The little things became the big things. Like growing older. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how he could want me, think I’m beautiful as I age. It was a huge thought in my head. I kept thinking, ” I do love this man, but he deserves someone beautiful by His side. I’ll leave when wrinkles set in, I can’t defy age any longer”. I figured I’d give Him an out before He thought of replacing me. I’ll just do it for Him.
He had never said anything, this was my doing, a gift I felt He’d appreciate since He’s younger than me. He’s never complained. Never mentioned my age. It’s like it’s not a factor in His world. All He’s asked for is me to be physically fit, it’s better for my health. Can’t argue with that. He wants threesomes. And possibly take on another sub/slave ( I’ve never been ok with this one, it’s not something I can see me happy about). I guess it’s more about, I get jealous. Will she be younger, prettier, skinny, beautiful, gets more of His time than I do, does everything better than I do, makes Him happier, would she be the one who could replace me. Yeah, I’m pretty fucked up. I have never been with anyone in the past who hasn’t cheated on me. And all have let me know if I lost weight I’d be beautiful. The man in my life now, my Daddy, tells me I’m beautiful each day. I’m not able to believe it’s true, but it’s wonderful to read each morning!
I guess when we started, I’ve always done this one thing… Waited for Him to find the woman He should be with. Sort of like I’m a place holder til she arrives. In this life, I’ve never expected to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. But it’s a great thought in my head.i truly do want that, but I would sabotage that before it could begin. How do I know? Because I’ve pushed Him away plenty of times. He’s still standing right here. Which makes me happy, and makes me sad. Why do I feel so unworthy of love? Why am I not like everyone else, and need love too?
Oh I need love to. Believe me, I need it more than most. It’s always come with strings. I’ll love you but… Conditions, and more conditions. He’s not done that, He’s shown me unconditional love. For the first time ever I get to see what that looks like!
I test it. Daddy, will you still love me if I am not skinny, if I’m not pretty, if I’m just not in a loveable mood that day. The list is endless. But after the dust settles, He’s still right here, standing in front of me, arms wide open so I can melt into Him. You could never find another man like that( needle in the haystack theory). Which is no longer theory but more a conundrum, as in how or why are you still here Daddy? Why do you think of me for your future? I’ve never been good enough for any man, or their future. I’m just a place holder. I accepted this a long time ago.
How do you look someone in the eyes and tell them you just don’t understand, you don’t get it. Why are you still here? Have you run out of options? There are women turning 18 everyday, so you can beat the odds of ” being stuck” with me. I can’t give you children, but I cook and clean. I can’t be beautiful like some super model, but I have tons of love to give away to the right man if someone would just stick around and let me love you. I have a great capacity to love, to give, to care.
God I want to love you even more than I do now. I’ve never gotten to love more, it’s always been love quickly, they’ll be gone soon. I’ve waited for you to find her, and to start pulling away from me. This is all I know. Now I’m confused since you’re still here. Am I supposed to figure out this forever thing and how it works. I’ve spent so much time putting it off, who knew He meant it. Am I really supposed to plan on forever with you? Cuz I’m behind on that too. I never expected anything from you. Not a future, not living together, not maybe one day possibly marry you. I’d be here without those things. I’m not so arrogant as to think I even deserve those things. Because of that thought, I never long for those things. I tucked then into a box in my mind, marked ” things that you want, but won’t be getting”.
I never put all my hope into you. Not because you failed, but because I did. You’ve said the words, shown me by example. Yet in my mind, you’re still looking for the love of your life. Who could blame you. I’m nothing, so I’ve been told in the past.
Could it be??? That when you don’t belong to someone, you’re dating but you don’t have this feeling that you’re staying. Then you stay til you can’t do one more minute of that person, because you never belonged together? Ok, logical thought. Now here comes the man you are meant to be with. It’s always good.Love flows both ways. You miss each other when not together. You want more of that person in your life, you wonder if they do. You want forever, but you know that’s reaching farther than your faith.
I have a friend who’s a psychic. She doesn’t see us together. So, do I go with that? Can we change our future whenever we want? If the universe has kept us together this long, is it meant to be, like fate? I hope so.
I’m finally tired of waiting for you to leave. I’m tired of feeling like you’ll find better. I want to be in love and enjoy the ride! If that is not what you want, I deserve to know that if I’m not the future you see inside your head. I’m really a place holder. I’m fine with that, in real life that’s all I ever saw myself as. You make me feel I’m worth more. You really do. One thing I do know: your species has hurt me badly. To the point I haven’t appreciated all our time together. I had to go slow because men aren’t like you, not one. I just try to breathe. It’s the reason when you leave, I have tears in my eyes. No one has ever wanted to stick around and love me, but you have. It’s the reason I try to write down special moments, because I’ve never had them. It’s the reason I try to spoil you, no one has ever been worth that before. I do want to be in your life for a long time. Even if it looks like your house, my house, we get together when we can. People are used to things just being one way. Do I want to wake up to you each morning, sure. But it’s not a requirement. You can do your life, and I’ll do mine. We see each other as we can, it has worked so far.
What started all this thinking? I saw this older woman, hair down to her ass, beautiful silver grey strands. Very beautiful face, even as she had wrinkles. She was soft spoken, dressed like a bikers ole lady. Thin. She was gorgeous! And I love to look at women. I do compare myself. I was just standing there, looking at her. She looked up at me , saw me staring. She smiled. I started talking to her. I didn’t want to offend her age. So I just look at her and say, ” my god you’re beautiful”. We have a short conversation, short but meaningful. She’s in her late 60’s. She is a bikers ole lady. She had grown kids, now grand kids. Life didn’t get in the way, she enjoyed it every step of the way! I loved talking to her, she gave me perspective. Could I be a great girlfriend, could I be a great bikers ole lady, maybe one day a wife. I smiled at her, before meeting her I wasn’t sure. She showed me that I can’t stop growing old, but I’ve still got something about me that turns heads. I’ve got a great man (I knew that!), So enjoy the ride. If I’m not happy, then I’m free to choose a different path at anytime I want. Do what makes me happy. So I heeded the advice of this beautiful bikers ole lady. ( lucky man indeed). As we ended our conversation, she said she thought I was beautiful. I said ” I’m getting older, can’t be young and beautiful forever”. She said I’m beautiful cuz I look happy! I asked how did she know I was happy? She doesn’t know me. It was the way I smile, the way I carry myself. I didn’t make eye contact with other men, yet the man I love His cut was in my hands. I said He asked me to do Him a favor.
I will never forget what she said! She smiled, ” yeah, He asked for a favor in the one thing that gives His life purpose, from the female who makes His life complete. His cut is part of who He is. He knows you understand that. Plus you have treated that cut with great respect. Face it He doesn’t have to say anything, you belong to that man, you ARE His ole lady”. She made me smile. I’m not sure it’s true, but I do love Him, respect His world, not worry about being more involved as I’m at home, safe, doing all things behind the scenes that are equally important.
I’m happy, I’m loved, I’m His, I’m His girlfriend, I’m His partner in this life, I’m His friend, I’m His confidant. I’m whatever He needs me to be! I’m not going anywhere! This is where I belong.
All those little things, well they just became the big things