I had to try to figure out what love feels like, what it really is. I have it for my kids, some for my family even though they aren’t a part of my life any longer. But for the first time in my life, a man! I cared about people in the past , but never had this feeling about any of them , that no matter what ,I want you in my life.
Recently, I had been more unhappy , but only with myself, my actions. I had made my mind up that I felt i might need to leave our relationship, all because things got tough over a situation from His past. It’s not really what I wanted. I should have just gone to Him to talk it out. Plus I forget, that as much as I hate drama, now I was causing some. I was so unhappy with myself.
I had let Him know that if the situation didn’t go my way, I would need to go on my way. That’s not what I wanted to do either. The people around me kept telling me I was doing the wrong thing. I think I knew they were right, but refused to acknowledge it. Then I was making Him miserable over things He had no control of. I didn’t look at things from His point of view. How does a dominant deal with a situation they have no control over, I don’t know, I never asked. I was so focused on my own point of view, my own feelings, my anger.
I had to think hard about how to get happy again. All I could think of was ,apologize to Him, and accept I had no control over the situation but only myself. I truly have a slave heart, I hardly ever put myself on ‘ The List’. But how do I survive something that feels like it’s killing me? I don’t know, so I thought, ” if the situation won’t change, I felt I had the right to think about leaving our relationship”. That became my only thought. I knew it would hurt Him, I knew it would kill me. But I didn’t see any other choices, nor did I talk to Him. I was so wrong. There are two people in this relationship, He deals with my crap. But He also has to trust that He’s as important to me, as I am to Him. How is He to do that when I’ve let Him know I wanted out if this situation gets to be to much for me.
I needed time to reflect, and I did that recently. If I wasn’t leaving over some stupid crap then how could I deal with it? At first, i felt sad that I could hurt the people I love so much. My kids have come to love and respect Him. I’ve bonded with His daughter, and how could I be without Him?? Was this situation so bad that it was worth so much damage. Could I ever apologize to all these people in my life over something that felt was so damn important?I knew I had to apologize to Him. I finally got the strength to say the words. Did I expect Him to be happy with me? Not really. I’m reminding Him that I almost hurt Him over my irritation.
After lots of reflection of our situation, I finally found answers I was looking for, they were in me the whole time, who knew…I couldn’t leave, I’m a strong woman, and it’s not like my own life is without drama. Plus it’s not drama He caused. It’s that He’s stuck, but He has said He’s working on it, I trust that He is. but this situation is not fun to be stuck in. He keeps saying we have a future, like the sound of that, it’s great, but it won’t happen if I can’t deal with this situation.
The time I’ve spent on my own over the past few weeks, just wondering how to make things right with Him. I decided I should let Him know I was truly sorry for any unkind words, for letting this situation drive me up a wall, for even saying I might need to leave , that’s not what I want at all.
I processed the situation all by myself. I thought about what parts hurt me, made me angry, and was honest with myself about “what was my real problem”, this was not easy, but for the first time I released all my anger. I saw His side, if I thought I had it bad , He had to deal with situation everyday, no matter what. I admired Him for that. He has such patience, doesn’t let this situation get to Him so much. I knew I had to let Him know that I love Him, and how could I mean that if I thought it was ok to leave and hurt Him. I couldn’t. I had to make sure He knows I can’t go. This situation after processing wasn’t difficult as I had made it out to be. I came to the point of no matter what, this situation will be around for a long time, if I couldn’t deal with it now, how would I get stronger later. I needed to be strong now. It was my decision.
I’m sure this subject wasn’t fun for Him. But I really am sorry for what I said. How I got to caught up in my anger to see the other persons side.
As we spent our anniversary together last night, it was a beautiful night together. Wish we could do that more often. As I looked at the man in front of me I realized I want more with Him, for real. Running away when things get complicated is not what I want. When I thought about our situation I am much calmer than I have ever been. I accepted that nothing is ever perfect. I feel really good now. I processed my anger.Even others have noticed! Saying you seem better about all this. I love that ppl notice. I am owning the bad stuff too, I hurt Him. I don’t like that, the past few weeks have been good for me. I’m seeing things differently. I’m seeing His side of things. I’m trying to be understanding that He can’t control the world, He only controls me. He’s a very patient man. He’s a good man. He loves me! I hope He knows how important He is to me, that it was super important to me that I accept His life ( good and bad), as He has accepted mine.
Now you know what love feels like, it’s doing the right thing no matter how hard, like apologizing to Daddy.
I love you Daddy, I hope you know that