This will be our first major holiday without our lil cookie. The house is looking festive, tree up, stockings hung with care, yummy goodness baking in the kitchen, but you get that something is missing.
We have had (almost) six months to grieve the loss of our lil one. Some of us are doing better than others, but getting the kids through this became priority one.
Visiting Santa recently, was supposed to be fun, but she was missing. So I quickly made an excuse to get away from happy people.
We went through her room, packed most of her things. We kept certain things out so as we walk past her room we see the happy stuff we loved. We are smiling a little. We are releasing balloons on Christmas so we can give her something to. We found all these toys, outfits, just fun things she would have loved, but the only thing we bought was a bear in her memory.
The pain hasn’t quite subsided, but you finally learn how to hide it, and get through the day.
As far as our lifestyle, well it’s been on hold. He’s still the head of our home, and due that respect, but we are just like everyone else right now. Don’t get me wrong, somedays the slave in me wants to kneel. I cannot ask for pain anymore as I think it would kill me, as pain used to get my head clear and help me not struggle. But the pain that’s in me now is awful, it’s like I’m bleeding inside and no one can see it or feel it. Months later I’m still asking myself, ” how did this happen, how did we get here?”
In a few words, I guess I’m lost. I’m trying to be a good mom to our other children, a good woman to my man, and good slave to my Master. As we are going through such a tough time I find myself angry, most with my Master. Everything feels like it’s in my lap , at the moment. He wants to know how I’m doing (same as every other day, next question), I used to trust blindy, as we slaves are supposed to do. But in the face of tragedy I am filled with questions. I serve, but not with my whole heart at this moment. I have even yelled at him, much to his chagrin, but it just came out. It was more about Him causing me more pain, He didn’t know.
I needed Him to stop pushing me so hard, that wasn’t helping. Stop asking me to do more than I can. I even lost a really good job since I wasn’t holding it together as well as I hoped. Now I’ve tried a few jobs only to quit after a few weeks. What is my direction, what am I supposed to be doing… Yet, I don’t want Him to answer these questions, apparently I want to struggle. I absolutely have no idea what I want right now. I just know I don’t want to be pushed to hard, I feel as I could break, or leave.
I’m working on as many things as I can in my head, but pain from Him would kill me, plus my trust has been shaken. He needs to do much work before I can be where I was before, and if He cannot understand this then I may have lost Him.
Reality has been a butter sweet pill that I don’t enjoy. I ask myself that after all that has happened, is this truly where I belong. Only one person can answer that question, me. I am searching for the answer, more than anyone knows. It used to be so clear, now it’s not. Can it all be fixed? Hope is all I have. Will He feel my heart and show me that I still belong here. Will He make a life for us that is even more wonderful than we can both imagine.
Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. Thank you for being so kind. My Master, and I and our children hope you have the happiest holidays this season.