Do you know what suffering really is…

I do. Since my completely horrible life with my ex from hell. 2 separations. I was the dumbest woman in the world to go back. Even after dating my daughter’s father, not long, just long enough to feel I needed validation as a woman ,get knocked up, and it was over.

Moral of my story: be careful who you keep in your life, be even more careful with whom you choose to have children with.

The law has never been on my side. Not when I was an abused wife. Not when my children saw and heard so much. County that I live doesn’t believe in domestic violence, it’s a Christian area. They only believe I wasn’t a good wife. Nevermind his cheating,blaming, all the abuse, none of it mattered. Not even broken ribs, not with his handprints on my throat. 

Once I finally grew the balls to leave, I ran! I wanted freedom. But I didn’t know there would be casualties. I would pay dearly for those. My son would turn 18 in only so many years, and then I would get guardianship, and I did. He’s special needs. But the one that broke my heart, was my daughter. 

See, my ex promised to give me my kid. But in the state where I live all his underhanded bullshit got him the right to stay in my daughter’s life. He’s not not her biological father, he’s a different man and in her life. But the law in AZ let this asshole have time with my daughter. He helped raise her. Since no Police Dept would ever make any statements about domestic violence, all I had in court was my word. The judge wouldn’t even listen to the children, as his lawyer said I’d messed with their minds and turned them against him. None of it true. The kids hated him for all the reasons I left for. 

I thought with divorce I’d be free. I wasn’t. I was legally tied to this man forever. My daughter will turn 18 and finally get to go do her life away from him. She’s seen me fight my ass off in court to get her. My war brought new prisoners of war. There will be no treaty for release. He refuses to let her go only to hurt me. 

Every week it kills me just a little at a time. I want to drink but I fear I won’t stop this time. What kind of life is that.

I try not to remind myself that it’s a man’s world, they all get what they want/desire. My ex wants me broken. I am, deep inside where my heart weeps for all that we’ve gone through. I’ve sat in the aftermath once the dust settled. I lost the war. I have my daughter,sort of. To have to hold her while she cries. 

After divorce I thought about going back, not for love, to keep her safe. I wasn’t sure I’d be alive long enough to protect her, I was right. My ex had put a hit on my life. Still no jail time. Still all the same suffering. It sure is a man’s god damned world. And you can all have it, I only want one thing , my daughter. 

Yesterday, I picked up my son . He’s  in his 20’s now.  Even Special needs I want him to go far in life. The man in my life has helped me push my son. I see a future for him.

Yesterday, I wanted to see my daughter,give her a kiss and hug before I left. I was denied that. She looked at me, I looked at her thru the glass of his truck, both of us with tears as he and his friend drove off with MY DAUGHTER. She put her head down, never answered any of my texts . I stopped sending them after midnight.

I want to yell, scream, hurt him as he’s been killing me but that only gives him purpose. I text her that I love her. I will continue to fight for her til my dying breath, or she turns 18, whichever comes first. 

I have not ever hated on a level like this in my life. I refuse to talk to god, if you love ppl so much then give me my daughter. It’s been 4 years, we have two to go. I hate him, I hate him with every breath I take , I hate his smug look as he drives off with her week after week. I hate the law. I hate courts. I hate lawyers. I hate , I hate ,I just hate…

If you know my pain, then you get it. If you are like my asshole ex holding a kid hostage just to make more pain, go fuck yourself. You deserve a slow painful death. I’d spit on you and your grave. You aren’t fit to call yourself a person. You are human waste.

Now my other side. I look in the mirror, put make up on , go to work. I have a nice life, great kids, a loving boyfriend. I love my friends. I cook, clean, do laundry. I look just like you. I shop, eat, swim, read, write. But no one knows my secret. 

I am a hater. I have no regrets hating you so much. I hate you much that if you were crawling across the hot desert dying of thirst, and I had the last glass of water, I’d pour it out in front of you. Not one drop for you. Why? Cuz you deserve that. 

I’ve asked myself will I ever get over this. No, it’s been to much damage you’ve caused you self centered prick. 

After an accident in 2012, it changed me. I can no longer hold anger or hate for very long. Within hours I’m happy again. I think I’m broken, my kids say it’s great cuz I was the angriest human alive. Mainly because I can’t get one day back. I went back, twice. I didn’t fight back hard enough. I’m a loser, do I have my daughter? No.  I even pay other ppl to take her to my ex cause I work and I don’t want to see my ex. But she has to. Try living with that everyday. Just to keep focused on my hate I have to write it down before my memory tears thru the hate and I’m happy again. I hate my brain. I want to stay angry.

When the man I love says I’m beautiful, I see a monster who hates. When he says I’m a great mom, I try to be, but explain that to my daughter who put all her trust in me and I failed and she nearly took her own life. When the man I love wants a life with me, I wonder why, I’m broken. Do I really have anything to give? My love. But is that enough. Will He one day just wake up and realize I was the wrong woman. Now I don’t get that time back either. Can I handle marriage? He’s brought it up. I don’t always see the pint of marriage, maybe one day I will see value in me, as He does. My friends and my kids say to let Him save me from myself. How do I do that? They are glad I’m still with Him after nearly 2yrs. But stuff in His personal life feels like it’s pushing me very hard. My friends and kids say to hang on tight, this is the guy for my forever. That He can put me back together, He will love me no matter what. That we belong together. I felt it already. But thanks for the pep talk. 

All I see is a shell of a person. I’m trying to survive my own apocalypse. I’m drained of life most days. I can’t handle the thought of, will someone try to hurt me again. You made me your safe place. That is so foreign to me. I can’t be, I’m toxic and full of hate. 

Now you know what suffering is.


One thought on “Do you know what suffering really is…

  1. Julianna says:

    I can’t even imagine that pain.

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