It is my oldest child’s birthday! It’s a good and a tough day for me. It was a great morning, woke to my Daddy in bed with me ( nothing better than that, fuck I miss waking up with someone in my bed, (KIDS ARE NOT ON THAT LIST, DON’T COUNT!). My clock rings, I have to get early again. Thought of leaving my nice,warm, comfy bed with my naked Daddy in it, well let’s just say I’m not a happy babygirl. Much to my surprise, as I was in the bathroom getting dressed and ready, Daddy was in the bedroom getting dressed and ready, my heart started to sink as I miss Him so much but I deserve to stay in bed with Him, I’m thinking now He’s leaving… I pull Him close to me, so I can smell Him ( girls you know exactly what I am talking about!) I want to feel His touch one more time before I must release Him again, steal more kisses!! He surprised me, ” I’m going with you!” . There was no way to explain how happy I was in that moment!
What were we talking about? Oh yeah it’s my son’s birthday. Lol
So, for me it’s a good day, and a bad day. My son is a twin. I lost one, kept one. I remember leaving the hospital that next morning, feeling very confused as a part of me was happy, but a part of me was broken forever. It seemed like a cruel thing for a young mother to go thru. Family around me asked why I was crying, I had never held my lost son, no real memories so get over it. My ex, was my husband at the time, was just as cold. I said we need to give him a name so he can have a place in our hearts, he said, what for?. So a day like today still has mixed feelings for me. It was a happy day watching my son turn 25! He’s a good kid, becoming a man ,due to my Master who has taken on the task of being a father even to my adult children, as their own father failed them. I must say I thought I really was showing them the way, I couldn’t be more wrong. I made them more confused, more emotional. All the things MEN aren’t allowed to be in our society. As I watch my Master with my boys breaking the walls I put up for them, with them. I wonder how I couldn’t do what He did for them? Men and women are so different. I would say make sure all boys have their father in their lives to show them the way, only my boys dad is the reason my boys are acting like boys , and not men. How could my ex teach our boys something he couldn’t even do, be a man. He still acts like a child himself. My Master has even been the example that my boys follow for many things! I had no idea. But it’s been fascinating to hear about. My oldest son has a child, he’s been learning to be nicer to his ex but not a victim any more. He’s established boundaries, sticks to his guns, won’t let her control him, or keep his son from him. I asked about these changes what brought this on. My son looked at me ,smiled and said, ” my stepdad”. I even found out that ppl at his work know all about his ‘ stepdad’! My son has never bragged about his own dad, asked for advice, he has asked for help from his own dad only to be told no. But my Master guides him, shows him the way, then expects my son to go do it. And surprisingly he does! Wow!!
We were talking about… Oh yeah birthday! I’m proud of my son! I watched him work on a vehicle practically all by himself, asking my Master questions when he needed guidance. My son came thru the door so proud of himself. He has even made some life decisions, and honestly he didn’t ask me for my opinion at all. That is so great! My son is becoming the man he needs to be. My Master said use this time alone to work on yourself. And much to my surprise my son extended an invitation to an enemy that he wants to be his friend. I was in shock and awe.
For my son’s birthday we took him out to dinner, just me and the men in my life, our girls were gone. My son was so happy, when I asked him if he was doing anything with his dad for his birthday, he smiled and said, ” I just did! I had dinner with him”. I nearly cried right there, and writing that made my eyes well up with tears again. Everyone has been affected by this man I love. Once we got home from dinner, my middle son canceled plans with his dad, I asked why, but he didn’t answer til this afternoon, it was about my Master again! Wow! Even my daughter, calls him her dad. Everyone of her friends knows who her dad is. She even told me recently that she waited and waited for him to toss her aside as her dad has, she said he hadn’t. She’s learning to trust that there are good men in the world now. She says I have lunch with my dad almost everyday, I didn’t know I needed that, but I do. He talks to me, he listens to me. He will give fatherly advice and I know it’s cuz he loves me.
The other day she watched her ‘ little sister’. She was so happy and excited. She came up to me hugged me said you can never ever leave my dad, I let her know I’m not planning that. She said well don’t, ever. She looked at me with tears, “I finally have a family mama, I belong to someone besides just you”. Tears flowed, no way around that one. My daughter has always looked for a connection to someone besides just me. Even been suicidal at times because if I died she was going with me. She let me know she’s staying to see her life unfold, I’m so thankful! She has another year and a half before she’s free. But she’s getting stronger. She even shouted at her ‘Dad’ to be careful on his motorcycle, he said he’d try, she thought that wasn’t good enough, he has to be safe if only for her. She doesn’t want to lose her Dad.
This is probably the happiest I’ve ever seen these ppl in my life. I worked hard making sure they have a home, food, spend time with them. But even the libra on me knows that we were all still out of balance. We needed Him! Maybe more than He needs us. As I examine my life, it finally feels balanced. Like I have everything I ever wanted, needed. I won’t take that for granted,ever.
Happy birthday to my first born. I love you so much. Daddy, thank you! The list of why I’m thanking you is to long to tell unless you’ve got hours. Just know there are five ppl who love you so much, beyond words.
My birthday boy!!!
Top photos are of me and my younger son