? If they don’t believe in me, how shall I believe in them. Plus I don’t remember getting deeply involved in their lives, like they do mine. The old adage of “treat others how you want to be treated” doesn’t seem to apply to some people in my life. Before you think I don’t have the balls to leave you behind, think again. I hate doing it, I’ve lost more ppl than I’ve kept. For me that’s hurtful, I try not to give up on others. Especially over something so petty, but I’ve asked you to give me a break, and you hand me more drama and try to takeover my life. I can’t let that happen.
So, I’ve had an excellent time. Of course I know my life is still not where I need it to be. But for once I’m not worried if Daddy and I can get thru everything life will throw at us. That means more to me than all the jobs,money, luxury in the world. When one of us is down, we are down together. One of us will have the strength to pick the other back up to keep going. When one of us succeeds, we succeed together! I’m so loving my life! I really have waited for this to be how my life goes. I know all things will work out, I’m not out of answers. I will find the job! And He is right there cheering me on! How many can say that? I never could before.
I do wonder if He’s feeling the same. Does He get that I’m there for Him as well. He can tell me anything, I won’t judge Him. I’m His safe place in this world. I’ll be there ,standing , when life has kicked His ass too. Pick Him up and not let anything hurt Him. I may not have His strength, but heaven help the person who tries to harm Him. Bitch mode: activated. It has recently. But I’m not afraid, I see us getting thru anything together.
It’s hard to believe that I get everything I’ve waited for ,for so long. It really is like a dream. I never knew it could really happen. I knew we seemed perfect together. But secretly I’ve been waiting for big things to sort of ‘test’ us. I truly wanted to see He and I pull together or pull apart. I needed to know. Is that wrong? It doesn’t feel wrong. I had no idea we would be tested. But I don’t feel sorry for myself. He does remind me that things always work out. And He’s right!
I can be patient for a bit longer, I hate not waking up to Him each morning. I long for Him to be the first person I see when my eyes open each new day. I miss Him like crazy, I miss His laugh, I miss the sound of His voice, I miss His touch. I’m glad I don’t get complacent, I never expect anything, so all He does surprises me, I feel thankful each day that He’s in my life. I think back to how much I loved Him in those first few months, it’s nothing like it is now. How did I get so lucky?!
Questions that can’t be answered. So I’ll just stay thankful and serve Him always. Live my happy life by His side. I can’t think of anything better! This slave will never be alone. That is music to my ears, makes me heart happy, my soul wants to dance.