Today was a defining day for Daddy and me. He’s been letting me talk more, more like encouraging it. On my slave side, I don’t talk much. But today, I said more than enough. He did listen. Then He had some things to say to me. Later, when I got home from work, He had more to say. Part of me was scared to death, I know how powerful He is, yet He gave me this gift.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. Do I dare tell everyone what I think? I did talk to my boss, said what I needed to say. Fuck, that felt good! But talking to Daddy, really talking felt great too. I have never been allowed to talk, thru years of marriage to an asshole where I did get hurt. My ex taught me I was to be seen and not heard. Trying having years of that crammed down your throat. But let’s not totally blame the ex, their were enough Masters and Dom’s that felt the same way. So years of not talking, suddenly are pouring out of me.
I’m nervous on the other side wondering how far is to far with Daddy. I know Him well enough that He has already set my boundaries, I just have to learn where they are. My mind does worry about my bratty side, how much of that will come out of my mouth. I also wonder why He did this? He wants a slave, but not a quiet slave? This is all new to me! I hope I won’t make Him regret it.
So, Daddy and I are talking last night. Only He says I am not listening, I am listening. If I am writing it here, then I was listening! OK, that bratty thing might be happening right now. I got what He meant! I thought long and hard about each thing He said to me.
Here’s what I got:
When others tell me of there past, trust issues,abuse,etc… I start by saying I understand, but don’t put that onto to the next person. And realize it’s not happening now.
I’m guilty, I didn’t heed my own advice. I’ve been hurt and/or abused by enough ppl in my past. My Master has not been one of them. But last night I got to say, respectfully as I could, how I felt I had been neglected I guess, cuz I never thought He was trying to hurt me. I’m not sure if the word I chose actually is the word that works , but He understands what I’m saying. But damn, it felt good to say ,’ this was how that made me feel’. He wasn’t angry, didn’t seem like it. Maybe confused, cuz it was so long ago. I do build resentment and then feel perfectly justified in throwing men out of my life. I can’t do that to Him. He’s never hurt me. He’s always protected my heart. Things in His past, well He’s trying to change them asap. But how can I hold Him guilty for what others do? I can’t.
I did attach a song that just speaks of everything that has gone thru my head. It’s about insecurities. I have plenty of those. Years of hearing I not thin, not pretty, not worthy. But my Master has tried changing that crap for the last 2 years. I didn’t let it happen, why not? Am I not even alittle pretty. I might not be super model thin, I’m not, but I could get eat better ( working on it). Am I worthy? This needs to go more in depth… Worthy of what? Love? Being a slave? As a woman? No one ever defined this, I never asked.
But maybe it’s time to let it all go. I think so. My trust issues, my man issues. My Master has not done any of the things men from my past have done. But He does want to build something with me. A life. I’ve never done that before. Sounds nice! I’m sure He has an idea of it will look like. My first thought is actually I hope I fit in. But I need to work on changing those automatic thoughts. They need to be more positive. He will guide if I let Him. I want Him to. I know it doesn’t mean do it for me, cuz the work is usually in my lap when He’s changing something in me.
He doesn’t see me as fucked up. Completely wrong, unable to change. I don’t make big decisions, but perhaps with Him by my side I can! I have honestly never lived like this before. There will never be another Master like Him, ever. I want what He’s offering. A beautiful life, where the past will not matter, once He changes me completely and I stop resisting, it will be wonderful to see who I am then! I have heard of Masters like this before, never experienced this before, ever. But I’m not stupid enough to look real love in the eye and tell it to fuck off. I want what He has for us! I know something is here I’ve never had before. I don’t what it exactly it is, cuz I’ve never had it before. It makes me excited though. Excited for a long life with Him. Scared to, I can see it in His eyes the love He has for me, and the thought of ‘i might kill my slave’. Lol
Not sure that last part is a joke…