Deep in thought

As I think back over the crap of the last week, I’m wondering what could have been different. I am deep in thought as I remember his phone call at 3am! He’s telling me how beautiful I am, how He’s thinking of me, He just needed to hear the sound of my voice. I felt on top of the world. A great Master will make your heart do flips! I didn’t know He needed anything in that moment, He never said. I would be willing to serve day or night. My love and my time belong to Him. I signed up for that. How many times have I left my home very late at night to give Him a blowjob and go home feeling I served Him to the best of my ability. That’s my job. Make your request known so I can serve. 

Since surgery, and while in pain before, He found ways for me to serve Him. I have a hard time feeling a deep connection to Him if I feel useless. Like I’m not needed, maybe rejected. If I’m not serving what good am I? I’m not doing my job, maybe He doesn’t need me anymore. This is a slaves worst nightmare. To not be of service. To not feel needed. Then where do I belong? Do you still value me, do you still love me? Does poly mean you don’t want sex with me? I’m not good at sex? I never understood what mentality goes along with poly, but this is how I truly think.

As we start down a new path, a poly path. Frankly, I’m scared to death. Poly can be the kiss of death to a relationship if not done right. It will be a one sided poly, I’ve had poly before, many times. It holds nothing for me, it’s just empty sex. I could care less, but my Master has a poly heart. I want Him to fill His needs, while I’m by His side. I do worry about being strong enough for this. I worry if a contract would be best? So we both can say what we need, what we expect, tweak it as we go along. I’m not ready to lose Him, I never will be. But I know the bad stuff about poly, as well as the good. 

As I brace myself for the worst, and hope for the best. My first big worry is , if this goes bad how do I live without Him? How do we communicate with each other and be completely transparent thru this? We must have great communication for this, and to be honest at times our communication sucks. I refuse to sugar coat that one. It’s true. We are both so busy, kids,work, friends, family, time together. Will our relationship get lost in this shuffle, and we take a big hit?

I worry will He fall in love with some girl, and will He want to talk to me someday and must tell me I don’t get His love anymore. I couldn’t bear the news let alone the pain just thinking about it. He is really going to protect what we have together, are we that important to Him? God I hope so. I’ve already resigned myself to living the rest of my life with Him. He’s broken me and built me back up. He’s change the course of mine and my childrens lives and I’m not ready for Him to just leave me, us. 

Does He even know I want to be a big part of His world and right now, how busy we are, it feels not so some days. I wonder that if He has a choice where He can spend time with me or some other will He just pick her. I wonder if I will get the attention I crave and need, or did this poly stuff just flip my world upside down and nothing will be the same again. I worry that He won’t want to sleep with me anymore, cuz maybe any other woman is prettier than me, sexier than me, can fuck Him better than me. 

Will we still make plans together, to go eat, movies, road trips, family time, holidays… Or did any anonymous woman He comes across just take my time with Him. How special will I be? What if she’s a slave or a babygirl, and He’s happier with her? All things that make my heart sink in my chest. Make me chew on my nails. Make me want to hide from the world. I have good reason to be afraid. I’ve been hurt before. I’ve been cheated on so many times. How will this be different? 

I need Him to really hear me right now. I am crying out into the wind. I want my Master to be happy, I want to be happy, is that possible? What if it goes right after we sort out details and find what will work for us. What if it goes horribly wrong. Will He stop poly and pick our relationship? Or will He just let me go ,be a shattered mess that can’t feel anymore since I would be so numb. 

I am asking Him to meet me in the middle here. Hear my plea, but do talk also. I need your words My sweet Master. I need to know you’ve thought about it all, you have a contingency plan ready to go. I am asking for a sign, since I’ve put my life before you. You are a huge part of my world. This includes my children too. I should be allowed a sign, that shows me you’re not going anywhere, I’m the slave,woman, babygirl you want forever. Remind me frequently until it’s an automatic thought in my head. Worry about me, worry about this going well so I don’t have to be afraid. Worry about the things I’m worried about so I know you hear me Sir, so I know you get it. 

I do need a sign. Make sure you still make plans with me. Things stay the same with us. We are close as ever. That the future is on your mind and it’s ours, not any other females. That you will keep your word and let me bond with ‘B’. I am so looking forward to a future with you and ‘R’ and ‘B’. I want to bond. It would be the greatest gift you could give me. It would show me I matter to you. It would help me to feel connected to you. It would help me with other obstacles that are in the way too. I need to know I’m valued more than any woman alive. 

I’m scared right now. How will this change things. How will it change us. I can’t stop thinking. I know we want threesomes too. I want to be at peace, but inside I’m at war, I’m out of my comfort zone. See, I don’t have a problem with the sex part. But I don’t want Him to bond, connect,laugh with,kiss, caress, help, be transparent with any other female except me. 

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2 thoughts on “Deep in thought

  1. Poly relationships could not be for me personally but in your fears and hopes you have described here I would question what the other girl would be getting from the relationship. Is it only sexual? Has she made it clear that’s what she is signing up for? From the poly blogs I have come across it seems like all parties usually want more than that. Perhaps not marriage but a connection/bond/time together/feeling of being wanted/desired/cherished/etc. It seems you are afraid of sharing him…the inner him, the part you love. I fear you are describing jumping into a situation with a high likelihood of you getting badly hurt… -belle

    • stacieinaz says:

      Thanks for the concern, I do appreciate it. But keep in mind when I’m going thru something I only report and write about my side, He reads everything, so it was more about speaking to Him! He read it and we talked about each thing I was worried about. So far it’s going great! Thanks again for reading my posts and sharing

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